The secret diary of . . . supermarket vermin
CHRISTOPHER LUXON
We’re looking ahead to deliver a set of deliverables on the issue of vermin found in supermarkets in Christchurch, Dunedin and Auckland, and I think that when you study it from all the different angles and apply the principle that the National-led Government has a vision of New Zealand that will take root and come to pass, then at the end of the day one of the things that ought to be taken into consideration is the idea of aeration.
A little bit of aeration never hurt anybody. But it might hurt vermin. A blast of fresh air in an aeration bootcamp could sort everything out.
And that’s why I have formed a working group. We’ll just have to wait to see what they say about the matter. In the meantime, don’t expect me to do anything about it.
WINSTON PETERS
Don’t expect me to do anything about it. Get out of my way. You’re in my way. Move. Move now. I don’t have all day. I wasn’t born yesterday. Tomorrow is another day. I want a cigarette. I have been lobbied by experts from the tobacco industry and they all say the same thing, which is that a cigarette never hurt anybody.
Vermin found in supermarkets in Christchurch, Dunedin and Auckland are another matter entirely, don’t confuse it with the righteous longing for a cigarette, if everyone would just get their facts right then we might get somewhere. I need to get somewhere. I need to lie down. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. Get out of my way.
JAMES SHAW
Are we seeing vermin in supermarkets in Christchurch, Dunedin and Auckland because of climate change? I think we all know the answer to that one. And it’s only going to get worse, much worse. Here’s the scenario.
Imagine a loud knock at the door in the dead of night. You open it, and there’s a massive rat standing there with a suitcase in its hand, and its extended family standing behind it on the doorstep. The rat says, “We don’t like this any more than you do, believe me, but global warming is forcing us inside. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. Your call.”
No, not good, but that’s the reality of the situation. Anyway, I’m out of here, so don’t expect me to do anything about it.
CHRIS HIPKINS
Don’t even ask.
DAVID SEYMOUR
I will do something about vermin in supermarkets in Christchurch, Dunedin and Auckland. I will play them a tune on my pipe.
Watch as they follow me along the street. They are intoxicated by the sweet, seductive music. It’s a little number called Don’t let M¯aori take what isn’t theirs.
They love my song. They can dance to it. It makes them feel good. It liberates them, and soothes their fears. See how they dance down this lovely shining path. Can you smell the sea air? We’re getting closer. We’re approaching the cliff. I wonder what happens next.