How to be in con­trol

Whanganui Midweek - - NEWS - With Carla Lang­mead

When there is too much drama go­ing on in my life it sug­gests that I need to STOP and take STOCK of what I’m try­ing to con­trol.

We all have an in­nate need to feel in con­trol of our lives but some­times that need can dom­i­nate us to the point of cre­at­ing a life which can choke us with stress and anx­i­ety. Life has a way of re­flect­ing what’s work­ing and what’s not with the pat­terns that show up in our lives.

As children we didn’t have a choice, as we are com­pletely de­pen­dent on our care givers, how­ever as adults we get to choose whether we cre­ate or re­act to life.

Cre­at­ing re­quires the de­sire to learn, and if we find our­selves sur­rounded by con­stant drama, then we need to find a way to move past it, which is go­ing to re­quire a de­gree of let­ting go and our own need to stay in con­trol. To those who feel like it’s sur­vival of the fittest, sug­gests they have the be­lief “con­trol or be con­trolled”, yet we are more than that if we are pre­pared to feel vul­ner­a­ble and learn an­other way. While we are still part an­i­mal and are in­nately wired to fight or flee, we have the po­ten­tial for much big­ger states. Let’s use our brains to the best of their abil­ity. The need to feel in con­trol at all costs sug­gest a fear of step­ping into un­known ter­ri­tory.

Some­times life events can force us to go to ex­tremely un­com­fort­able places, and if we are pre­pared to let go then a koha can of­ten be found. Life ap­pears to find a way of throw­ing peo­ple or sit­u­a­tions at us. It para­dox­i­cally has to be this way as, let’s be re­al­is­tic, it’s not nat­u­ral for us to po­si­tion our­selves in re­ally un­com­fort­able sit­u­a­tions! Yet that’s where the sweet spot is. Those that know this state have moved past the need to be in con­trol and have mastered re­sponses which su­per­sede the need for fight or flight (un­less, of course, their life is in dan­ger). These folk haven’t got here by chance — they have danced with the dark nights of the soul and they know what it feels like to fight for their own peace of mind. They have learnt when to hang on and when to let go. They un­der­stand that when they are fight­ing they are fight­ing for some­thing in their past and they have de­ter­mined whether that past still has a place in their fu­ture or not and they make A CHOICE. They know that let­ting go is not to be con­fused with giv­ing up and have ex­pe­ri­enced the “bliss” that comes with let­ting go.

Let­ting go is not some­thing that can be an­a­lysed. To think about it makes it dis­ap­pear. It’s a “state” that sits out­side of our “known” selves. That’s the point! Let­ting go can be prac­tised though, and those who can achieve it (with­out the use of sub­stances) will reap the sus­tain­able ben­e­fits. A de­ci­sion to want to let go has to be the first step, and the de­sire and the in­ten­tion to want some­thing other than what’s now. For those who feel “stuck” it sug­gests a des­per­ate need to stay in con­trol as the fear of the un­known feels too great. Yet it is in the un­known that great things can hap­pen. My mahi sup­ports those who are ready for a change and are ready to let go but don’t know how. We take baby steps to­wards “some­thing” else. I’m not the sort of coach to en­gage with if there is a need to keep fo­cus­ing on the past. The an­swers don’t lie there and nei­ther will you find them in blame — no mat­ter what. All blame does is val­i­date your cur­rent state and if you’ve al­ready made the de­ci­sion that you need to change, then your “cur­rent” state has no an­swers for you. There are tools that can as­sist us in trans­for­ma­tion and some are as sim­ple as step­ping out­side our com­fort zones. Make an ap­point­ment for a free half hour one-to-one chat to see if my type of sup­port fits with your need to soar.­las­coach­ing­


We all need to feel in con­trol of our lives.

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