RE: PLIGHT OF DIVORCED MUSLIM WOMEN 3
My three contributors (Mairo Mamman, Binta Dankware and Fatima Umar) and I were inundated with responses on the three articles on this topic over the past three weeks. We cumulatively got more than 5,000 words (for a 1,100-word Column!) Below is a representative sample. Some names are protected on request: Kindly help me about the purpose of this series on our divorced Muslim sisters. Is it to encourage them to remarry? Or to discourage them? It certainly goes beyond sympathising with their fate. In my interpretation, the articles do sympathise but also overdid it to the extent that they are discouraging remarrying - they seem to be advising the pursuit of academic or business career instead of marriage. This, I feel, isn’t right considering our background and the influence we have in our constituency. My purpose is to draw your attention to this slip.
Frankly, we need not only talk about this, but should also take action on engaging the society as a whole on the need to treat divorcees fairly. For the men, it can happen to their daughters/sisters or even their mothers. Well done for the pieces! I like that you took on the deepest and hardest issues to discuss. Thank you my sisters, again, and I appreciate the columns more than you can imagine.
I must say may Allah reward my parents and relatives for standing by me in my hour of need. Many of us are not so lucky - I know of a young woman who was divorced with a new-born baby. The young mother is herself sickly and, as she was also orphaned, had to join her own mother to live with an uncle (the mother’s brother) where she suffered (and still continues to suffer) many indignities too numerous to mention. Meanwhile, because the father of her baby refused to tend for his child, she is always at Hisba ‘Court’ pursuing maintenance, with much suffering as she is so unwell. The uncle has now brought in a suitor, who has turned out to be HIV-positive, yet uncle and her own mother are insisting she marry him. Devil and deep blue sea. Inna lilLahi wa inna ilaiHi rajiún! Kai! Wasu mazan sai Allah Ya isa! For three weeks you stirred the Amazons in Hausaland. The surprise is that they took this long before asserting themselves, considering how modern education has spread among the womenfolk. Now that the cat has been let out of the bag of tradition, we should start suggesting solutions. The Sarkin Kano initiative could be the beginning of a search for such. How about codifying the abundant provisions in the Quran and Hadiths as regards dissolution of marriage and the subsequent care of the woman and her children by the man? What else would the women wish for since divorce is a painful part of modern life? I must acknowledge the fact that you are very courageous women for consistently standing up for what you believe in. Honestly we need more women to come out and discuss this menace more openly with the hope of removing the stigma that many women unfortunately go through in our society. I must agree that the trauma of going through divorce and its associated factors (e.g. child custody) is a huge emotional rollercoaster in itself. A divorcee needs moral support, acceptance and acknowledgement. Whether she loses her child or wins custody, it is never an easy battle. I hope a support and empowerment network will spring out of these write-ups as it is a gap that needs to be filled in our society.
An ce “ciwon ‘ya mace na ‘ya mace ne…” I think this phrase is wrong, because some women don’t really care what happens to you being divorced or abandoned because he took a second or third wife etc. They just couldn’t be bothered. Ko me ya faru sai ace ka yi hakuri ai qaddara ne...but in a kansu ya faru ba qaddara ba ne...it’s so unfortunate and unfair. I would rather say or believe that “ciwon ‘ya mace na ‘ya macen da ta damu da ita ne!” You can imagine how a mother frustrates her daughter simply because the daughter is divorced. I really admire your courage for sharing this with us. If all women will really sit down and reflect on issues din nan...we have to learn to support one another even with kind words, then our problems would be reduced.
It is easy for someone to dismiss your pieces as the rantings of divorced women full of anger, rage and bitterness, but for discerning minds you raised some valid points that need further probing in order to determine wherein lie the problems bedevilling divorced women in the North. Having said this, I think from my experience both parties have their faults. Most men are driven by ego. We hardly appreciate the fact that the world has changed and there is a new woman who is educated, exposed and economically empowered. The relationship needs to be symbiotic and of mutual respect. On the other hand, women, especially those brainwashed by feminism, have lost all sense of modesty and humility. They are carried away by their successes, e.g. earning power through employment and entrepreneurship. And so they rub it on the faces of their
It is easy for someone to dismiss your pieces as the rantings of divorced women full of anger, rage and bitterness, but for discerning minds you raised some valid points