Shap­ing Aotearoa’s own va­ri­ety of Basil Fawlty and Vic­tor Mel­drew

Whanganui Chronicle - - Opinion - Terry Sarten the course. This will be a ver­bal test of stu­dent’s abil­ity to rant in­co­her­ently and cuss iras­ci­bly on talk­back ra­dio, plus a se­ries of mul­ti­ple-choice ques­tions such as: Which of the fol­low­ing is an ap­pro­pri­ate re­sponse to a news story abou

Cur­mud­geon­ing skills can be learned on­line — just fol­low any ma­jor news story about any new-fan­gled de­vice/ idea and it will pro­vide the right level of in­tol­er­ance and grumpi­ness.

But to re­ally ex­cel and build your cur­mud­geon pro­file, you need to at­tend a course.

Cur­mud­geon 101 is an en­try level course of study that will get you started with the ba­sics, fo­cus­ing on bloody-minded sheer grumpi­ness as a first step to­wards the more ad­vanced flu­ent cur­mud­geon.

This re­quires the aban­don­ment of any form of so­phis­ti­cated think­ing and com­plete deaf­ness to any­one else’s ideas.

There is no age re­stric­tion but the course is very pop­u­lar with

"To build your cur­mud­geon pro­file, you need to at­tend a course."

males aged over 60 (an 18-year-old signed up by mis­take think­ing cur­mud­geon was a for­eign lan­guage).

The only course re­quire­ment is an abil­ity to be at odds with the world about nearly ev­ery­thing and to say so loudly with a com­pletely in­de­struc­tible sense of en­ti­tle­ment.

The Cur­mud­geon 101 course is di­vided into mod­ules.

The first mod­ule pro­vides prac­ti­cal lessons in mut­ter­ing and mum­bling darkly about some­thing in the news that is an­noy­ing. This sec­tion comes with a set of tapes con­tain­ing a se­ries of po­ten­tial ir­ri­tated re­sponses to events, peo­ple and sit­u­a­tions that can be prac­tised to de­velop voice tone and com­pen­sate for the com­plete lack of knowl­edge about the sub­ject.

The next mod­ule as­sists the bud­ding cur­mud­geon to build their abil­ity to grum­ble in­dig­nantly and loudly to them­selves in the street about some­thing that has an­noyed them. This has a bonus free set of vo­cal ex­er­cises that will al­low you to ad­vance to shout­ing at the TV/ ra­dio in a com­pletely ir­ra­tional man­ner.

Mod­ule three has sam­ples of irate ram­bling — Let­ters to the Ed­i­tor with blank spa­ces in which to write you own words. For ex­am­ple: “The pre­vi­ous cor­re­spon­dent clearly knows noth­ing about [in­sert word].”

It also has phrases such as: “I am not a racist but [. . .]”; or “Not that I have any­thing against . . . [gay] [for­eign] [teenagers] [short peo­ple] but . . .”, while adding: “Back in my day that would not have been al­lowed” to fur­ther re­fine the level of clas­sic cur­mud­geonos­ity.

There is an exam at the end of

Q:

1.

2.

3.

4.

Feel­ing crotch­ety and can­tan­ker­ous? Hone your skills with Cur­mud­geon 101.

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