The secret diary of . . . Chris, Chris and Chris

One or two malcontents are concerned that I am rushing through legislation and skipping public input at select committees so we can achieve our goal of passing reforms in our first 100 days. But I make no apologies for wiping up the stain of democracy in a paper towel and flushing it down the toilet. The role of government is to act as a bleach.

The public sent me a message when it voted in the Nationalled Government. I have a copy of that message. Okay? It’s on a little scrap of paper, and if you hold it at a certain angle to the light, it reads, “Don’t bother with due process, mate. It’s a crock. Just do what you have to do to get things done. It’s all good. PS of course you’re entitled to a $52,000 accommodation allowance.”

No, you can’t have a copy of that message. I make no apologies for that. The point I want to make is that we’re moving very quickly. My goal is that we pass through legislation at the speed of light, which is 299,792.458km per second. Now that might be a bit of a challenge for the public service but if they can’t meet targets then they’ll be out of a job. They’ll lose their income. They’ll have to sell their house. They’ll have to live on the streets. They’ll have to beg for a living.

I feel sorry for their children.

CHRIS HIPKINS

Winning an election does not entitle you to act like a dictatorship.

To act like a dictatorship, you need to lose an election. One of the first things I did after leading Labour to a catastrophic loss is that I gathered the few MPs left standing, and said to them, “You have no fight left in you. You are without hope. You are weak, in a bad way, finished. The last thing you want to do right now is mount any kind of leadership challenge. Just go about your business. Walk in circles. Hide in dark corners. The important thing to remember is that I am the leader of the Labour Party.

I will always be the leader of the Labour Party.

You are feeling sleepy. Close your eyes. I am the leader of the Labour Party. I will always be the leader of the Labour Party. Sleep now. Sleep.”

It’s worked really well.

CHRIS BISHOP

I have been asked by Jack Tame whether National is observing democracy in its haste to pass reforms.

It’s my understanding that

Jack works as something called “a journalist”.

But I’m not sure if there’s a place for that sort of activity any more.

I also gather that Jack is employed by a media company which goes by the name of “TVNZ news and current affairs”. But I’m not sure if there’s a place for that sort of activity any more, either. And so when he asked his question, I stared at him as though he wasn’t there. After a while, I simply couldn’t see him or hear him. He had become invisible. I had a vague sensation of being watched by a pair of eyebrows that went up and down, but otherwise I just sat there and relaxed, and passed the time by dialling through a few more reforms. I reflected that the last thing democracy needs to function is journalism.

The first thing it needs are lobby groups that demand urgent reforms. I make no apologies for that, because who is there to apologise to?