The secret diary of . . . former Green MP Golriz Ghahraman
Question, posed the other day by a reader as I prepared to set sail on another year of the Secret Diary, which has mocked the good and the great since 2009: “Are you going to write about Golriz Ghahraman?”
I frowned. That was a bad start. Worse, the first thing I thought was that there is nothing funny about someone’s struggles with mental health. And there is definitely never anything funny about facing criminal charges and having to appear in court.
These matters are very serious. As well, all health issues are private. All of which serves as a barrier to even thinking of writing a satirical secret diary about recent events in the life of former Green MP Golriz Ghahraman.
But — I mean — you know — there is something kind of actually really strange about a politician up on shoplifting charges, isn’t there? It’s such a bizarre thing to happen. The 53-second CCTV clip of her doing something or other with a handbag at Scotties is required viewing for anyone wanting to see a public figure in an unguarded moment.
Ghahraman herself has a very keen sense of humour and there must have been one or two moments this past week when she issued some forlorn hoot of laughter at the black comedy of her predicament. I hope so, anyway.
If it had happened in the United States, it would have provided material for comedy monologues from sea to shining sea. Anything goes in the US — Donald Trump is slouching back towards the White House — but New Zealand operates under a veneer of sensitivity. It’s a good veneer. It’s protective, it’s caring. “We should all wish her health, happiness, & future opportunities to apply her talents,” tweeted Labour’s Michael Wood, in response to Ghahraman’s resignation.
He received 163 replies. They were not generally very supportive. Sample reply: “She’s not dead mate, she just resigned from Parliament due to [redacted].”
The mood of the nation is over the veneer of sensitivity, sick of tolerance and special pleading. The liberal conscience of New Zealand became such a terrible drag. It surely contributed to voters wanting a change of government.
Another comment on the X machine about Ghahraman’s resignation read, “She spent most of her tenure telling us how s*** we are and sifting through clothing stores. Can’t say I want to pay $170k pa for that.”
All of which rather serves to allow the possibility of thinking of writing a satirical secret diary about recent events in the life of former Green MP Golriz Ghahraman . . . And yet, and yet. I suppose it would be a satire too far given that the Green co-leaders described her this week as being in a state of “extreme distress”. Nothing funny about extreme distress. I guess?
Equally, then, I suppose I ought not write a secret diary about another former MP who made the news this summer — Maggie
Barry. Possibly the claims of her bad behaviour on a flight from Queenstown were a bit of a beat-up. Possibly she gave an entirely accurate version of events when she issued a statement saying it was a fuss over nothing. But it was such a lengthy statement to explain it away as a fuss over nothing!
“The confusion was around my mobile phone, which I was wearing on a long strap around my neck and which was mistaken for a small bag that should be stored for the flight,” she blathered, on and on for 498 words. I look forward to the Civil
Golriz Ghahraman was not the only former MP to make the news this summer; Maggie Barry beat her to it.
Aviation Authority report and, with luck, another lengthy and imperious statement from the former National MP.
I can prevaricate for hours about the most mundane and simple matters. It’s no stretch to tie myself up in knots over the ethics of making light of some public figure’s misfortune. But satire is on safe ground with public figures who are merely ridiculous as they go about their daily business, and 2024 offers much in the manner and blather of Christopher Luxon.
His first full year as Prime Minister is bound to . . . deliver, as he likes to put it. Recent quote: “We’re looking ahead to deliver a set of deliverables that will help our vision of New Zealand take root and come to pass.”
I’m looking forward to such Luxonian deliverables in 2024. He will be fun. Peters will be kind of fun. Hipkins, as ever, will be fun to depict as he clings on for dear life to the pathetic raft of Labour’s shipwreck.
As for the Greens — for years, they have operated as a no-fun zone, as diligent worthies with a liberal conscience who would never knowingly do anything wrong.
Recent events remind us they are, of course, as flawed as all of us. I should have written a secret diary about Golriz Ghahraman while she was still in the corridors of power.