Steve Braunias’ secret diary of John Key

MONDAY

At the end of the day you can pin a tail on the donkey but you can’t pin anything on the Jonky.

All these people running around saying I should step down as chairman of ANZ, or that ANZ should get rid of me? Ain’t gonna happen. Not in a million years. Not ever. That’s not how it works. I roll; I don’t get rolled.

Not that I rolled chief executive David Hisco. The way

I would characterise it is that we parted company, and it was mutual.

From the moment we had discussions with him,

David was very firmly of the view that we should part company, and that was the view the New Zealand board had. It was a pretty simple decision on both sides that we should part company.

So it was a mutual parting of the ways when I said to him, “Get the hell out of here, Hisco.”

He didn’t say anything, just got out his phone and ordered a limousine to take him to Auckland Airport. We were in Queenstown at

the time.

TUESDAY

More people are running around saying I should step down as chairman of ANZ, or that ANZ should get rid of me. Memo to Grant Robertson: don’t run, mate. It’s not a good look. I know about looks. Okay so it might not be great optics that I sold Hisco his holiday house at 43 Success Court in Omaha.

But there’s nothing to see. I had a house for sale and he wanted to buy it. That’s all it is. Just a normal, ordinary sale of a $3.6 million house facing the golden sands of Omaha Beach. Fashion designer Trelise Cooper, glamour couple Dean and Mandy Barker and the Richwhite family also own property in the area. Omaha Beach Golf Club lists Hisco as a member.

All pretty run of the mill, just the Kiwi way of life.

WEDNESDAY

There’s still one or two idiots running around saying I should step down as chairman of ANZ, or that ANZ should get rid of me.

But people have short memories, and will soon forget there was any suspicion that Hisco’s exit was linked to the embarrassment the bank and board suffered when the Reserve Bank – which is responsible for the regulation of banks – issued a censure to ANZ for not correctly calculating its risks.

Not that there was any link. They were very separate issues.

Anyway Hisco would say, if he was asked, that he’d take some responsibility for that as the CEO of the organisation.

Him, and an emotional junior staffer.

Nothing to do with me. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’m merely the chairman of ANZ.

THURSDAY

Text from Simon Bridges. “Can I have your emotional junior staffer back when you’re finished, I might need someone to take the blame for something soon.”

Sent him back a thumbs-up emoji.

FRIDAY

No one is saying I should step down as chairman of ANZ, or that ANZ should get rid of me.

I sat back with my feet up and poured myself a wine, and remembered something I used to do to relax as Prime Minister.

I unscrewed my head from my shoulders and let it float up to the ceiling, as weightless as a balloon.

Ah. Such a good feeling at the end of the day.