More balls than men
Who says Naija is good for nothing? That person has not been reading the news. Truth is that we have a knack for exporting absurdity in more ways than others only envy. Ghana started coups, but when Naija khaki boys embraced the fad, they exported it far and wide stopping only when they reached the Gambian river. One of the first bills that the Naija parliament passed in the halcyon days of ChubaOkadigbo was the order of protocol by which the dishonorable and the extinguished are higher in rank to governors and the chief justice of the nation. Before then, even the late IkennaNdagubahad a compere’s block.
Today in Kenya the infamous Order of Precedence Bill is hotter on the plate than the number of civilians roasted by al-shabaab bombs. FatouBensouda’s boys at the International Court of Justice, should watch their tongue if they fail to give William Ruto his due because failing to call him His Excellency is insolence in Kenya, punishable with $23,000 fine or one year jail term, and if you meet a loyal judge, or both. The annual minimum wage in Nairobi is $1,800, which compares favourably with an MPs slashed take home pay which is a paltry $75,000 (down from $120,000) but excluding a $58,000 car allowance. Kenya should pay our legislooters royalty, and I hope David Mark is watching.
South Sudan is the size of France, but that’s where the comparison ends. It is only three years oldas a nation and has less paved roads than some local government areas in Kano. It fought hard for its independence and ought to be using its rich oil for development. Instead, it is buying more guns; not to protect game at the Boma National Park against poachers but to produce more orphans and widows.
SalvaKiir, the fedora-wearing president and a Dinka woke up one morning and sacked his vice, RiekMachar, aNuer.Machar did not wait for next elections, he had fears there may never be one, so he sneaked out of Juba to his village and started an insurgency which is slaughtering people in hordes. Angered by the ‘distraction’ (to borrow from President Jones), the president sacked his army chief, General James Hoth Mai also a Nuer. It’s a practical lesson to keep your friends closer and isolate your enemies farther, every Naijacan identify with that.
Please Google Central African Republic and watch the archetypal economic war between ‘natives’ and ‘settlers’that should make Plateau warriors green with envy. The amulet-wearing ‘christians’ are slaughtering the businesssavvy ‘muslims’ if you believe that Fulani herdsmen have been commissioned to wipe out the Middle Belt.
It is crisis like this that brings out the best in our women. I am waiting for one brave woman to launch her posters before she secures nomination (normal isn’t it?). When men have messed up the system, it is to women we turn for restoration. The bloodshed in CAR has led to the inauguration of Catherine Samba Panza.Now don’t snigger and shout ‘Allah sawake or it is not my portion’. Ask Liberia’s Ellen Johnson-Sirleafhow she rescued her nation from the claws of smoothtalking Charles the son of Taylor. Ask Joyce Banda after cardiac arrested BinguwaMutharika.
In Africa, when things get messed up, we call the soldiers. But even the army is overwhelmed. Didn’t someone wake up from their dream to say with finality that they have rescued most of the Chibok girls? I mean, they are in charge of the state of emergency. They have their guns poked at every corner and checkpoints at every turn. They have the planes andair forceand the unbeatable military intelligence. Where policemen failed to restore order, soldiers have instilled the fear of God. If you doubt it, check Kugbo bend since the blast in Nyanya (we are yet to be told whether it’s a bomb or a mine blaster).
So, the military chiefs would rather tell the reverse side of truth than lie. They dreamt that they rescued the girs and when they woke up, they believed their hallucination and issued a press statement. If the nosey BBC had not shown up the reversed truth would stand - at attention! We would’ve joinedthe ten million man march on Evil Square to the gallantry of our soldiers. Today we hear that the women of Chibokare getting ready to stormSambisa forest to rescue our daughters from hell on earth. It is rumoured that Boko Haram have sworn to unleash hell on the girls if they see boots on the ground. What are the men in government doing?Holding six-hour meetings, drinking tea and issuing threats. Give it to the women, they have more balls than men, they always had. If we cannot export our gallantry, at least, let’s borrow a wandering leaf.
South Sudan is the size of France, but that’s where the comparison ends. It is only three years oldas a nation and
has less paved roads than some local government
areas in Kano