The secret diary of . . . Nicola ‘Pugwash’ Willis
MONDAY
Rear Admiral Commander Nicola “Pugwash” Willis stepped on board the ageing Interislander ferry Kaitaki at dawn and waited for her 24-gun salute to announce the arrival of so eminent a captain of industry, government, and the high seas.
It was a long wait.
At midday, Pugwash approached an ensign, and asked what was going on.
“We don’t actually have 24 guns,” he said.
“How many guns do we actually have?” Pugwash asked.
“Approximately zero guns,” he replied. “But if you want 24 guns, KiwiRail has a $551 million fixed-price contract to build a fleet of megaferries.”
“I have terminated that contract,”
Pugwash said, sternly. “Let’s get New Zealand moving, but not at that price.”
She waited for the Kaitaki to begin its journey across the strait. It was a long wait to cross the strait. The anchor had seized fast in the seabed.
TUESDAY
Rear Admiral Commander Nicola “Pugwash” Willis faced the approaching gale at dawn as she stood on board the bridge of the Kaitaki and waited for staff to work on freeing the anchor so the ship could get moving.
It was a long wait.
At midday, Pugwash approached an ensign, and asked what was going on.
“There is a staff shortage on account you got rid of a lot of jobs,” he said.
“How many staff do we actually have?” Pugwash asked.
“You’re looking at them,” he replied. Pugwash sacked the ensign on the spot for insubordination and telling the truth.
By early evening the gale struck the ship with full force.
WEDNESDAY
Rear Admiral Commander Nicola “Pugwash” Willis woke from her slumber in the captain’s quarters with the sensation that the Kaitaki was actually moving. Her analysis of the situation proved that the gale had freed the anchor from the seabed, and set the ship on its journey out of Wellington Harbour.
To celebrate, Pugwash hooted the ship’s hooter. It carried across the water and reached land as a thin, lonely wail.
THURSDAY
Rear Admiral Commander Nicola “Pugwash” Willis was busy all day long. She raised the flag, and announced, “Sunrise, ma’am!” After breakfast, she maintained a continuous dead reckoning plot. In the afternoon, she determined compass error by azimuth observation of the sun. She lowered the flag, and announced, “Sunset, ma’am!”
When she went to bed, Pugwash made a mental note that the Kaitaki hadn’t actually moved very far out of Wellington Harbour.
FRIDAY
Rear Admiral Commander Nicola “Pugwash” Willis woke from her slumber in the captain’s quarters with the sensation that the Kaitaki was tearing apart.
Her analysis of the situation proved that the ship had struck Barrett Reef.
“All hands on deck!” she announced. But there were no hands.
The ship tore in half. Pugwash scampered across the bridge to send a distress signal. But the door was locked, and she remembered that she had closed down the Distress Signal Office.
The ship began to sink. Pugwash hooted the ship’s hooter. But it had filled with water, and only emitted a thin, lonely wail. The last noise it made before the ship went down was a pathetic squeak.