How leaders should respond to emotional conflict (2)
In many workspaces across the globe, there is the unspoken rule that emotions should remain unexpressed. So, individuals, whether they are entry- level staff or C- Suite executives, try so hard to bottle in their feelings. However, emotions can’t stay bottled in for so long. Due to common triggers and circumstances, they come gushing out without a filter. But because we have not been taught how to manage our emotions, these volatile outbursts can cause even more damage in the workplace. They tend to play a massive role in many of the conflicts in the work environment.
Because not much time has been spent learning how to express our emotions and learning to gauge other’s people emotions, as adults, we enter battlefields without wearing the correct armour. It is no wonder many of us get bitterly injured in the conflicts that occur day in and day out in our different workplaces. These conflicts are created because we are operating based not just on our emotions but also on the layers and layers of coded history hidden behind the things that trigger us.
We severely underestimate our past and our emotional patterns. Yet, we cling so tightly to the narratives formed in our childhood and formative years about specific emotions and triggers.
Unfortunately, because we have not learnt to watch out for our triggers, we keep entering danger zones time and time again and failing to realize that our emotions don’t have to hold us captive. Many people are not aware that with practice and patience, we can learn to control how we express our feelings and react to other people’s feelings. But we also break and change our emotional patterns and narratives.
It is interesting that even though we are adults and supposedly far removed from our childhood, we still carry with us our emotional patterns and narratives we have created. Often the meanings and beliefs we attach to how we respond or manage our emotions and react to other people’s feelings are rooted in our childhood experiences. In those early formative years, we learnt how to view the world and relate to it. Our emotional foundation was then laid as we watched the power figures in our lives respond to our own emotions and theirs. We saw, experienced, and learned these things often leave a significant imprint on our young minds that are often hard to shake. They are so impactful because they affect how we then begin to think and act even as adults so that even though we are far removed from our childhood experiences, whenever we encounter a new experience that reminds us of the past, we immediately go back to being the little child we once were and either push away or defend ourself to protect ourselves from what we perceive as a danger.
The problem with that is that we are no longer children, and these new experiences are not the same as our past experiences. We are dealing with different people who are bringing their perspectives into the conflict. Besides, we might miss out on seeing the accurate picture because our minds are clouded with the current situation and the carryover effect of past conflicts that have nothing to do with the present case. In this situation, our unfiltered emotions can distort and even escalate potential disputes in the workplace.
However, the opposite happens when we have learned to manage and filter our emotions. We can deal with the current situation by focusing on why we feel the way we do and carefully communicating with the other party while also actively listening to their point of view. The result is that we walk away with a clearer picture while also de- escalating what could have become a potential conflict.
The truth is that our emotions are powerful. When we fail to manage them, we are like drivers driving in the dark and unaware of the ditch ahead. So even though there might be signs warning the driver of the danger. Because they are unfamiliar with the terrain, they continue driving, even increasing their speed until they end up in the ditch. When we fail to manage our emotions, we cannot hear and respond appropriately to current situations because our anger and fear in the interim have partially blinded how we perceive the world around us. The opposite occurs when we have learned how to more emotionally intelligent. Because we have learnt to read the patterns and the signs, we are aware of our blind spots; we can then hear and respond appropriately to every situation at hand.
The conflicts we often face at work or anywhere else, for that matter, tend to trigger intense emotional reactions. Often it is these emotional reactions that are the significant element that keeps us locked in an impasse. These emotional reactions are closely tied to our patterns and experiences. Until we do the hard job of becoming more self- aware and learning beyond our responses to the root causes, we can free ourselves and unlock ourselves from the impasse that tends to occur in conflicts.
It is clear then that there is a need for those who want to master their emotions to develop their emotional intelligence. Emotions are a huge component of who we are as individuals. Therefore, there must be a better way to manage our feelings and constructively to help solve personal and organisational problems. This is where Emotional Intelligence comes into play.
Do lookout for a continuation of this article.
Sobande is a Lawyer and Strategic Leadership Expert. He is the Principal of Stephens Leadership Consultancy LLC, a boutique consulting firm offering creative insight and solutions to businesses and leaders. Email: contactme@toyesobande.com