MELTING MOMENTS
Mums deserve all the praise they can get, say s Kate
Every day is Mother’s Day,” my dad used to say to us. I think he was just using it as an excuse to make another of his endless declarations of unconditional love for Mum in front of us. But I can’t help thinking now that I am a mother (and stepmum) that every day certainly does not feel like Mother’s Day!
The daily grind of motherly Groundhog Day is relentless, frustrating, tiring and draining. Motherhood feels like a solo feat of love, work, commitment, sleepless nights and selflessness in one-way traffic. By one way, I mean you pour it all out, but don’t expect anything to be bouncing back. Children are sponges – they’ll soak it all up, but it will be a long time before they “get it”. Maybe not even until they have kids of their own.
And when it comes to step-parenting, not only will all of your endeavours be one way, but they’ll also be invisible. The most apt quote I’ve read on step-parenting? It’s defined as “doing all of the work for none of the credit”. Once you accept that, you’re away.
But we wouldn’t change a thing, would we? It’s innate. We can’t not “mother” once we are a mother. It’s a natural maternal instinct that kicks in and seemingly never leaves us. “He’s almost 18,” my husband will say to me as I fret about my eldest son. “Still my baby, though,” I’ll reply.
We hope the mothering pays dividends with our kids – and I don’t mean scholarships and awards. I mean the opposite of that, actually. Kids who grow up to be decent, kind people who make good friends and have empathy in spades, a good attitude and a love of life. Some other mother is welcome to have miserable, stressed overachievers with high IQs, but I’d take a good-hearted kid with a lust for life any day of the week. And as for the “returns” part, that’s actually in all the little things, isn’t it?
It’s the first time they say, “I love you,” the first time they leave you a handwritten note, the first time your teenager initiates a hug with you that you haven’t had to beg for ... Better still, in front of his mates! These little moments, as any mother knows, are the heart-busting moments that keep us going. Not that we’d stop going if we didn’t get them, but they spur us on.
So if you’re on your own this Mother’s Day, know that you’re doing the best job you can, that you’re the best mum for those kids, that one day they’ll see it for what it is and that anything they do in life that is good or decent, you can take credit for! One day, they’ll grow up to be mums and dads of their own, and what you’re teaching them now is how to do that. They’ll learn more from what you do than what you say.
And if you get to share the parenting load with someone, then loudly shout each other’s attributes from the rooftops in front of the kids. Shower the other parent in praise at every opportunity. Because if my dad’s enthusiasm for my mum’s parenting taught me anything, it was what a great partnership looks like. Happy Mother’s Day.