Beautiful nonsense
IN “The path of user needs, avoiding beautiful nonsense, and the shelves of wisdom,” Ian Roddis asked (and I paraphrase), “What if an information system isn’t informed by user needs, hasn’t considered the peculiarities of users’ work environments, hasn’t been tested across the board, and it isn’t understood what impact it will have on the people? And what if it suits the system rather than the people using the system?”
Now, let’s subject IPPIS, an information system, to Ian Roddis’ tests. Was IPPIS informed by user needs? The answer is no. Did IPPIS consider the peculiarities of different work environments? The answer is no. Was IPPIS subjected to an integrity test? Again, the answer is no. At the time IPPIS was conceived, all the government wanted was a centralised salary payment system that would curb corruption and eliminate wastages in the payment of salary to government employees. Besides, there was a World Bank facility of about $4.9 million to throw around in the name of IPPIS. That was how the beautiful nonsense called IPPIS was birthed.
The problem with IPPIS and similar interventions by the Nigerian government is that such interventions most of the time do turn out to be ineffective to address the problems they were meant to solve. This is not to say that the idea behind IPPIS is totally wrong. But when a tool like IPPIS is not foolproof, any fool can misuse the IPPIS tool to loot the treasury. If you know, you know!
It is good to know that the Federal Government has inaugurated a Presidential Steering Committee to review Integrated Payroll and Personal Information System (IPPIS) over irregularities. But my advice to the Federal Government is to keep an open mind and not foreclose UTAS. If peradventure UTAS turns out to be better than IPPIS, I see the Federal Government begging ASUU to allow IPPIS be migrated to the UTAS platform.
UTAS or IPPIS, things are no longer at ease for ASUU as her rival has announced her arrival. CONUA from day one has been giving the government a blow job (a blow to ASUU!). Since the government started kissing CONUA, it has been maltreating ASUU. While CONUA is getting the joystick, ASUU is getting the big stick. However, the big stick used on the first wife is waiting for the second wife.
But don’t let this stick in your mind. Imagine a threesome of ASUU, CONUA and the Federal Government. And imagine the Nigerians students as well as minors watching through the windows that were left open. What a shame!
Let’s leave shame for the APC government. However, it isn’t that the Federal Government is not doing anything to resolve issues with ASUU, especially ASUU’S objection to IPPIS. But why is ASUU so pissed with IPPIS?
IPPIS is managed by civil servants that populate the Nigerian Civil Service. The best you can get from the Nigerian Civil Service is poor service. If you have any dealings with the Nigerian Civil Service, I’m sorry for you.
When you enroll on the IPPIS platform, you are faced with having to interface with the faceless people managing the IPPIS. You have no choice as a civil servant. But ASUU wanting to choose UTAS over IPPIS is one of the reasons ASUU is in a running battle with the Federal Government. And now the problem is compounded with CONUA getting at loggerheads with ASUU in what seems like a welcome outcome to divide the rank and file of ASUU by the government.
The government you elect is the government you deserve. If it doesn’t serve you right, it serves you right!
It’s right, IPPIS is wrong. It pays ghost workers. But a situation whereby one has to travel all the way to the IPPIS Office in Abuja to resolve salary payment irregularities occasioned by IPPIS pisses me off.
I hiss every time I hear them deceiving themselves and boasting that 70,000 ghost workers had been knocked out from the payroll. Shaking my head, for Idris’ sake, the Accountant General through IPPIS was able to save N109 billion for the rainy days.
The other day at a Workers’ Day event, the president reiterated his commitment to address squarely the problems of ghost workers. But I think ghost workers have no problems. At least most ghost workers can afford three square meals. What ghost workers see as a problem is getting captured. I was captured redhanded when I attempted to thumbprint for my late twin brother. I felt so sorry. But in truth, I’m lying.
I can’t stop lying. I lie about anything and everything, be it my age, my educational background or where I originated from. Nigerians do question my questionable source of wealth. But nobody has ever accused me of 419. But if it is greed, my greed is more than 419. My greed is 41999999999999…up to infinity. But to what end is my greed? I seek answers.
I don’t seek bribes. But for crying out loud, I was bribed with a brand new car. In Tosin’s eyes it is a sin in God’s eyes. In my eyes it is a Mercedes-benz G-class. We see things differently and God sees not as man sees.
But see, Tosin and I were coming from the airport. I sat beside Tosin who was driving my Mercedes-benz G-class. But just as we were driving out of the airport, we saw a beautiful lady standing by the roadside, apparently waiting for a ride. I suggested we give the lady a ride, to which Tosin objected saying the lady appeared like a sex worker. Yet Tosin couldn’t get his eyes off the lady; he was looking at the lady in the mirror as we drove past. But as Tosin was not facing front, and not seeing a stationary truck in front, what happened next was a nightmare. Our car rammed into the stationary truck at breakneck speed. For a moment I didn’t know where I was, but I think I heard, “Every Sina will go to hell.” I quickly opened my eyes and I saw ‘Pastor’ Tosin preaching inside a BRT bus. Then it dawned on me that I had been sleeping and dreaming inside a BRT bus going to Mile 12.
Even though it was a dream, I hate that Tosin crashed my dream car. I hate Tosin. I hate to sin. I hate Tosin no more. I hated Tosin more for dismissing a skimpily dressed lady as a sex worker. Even if she is a sex worker, she is a worker in her own right.
In my own right, I’m a ghost worker. You won’t believe I’m better than government workers who go to work to mark time. At work, they form activities to appear busy. Busy doing what? Busy doing nothing!
Doing nothing is better than being busy doing nothing. Most government workers don’t know they’re just busy doing nothing. They don’t know jack. They cheat the system by occupying seats meant for capable hands. Just look at them!
Look at Fatima! Fatima works at the CBN. She smiles to the bank every month-end. I ask Fatima why CBN is not on IPPIS. She asks why ask why and then turns everything into a joke. “You know, the CBN has no ghost workers. Besides, the Nigerian central bank is no match for the IPPIS data bank.” “Oh, I see what you mean!” I said. “You mean the CBN salary package is too heavy for the IPPIS. Àtàrí àjànàkú kìíse ẹrù ọmọdé.” It sounds like a joke. The joke is on IPPIS.
IPPIS was designed for ghost workers. There are no ghost workers at the CBN. The CBN, a stone’s throw from the central mosque, is close to the Christian worship centre. Ghosts don’t go anywhere near places of worship. I think that is why there are no ghost workers at the CBN. And I think I have to drop the toga of a ghost worker and take up a job at the central bank. I want to start earning a fat salary and be feeding fat like Fatima. I don’t want to remain like a skeleton forever.
From today, I will cease to be a ghost worker. There remains a contingent of ghost workers out there. They remain a formidable force to confront. You can’t tackle them if you don’t know their tactics. Believe me, I know their tricks and if you can trick me, you can steal some tips from my lips before I close my mouth.
Bring your ears; I have a secret to tell you. There is no one IPPIS. There is more than one IPPIS deployed by the Office of the Accountant General. There are as many IPPIS packages as there are different players in the field of play. The game is for those who can play ball.
I play ball and this is me playing football with IPPIS top players. It is a live football match. The referee is about to blow the final whistle as I take a penalty kick. If I score, we win and that’s the end of the game. A miss means we’re going into extra time. All eyes on me! As the referee blows the whistle, I put the ball inside the net. It is a gooooooooo!