Twins tell all
Topp secret movie mission
As quintessentially Kiwi as pavlova, Swanndri and jandals combined, the Topp Twins are small-town New Zealand personified in the most unconventional package ever.
But despite being national treasures for over three decades, the 58-year-old Huntly-born entertainers concede that another Kiwi musician has single-handedly eclipsed their success. “There’s only one Lorde every 100 years,” says Lynda.
Sister Jools nods in total agreement, “She’s a direct descendent of Jesus and Mary, because what’s happened to her is nothing short of a divine intervention – for this nerdy schoolgirl from the North Shore to do what she’s done ... How does it work?”
The same might be said of the Topps, the first and possibly only yodelling lesbian feminist activist comedienne twins on the planet. Over the past 32 years, they’ve done everything from skits and songs to the lifestyle/ cooking show ToppCountry, which will return to our screens for a third season this year.
Next in the pipeline is a feature-length film starring all their beloved characters, including Camp Mother, Camp Leader, the Two Kens and the Bowling Ladies. “We’ve pretty much done everything else, so why not a movie?” says Jools. “That’s the top thing on both our bucket lists. We need to tick it off.”
Talk of bucket lists is especially poignant after Jools’ highly public battle with breast cancer, but the topic of health is politely but firmly off the menu. The Topps would prefer to discuss their upcoming tour of Aotearoa’s small towns, which they’ve dubbed Heading fortheHills.
Small towns are firmly in the twins’ blood, with both women relishing their lives on lifestyle blocks amid strong local communities. Last year, Jools moved from Liberty Circle Ranch, the sprawling West Auckland property she shared with her ex-partner, US-born Mary Massara, into a smaller place a few kilometres down the road. For the first time in years, she’s living alone, in a three-bedroom mudbrick house with harbour views, alongside seven horses, her beloved King Charles spaniel White Feather and “the reddest, reddest pohutukawa tree”.
“I love it,” she tells. “I’m reconnecting with myself. I’ve got a beautiful vege garden and I get to ride my horse Texas every day. I’m so incredibly lucky to be living my dream. It might be weird for some people, but all I want to do is ride my horse, dig holes and get dirty on the land.”
Home&heart
Jools might live alone, but she’s far too busy to be lonely. “I have a lot of friends nearby,” she smiles. “They’re the people you call when you need help getting a cow out of the drain. Mary and I are still the best of friends, though. We consciously uncoupled! As long as we’re alive, we’ll be looking out for each other.” The exes spent Christmas together at Jools’ new home, along with Lynda, her wife Donna and the twins’ parents, Jean and Peter.
For Lynda, the tour will mean a stint away from café manager Donna. The pair, an item for 10 years, had a cowgirl-themed civil union in March 2013 on the grounds
of their B&B, Topp Lodge, in the small Canterbury town of Staveley. Months later, in August, same-sex marriage was legalised and now Lynda reveals to Woman’s Day that she and Donna quietly wed in a low-key ceremony at home two years ago.
“We are officially, legally Mrs and Mrs Topp,” she beams. “We had my brother Bruce and his partner Richard, Donna’s mum and dad, her two boys Oliver and Cameron, and also a couple of neighbours to represent the Staveley community.
“The fact that we are now legally married as well as civil unioned means we have all these different anniversaries. Donna loves it, though I’m terrible at remembering, but it doesn’t really matter because every day’s an anniversary if you’re with the person you love.”
Between April 1 and May 21, the Topps will tour NZ performing music and comedy before retiring to sleep side by side in the 1500kg trailer they’ve named Tussock, which comes complete with a potbelly stove.
They’ll be whipping up mostly Vogel’s bread with Vegemite and bean sprouts, washed down with Earl Grey tea, but they’re hoping for a home-cooked meal or two when they stop in at their parents’ place in Morrinsville. “Mum’s still got our single beds and our lime-green bedspreads, ”grins Lynda. “Even though we’re 59 this year, some things never change!”
As talk excitedly turns back to their horses, the twins concede life is as happy and busy as ever. “We’re living our dreams and there’s never a dull moment,” says Jools. “We’re either on the road, doing TV, riding horses or making movies! One day we’ll retire, but not yet. Not for a long time. There’s plenty of life left in the old girls yet!”