‘Crushing’ on His Excellency

My eyes were so glued to my phone screen that I had no idea Tahir was hovering over me until he spoke. Apparently, he was looking at the same thing I was viewing.

‘Oh dear, don’t tell me she’s dead or kidnapped.’ He remarked, from where he stood next to my chair.

‘No, why would you think so? Must it be bad news with a face like hers?’ I asked.

‘It’s almost always bad news when you see a photo trending on social media these days. And the worst of the bad news is death, followed by kidnapping lately.’ He replied, walking over to his favourite chair in the parlour to sit.

‘Well, this young lady is neither dead nor kidnapped. In fact, she is an aspirant.’ I explained, smiling.

‘Aspirant for what? I mean she looks a bit too young to be a politician.’ Tahir observed.

‘Yes, I agree with you she does. But she’s ambitious enough to aspire, not to run for an office but to get close enough to a big one. In fact, her main aspiration now is to become Gwaggo’s nightmare.’ I said.

‘Gwaggo’s nightmare? Which Gwaggo and how will she achieve that?’ He asked, perplexed.

‘Gwaggo is the Governor’s wife. And this young lady believes her heart beats for no one but His Excellency and so she’s busy telling anyone who would listen that she’s in love with and wishes to marry him.’ I explained.

‘Haba Bint, how can you believe such an awful tale? This is a young and very beautiful woman. She can’t be so desperate for suitors that she’d seek a man old enough to be her grandfather. You can’t believe everything you see or hear on WhatsApp and the like. Someone with her looks can have no shortage of suitors willing to marry her.’ Tahir argued.

‘I thought the same thing too, Hubby dearest, but by the time I heard her declaring her love for the governor in her own voice, I knew the story is true.’ I answered.

‘Do you mean that this photo is followed by her own recorded voice? Still, how do you know that it’s really her talking? Anyone can attach her picture to a voice recording and post it to cause mischief.’ Tahir insisted.

‘Maybe, but this one is a news report as broadcast by one of the independent radio stations in the state. The reporter spoke both to the young lady and her parents. They all confirmed the story that she has declared undying love for the septuagenarian governor, a reason why she is busy turning down all suitors who came her way lately.’ I added.

‘Are you sure it’s not a scene from some radio drama that they attached to her photo?’ Tahir asked skeptically.

‘No, the presenter is actually a popular radio host. There is no way you can mistake him for a voice actor. In fact, I think I should just play the recording for you to hear. That way you’ll understand that everything about this story is genuine.’ I offered, pressing the play icon and handing my phone over to him.

‘This is incredible.’ Tahir said after listening to the broadcast. ‘What is wrong with this girl? She’s not even ashamed to tell the world about her crazy infatuation with an old man?’

‘But he’s not just any old man Tahir. He’s a governor and that makes him rich, powerful and attractive.’ I replied, with a short laugh.

‘This isn’t funny Bint. You can’t just brush aside the fact that the young lady is making a fool of herself.’ He protested.

‘I don’t think she’ll agree with you Tahir. First of all you are forgetting one important fact. Nana is a divorcee. If you have listened well, at the introduction to the story, the presenter said she was a divorcee ‘sakin wawa’. That means a young newly-married but divorced lady.

With most women, after the first marriage, all the others are seen as investments, a means by which she gets wealth, fame or just a comfortable life. Her desire for a ‘better catch next time’ is sometimes informed by how much she suffered the first time. If she had a real hard time, and she’s beautiful and young, then the aim is usually to ensnare someone who can guarantee her a real easy time.

And the richer the better. With a goal like that, you know age is nothing but a number. And I believe this is Nana’s point of view right now.’ I concluded.

‘But it’s truly unfortunate. Does anyone know what the governor thinks about this?’ Tahir asked.

‘I don’t think so, I mean no one would dare ask him his opinion on the matter. Or do you think a journalist can walk up to him and say. “Your Excellency, what would say about the young lady who announced she has a huge crush on you?” I don’t think anyone can do that. Not in our part of the world anyway.’ I answered.

‘Well, I’m glad that no one is taking her seriously. She should learn to do something worthwhile with her life than dream of getting hooked to a busy politician in his seventies.’ Tahir advised.

‘You are right, Hubby dearest. I will try to reach out to the radio host and send a message to her. I will tell him to advise her to go back to school or enrol in a skills acquisition programme, to enable her learn some craft

‘But it’s truly unfortunate. Does anyone know what the governor thinks about this?’Tahir asked. ‘I don’t think so, I mean no one would dare ask him his opinion on the matter. Or do you think a journalist can walk up to him and say. “Your Excellency, what would say about the young lady who announced she has a huge crush on you?” I don’t think anyone can do that. Not in our part of the world anyway.’ I answered.

with which to earn money and sustain herself. With any luck she will get someone close to her age and caring enough to make her forget His Excellency.’ I joked.

‘Let’s hope she’ll take your advise Bint. With a face like that Nana might opt for Kannywood. And in that world where the aim is to make it into films at all costs, morality is usually sacrificed at the alter of success in the industry. But it’s a lot easier than going back to school and learning some handcraft, for someone who’s only looking for a rich and easy life. And this is why I think this young lady might show up there as soon as her bid to trap the governor fails.’ Tahir opined.

‘She needs our prayers obviously, wherever she ends up after failing to become Gwaggo’s headache.’ I suggested.