Pollyism of the week

When the Tooth Fairy was handing out gnashers, she must have decided that half the children would have super-strong teeth and the others would get teeth made of chalk. My sister had the whitest, strongest teeth in the world and not one single cavity, despite her penchant for lollies. I got chalk teeth. Now I’m too scared to go to the dentist again.

I have an ache up to the right and a slight twinge down to the right. I have a niggle on the bottom left and a broken tooth top left. My teeth are my biggest embarrassment. A few years ago, I saved and saved to get veneers on six top teeth.

As a child, I got whacked in the mouth with a ball and one of my front teeth went a funny shade of grey. Over the years, that tooth, along with all the others, caused me hell.

While attending university in the US, I was always poor. I spent my money mainly on food. My sister would constantly be paying my dentist bills. She was so generous and I will always be grateful that she not only had perfect teeth, but also an amazing, magical ability to save money. Little did she know she was only saving to pay for my dental care, but God bless that big sister of mine. I really wish she was still around to cough up for my treatment now.

Through the years, I have been on so many fad diets. I recall one being two bran biscuits and a cup of cabbage daily, along with one glass of grapefruit juice. There was the questionable diet where I only drank trim milk and chewed bubblegum. Both of those diets must have done wonders for my teeth. I so regret all the stupid fads I went through.

The whole party-nowpay-later idea never seemed to sink in. Little did I know that a few years on, I’d be too ashamed to go to the dentist. He is the coolest guy in the world and absolutely brilliant, but the main fear I have is that the lovely young dental assistant will be horrified and shocked by my horrid teeth. I can’t imagine how I can face any white-toothed 21-year-old staring into my oral abyss. Oh, what to do?

So let’s imagine I have the money to pay for the extensive repairs (she throws her head back and laughs maniacally). Would it be kosher to ask that the dental assistant be blindfolded? Could she be made to wear dark glasses? Could I have just the dentist and a comfort animal in the room? Could I pay the assistant not to tell anyone what she saw?

I know it’s crazy to worry about what someone you don’t really know thinks about your teeth, but I guess we all have a “thing”, right? In my case, I have three things – my teeth, my left upper arm and my right upper arm. Oh, what I’d do for Michelle Obama’s arms and Julia Roberts’ teeth!