Games sports: worst to first
Ahead of the Paris Olympics, Kris Shannon ranks all 35 sports at the 33rd Games using a highly subjective but correct method that will remain undisclosed.
35. Modern pentathlon Is there any country where modern pentathletes are treated with respect, let alone lauded? Let me know so I can avoid it.
34. Shooting Shooting is essentially watching a split screen with one half occupied by a motionless body and the other by a target in which tiny holes randomly appear. Replace with paintball?
33. Football Only sickos want this. At least the women’s tournament has some prestige; the men’s under-23 event can get in the Seine.
32. Tennis Playing at a grand slam venue a few weeks after a grand slam was played at the venue really reinforces the inanity of tennis’ inclusion.
31. Judo I dunno, man.
30. Taekwondo In Tokyo, New Zealander Tom Burns lost his first match (fight? duel?) by a score of 53-8. He lost his second match 23-8, when victory would have left him fighting (duelling?) for one of two bronze medals. Tom is probably nice but that’s participation trophy culture and we can’t stand for it.
29. Golf Olympic golf is missing LIV drama. To amend that, Bryson DeChambeau should naturalise and compete for Saudi Arabia. Imagine the YouTube content.
28. Sailing Hopefully there are no protected dolphins on the course in Marseilles, though the French probably aren’t quite as concerned. This is a relevant and timely Rainbow Warrior reference.
27. Sevens I get it. It’s rugby and we’re New Zealand. We like rugby. But the beauty of the Olympics is the chance to watch something a bit different.
26. Hockey See above.
25. Boxing Used my one boxing joke in another piece. “Fighting out of the orange corner” was good IMO.
24. Water polo Better in theory than practice. Ball + pool should equal fun, not strenuous labour.
23. Badminton Everyone knows the New Zealand badminton team were once “unofficially” called the Black
Cocks. What’s less known is we can’t even write that name anymore, due to woke.
22. Fencing Feels quintessentially French. I will not be elaborating.
21. Rowing Rowing has been kind to Kiwis so let’s return the favour with a mid-table ranking and move on before regretful things are said.
20. Archery Geena Davis attempted to qualify in archery for the 2000 Games, which is more notable when remembering she first caught the eye as a star baseball catcher.
19. Basketball Basketball is hardly alone in having an America problem. Yet we must appreciate greatness when we can. Going unbeaten since 1992 — a streak the women’s team will take to Paris — is astounding. (Also,
3x3 basketball is pointless. Not literally.)
18. Surfing Every Olympic surfing competition should be held not in the host country but a sunnier, sandier country the host country colonised. A little reward for, y’know, the colonising.
17. Table tennis Always struck by the
amount of space around the table — and the necessity of that space — while we play table tennis in a cramped garage.
16. Wrestling Attempting most Olympic sports would leave my body in tremendous pain, but I think wrestling would leave my body in the most exquisite pain.
15. Artistic swimming The event commonly known as synchronised swimming has been the biggest beneficiary of advancements in broadcast technology. No one labels it a joke once seeing clearly what happens underwater. Though the pool entrances are still pretty funny.
14. Sport climbing Calling it sport climbing is a canny way to pre-empt criticism that climbing isn’t a sport. Still dubious on that front with bouldering, but speed climbing was an instant Olympic sensation.
13. Canoeing With apologies to Lisa Carrington, we’ll be grateful for the addition of the slalom kayak cross — replacing the Dame’s beloved K1 200m. Instead of racing in lanes on flat water, paddlers will battle rapids and rivals on the slalom course. Carrington v Fisher will be decent, too.
12. Handball Gonna start a petition for handball to replace one of our traditionally played sports because New Zealand could absolutely be good at handball. It kind of looks like anyone could be good at handball?
11. Skateboarding In a former, grouchier life, I was an Olympic purist adamant that certain sports belonged and others did not. But skateboarding’s electric debut in Tokyo was a moment of reform. Those children were extremely impressive.
10. Triathlon What’s not to like. A strong Kiwi medal contender in Hayden Wilde. Cycling down the Champs-Elysees. A potential sprint finish on the Pont Alexandre III bridge. Just don’t mention swimming in the Seine. Merde!
9. Equestrian All equestrian competitions should be held at palaces, as we’ll see at Versailles. Such grandeur, such history: did you know that’s where Sofia Coppola filmed
Marie Antoinette?
8. Weightlifting If the most exciting event at the Olympics is the 100m sprint, the most exciting sight is the strain on a weightlifter’s face once they’ve locked elbows and await an eternity defying the limits of the physical form until that buzzer mercifully sounds.
7. Diving The big thing with diving is creating the smallest possible splash, right? And the big thing with manu is creating the biggest possible splash? But when diving and manu are staged separately, there’s no context for either achievement. Do the right thing, IOC.
6. Breaking We will very soon reach a point when people who pay attention to the Olympics for three weeks every four years are like, “WTF is breaking?” And to be honest, I share that sentiment. WTF is breaking? No one knows. But I can’t wait to find out.
5. Volleyball The best team sport features the best rallies — all that scrambling and diving and spiking and blocking. Beach volleyball, meanwhile, is a healthily tanned imitation.
4. Cycling Amazing variety on offer. As the Games demonstrate, there are so many ways to use a bike: going fast; doing tricks; going slow then fast; riding alone; riding with friends; going fast for a bit then slow for a bit then fast again; riding uphill; riding downhill; winning points; falling off; chasing an opponent; chasing the clock. I excelled at one of those.
3. Gymnastics If you watched every sport for the first time and were then told one was contested exclusively by shapeshifting aliens, gymnastics would be the immediate guess and also a satisfying explanation for how gymnasts do that.
2. Swimming Another boring choice, betraying a lack of understanding in how engagement-bait internet lists are supposed to work. But it turns out the top Olympic events involve humans, unencumbered by much equipment or many rules, racing one another in a straight line.
1. Athletics The Olympic motto is Citius, Altius, Fortius, meaning faster, higher, stronger. Or rather it was until the IOC in 2021 added Communiter, meaning together, presumably as rationale for continuing to invite Russian athletes. Only track and field awards medals for excellence in each quality. Please don’t fact check this.