OUR LOVE TRANSCENDS GENDER
They’re on this journey together
In the winter of 2014, Bex Redman and Lydia O’Dowd met and fell in love on New Brighton Beach in Christchurch. Bonding over a shared love of spirituality, the outdoors and travel, the two women just clicked.
“We instantly knew we would have a profound effect on the other person’s life,” recalls Lydia, 22.
But two years into their relationship, Bex became Bax.
The subtle name change symbolised Bax’s journey to become the person he felt he was born to be. Nine months ago, the 25-year-old began hormone replacement therapy to transition from a woman into a man.
“I always felt like I had a male mind in a female body,” Bax explains. “Every day was like wearing a costume and it was exhausting.”
The couple, who live out of a van and work as seasonal fruit pickers, are sharing their deeply personal journey in the hope it will help others.
Bax says there’s little support in New Zealand for people wanting to transition – no specialist endocrinologist and no sex change surgeon.
“The first person I told was my GP and I was terrified,” he admits. “I felt like a freak. My push now is to raise awareness because I’m thankful for the opportunity I’ve been given.”
And Bax’s journey has also been Lydia’s. Each fortnight, Lydia administers the injection that gradually transforms her partner’s body.
Bax’s jaw has become more masculine, his chest and voice have changed, and he’s growing facial hair. He smiles, “We don’t have mirrors in the van, so when I do get to see my reflection, I think, ‘Whoa!’”
Bax grew up in Dunedin with his parents, twin brother and two older brothers. As a child, he wore only shorts and T-shirts but thought nothing of it. “Mum didn’t force me to wear dresses. There was nothing in my life that held me in a category.”
The idea of transitioning never crossed his mind.
“It’s like being born with one leg and no-one tells you about prosthetics – I didn’t know it was possible.”
But when Bax – or Bex as he was then – hit puberty, he began to loathe his developing body, wrapping his breasts and hiding them under baggy T-shirts.
“I had a lot of anger and the only way of getting it out was to run,” he explains. “It wasn’t uncommon for me to run 20km a day.”
At 18, he spent a year hitchhiking around New Zealand. “It sounds like fun, but it really wasn’t. I was incredibly lonely, but I didn’t want to be around anyone.”
In the end, he tried to focus on himself, his happiness and his spirituality. “I worked hard at loving myself. I knew there was nothing wrong with me, mentally or physically.”
Moment of truth
Bax took on a builder’s apprenticeship, thinking it would make him feel more masculine, but his boss took him to a support network for women in trades. “It made no sense – I didn’t feel like I was one of them,” he recalls.
Even when he fell in love with Lydia, something was missing. “I had a great life, partner, job and family, yet I was still unhappy. I just didn’t know why.”
The turning point came when Bax and Lydia watched a documentary on sex change. “I sat there in tears. I was like, ‘Why the hell did no-one tell me about this?’”
Together, the couple went to their GP to see if Bax was suitable for hormones. “I felt relief, excitement and terror,” Bax remembers.
He was also terrified of how Lydia would react. “Any sane person would have walked away. It will always mean everything to me that Lydia thinks I’m worth it.”
Lydia says while they’ve had their hard days, they’ve kept communicating and worked their way through it.
“The physical parts of Bex that I fell in love with have slowly disappeared and been replaced with new sounds and smells, and hair, which I have grown to love as Bax.”
Turning to her partner, Lydia smiles, “Your gender never mattered to me – male or female. I was always just attracted to you as a person.”
A hard phone call to make was the one to Bax’s family. At 18, he’d already told them he was lesbian.
“I said, ‘Mum, you know how I’ve always wanted to be more masculine? Well, I’m more than a tomboy – I’m transgender.’”
Thankfully, they were supportive – and for that, Bax knows he’s lucky.
“It’s a massive thing for me to have my family’s support,” he tells. “When I told my twin, he said, ‘Yeah, sweet as, it doesn’t matter.’”
And it’s not only Bax’s family who have his back. For Christmas, Lydia’s father bought him his first shaver and taught Bax how to use it.
The pair are now fundraising on Givealittle for Bax’s top surgery – the removal of his breast tissue – and may later consider a full sex change. The Government only funds one female-to-male surgery every two years, so with the current waiting list, Bax would have a 30-year wait.
In the meantime, though, Bax and Lydia are just enjoying being together and being truly themselves.
“I love seeing you like this – you’re as happy as Larry,” jokes Lydia.
Bax says with a smile, “I feel so happy and free. Finally, I am who I’m meant to be.”