Expensive marriages fester in Nigerian communities (II)
Community enacts bye law, pegs price at N277,000 Sociocultural implications, sacrifice rites big threat
In Nigeria, there are certain traditional rites and other conditions that the husband-to-be must fulfil before marriage can take place. Fulfilment of the requirements makes marriage expensive in some places, while it is cheap in other places where the requirements and conditions are mild. However, it is the culture and tradition of the land that shape the entire affairs. In continuation of the marriage series started last week on marriage practices in the North, Daily Trust on Sunday brings you the South-South version of the trends in this edition in the context of sociocultural implications.
In climes where marriage is expensive, men find it difficult to meet the high demands by the bride’s parents requirements. This causes delay in marriage, unwanted pregnancies and other vices.
In some cases, expensive marriages that joyfully but painfully took place after fulfilling all the expensive requirements, later turned to bitterness as the couple would begin to face financial predicaments.
In the South Easten part of the country, marriage is as expensive as gold.
From the introduction segment which is referred to as “knocking at the door” to the list of mandatory items that must be provided for the father and mother of the bride, the youths, the men and women in the family as well as the community before marriage is contracted, everything about the ‘deal’ is expensive.
In areas where marriage is expensive, tongues wag as to whether it is the father or mother of the girl that is getting married because they, too, have to be clothed and fed by their in-law to be, following the amount of expensive clothes and food items that are to be offered them before they agree to give out their daughter in marriage. These exclude other basic items and bride price that must be paid before the deal can be sealed.
Whether the practice is cultural or not, the bottom line is that men
are not only scared of wooing loved ones for marriage, people of ripe age suffer delay in getting married. Often times, relationships that would have ended up in marriage have been sacrificed on the altar of expensive marriage.
Expensive marital rites delay marriages in Rivers
Robert Sawyer hails from the East. After two years of relationship, he decided to marry his fiancée who hails from a community in Rivers State due to expensive marital rites. When he met the parents of the girl to declare his intention, he was given
two lists. After going through them, he was not only shocked, but also scared because from the list, he discovered that marriage is expensive there.
While sharing his experience with our correspondent, he said: “We have been in a relationship for two years and we love each other very well. So, I decided to cement the relationship by visiting her parents for the purpose of marriage. When I got there, the lists they gave to me were very embarrassing to my family that tongues began to wag. There were about 20 items for the mother, another 15 items for the father, 15 items for women, 10 items for men and another 15 items for the youths. That was aside the other list of items for introduction which they called “knocking at the door.” That includes 10 cartons of drinks, five cartons of malt, five cartons of soft drinks, biscuits and other items which I don’t want mention here,” he said.
He added: “The list for the mother includes three different types of Hollandaise wrapper, three different types of lace materials for the top, three pairs of shoes, hand bags, a bag of rice and N30,000.
For the father, I was asked to buy two suits, shoes, one walking stick, drinks and other things. The items for women, men and youths included bags of rice, tubers of yams, goats, bags of salt, provisions such as beverages, powder milk, soft drinks and other drinks. The bride price was N250,000. When I looked at the lists, I got angry. My family members blamed me for not taking a wife from my community where marriage is cheap.”
Sawyer had to bargain the lists with his in-laws to be who
later gave some concessions before the marriage took place.
Another young man, Temple Uwakwe who wanted to marry but got scared by the exorbitant price told Daily Trust on Sunday that he was still indecisive about tying the nuptial knot with his fiancee “because the cost of marriage in her community is not pocket friendly.”
“I have a fiancee I am madly in love with. But the cost of marriage in her community is not what an average income earner like me can afford. I have made inquiries and the signals I am getting about what it takes to marry in that community are very scary. I don’t know why they are exploiting people in the name of marriage,” he said.
Temple, however, said that he was in a dilemma as he did not want to lose her to another man because of his deep love for her.
Daily Trust on Sunday reports that Upata community in Ahoada East Local Government Area of Rivers State has enacted a bye law pegging the cost of marriage to N277,000.
A committee was also been set up by Igbu Upata Traditional Council to ensure strict compliance with the law.
The law, which was enacted in 2018 and fully in force has brought smiles on the faces of youths who are ripe for marriage. With it, parents are mandated to follow the adopted marriage list, which clearly spells out every dime that suitors are to spend on the traditional marriage rites.
Findings by our correspondent indicated that many families used to collect as much as two million naira from prospective son-inlaws before giving their daughters to them as wives. This led to unwanted pregnancies, moral decadence and youth restiveness in the community due to failure of marriage age youths to settle down with marriage.
But the situation, we also gathered, has changed because marriage cost has been made less expensive in Upata. With N30,000 bride price and a maximum of N177,000 to fulfill the list requirements, marriage is possible.
House for bride’s father, motorcycle for mother in-law
In Akwa Ibom State, marriage practices are the same among all the cultural groups. But there are little variations, depending on the families involved.
The dowry is made up of the bride price, clothes, shoes and other accompanying accessories for both the father and mother of the bride. Other items include tubers of yams, palm oil, a box of wrappers, clothes and other accessories for the bride.
The lists also include items such as a football, drinks, cash, one bag of salt, etc. for the youths, family, women and the community people. Sometimes, the content of the lists is determined by the level of education of the bride.
For the marriage ceremony proper, the husband to be is supposed to provide cash for
entertainment of guests, drinks.
Among the Annangs, one of the three main ethnic groups in the state, the mother of the girl was entitled to a bicycle. But currently, families ask for a motorcycle.
Among the Ibibios, especially in areas like Itam in Itu Local Government Area as well as Ibiono Ibom Local Government Area, the marriage ceremony for first daughters involves a sacrifice.
The items for sacrifice include ram and goat, yam, four litres of palm oil, which are all expected to be buried. Afterwards, another set of the items are provided by the groom which would be used for feasting.
Victor Umana said he ended his relationship with his fiancee when the young lady, a teacher, insisted that he must build a house for her father before she would agree to marry him.
Family head, parent, speak on sociocultural implications
Mr Tony Ita, a family head from Ibesikpo Asutan Local Government Area, who spoke on a social implication of expensive marriage, said that after the marriage, some husbands severe relationship with their in-laws. “A friend of mine, after marrying his wife at a very exorbitant cost vowed never to go to his in-laws’ house any more,” he said.
Mr Aniefiok Udonquak, a parent, who has given out a daughter in marriage, noted that one of the crucial essences of marriage was to promote cultural ties and enhance social and economic wellbeing. He lamented that expensive marriage, especially one that involves luxury things like building a house for the father of the bride, buying a motorcycle for the mother and other outrageous requirements had not only defeated the purpose but also discourage eligible men from getting married.
The insistence that the girl to be married must be a graduate as well as attachment of higher bride price for the graduate class is another serious factor that delays marriage among girls that are ripe for marriage.
Udonquak, an indigene of Onna Local Government Area, Akwa Ibom State, said that when he gave out his first daughter in marriage, the list was moderate and he only accepted what his sonin-law could afford.
“The list is compulsory. I didn’t stop the one meant for the youths, father and mother. I only collected what the young man could afford. I also spent money as the father of the bride. There is no gain in it,” he said.
A community leader in Etim
Ekpo Local Government Area, Mr Iniobong Ekponta, explained that pouring of libation is one of the rites involved in marriage ceremonies.
Though he said it was not compulsory, he stated that some persons had capitalized on it to wreak havoc on marriages, especially when they feel cheated in the sharing of the items collected during the marriage or in situations where the father of the bride shared from items in the marriage list of other persons but did not allow other persons to have a share from that of his daughters.
In Efik marriage, it’s multiple lists
Before now marriage in Efik, Efut and Abakpa in Cross River State used to be very easy and affordable.
Natives who spoke to Daily Trust on Sunday said there was a uniform dowry price and a single list for traditional items, which was the exact one approved by the king of the Efiks as well as the other two kings.
The single list approved by the Obong of Calabar was binding in those days but that is no more because different families now introduce their own lists.
Obong’s list used to contain mostly traditional items such as a number of native goats, kegs of palm wine, traditional nuts like kola, etc; and a sum of 10 shillings.
A grandmother, Madam Atim Edem, 67, said: “Today, the family of the woman would introduce a list containing an array of items including boxes of hollandars wrappers for the parents, dresses, other women’s wear, hand bags, bangles, etc; the father too would have his own list.”
“Extended families will demand that the suitors set a different table for them, pay for costs of looking after their daughters, etc.”
She said many families no longer accept the traditional dowry fixed by the Obong.
“The families seem to be at liberty to increase or reduce the dowry. But generally, marriage in Efikland is not too scary and our daughters are well trained to manage their husbands and their homes. That is why they are sought-after,” she added.
In Efikland, it is mandatory for both the groom and bridegroom to appear in Efik apparels during the traditional marriage celebration. The bride must wear Oyonyo, a long flowing dress, traditional hairdo, beads, long staff, etc; the groom likewise.
Maxwell Akpan, an Akwa Ibom indigene who recently married from an Efik family said: “The cost of marriage today is far higher, compared with what was obtainable in the days of our forefathers. It was relatively cheaper then. There were not many demands like social parties, receptions, wearing trending apparels but what can we do,” he said.
Marriage rites differ in Edo
Marriage rites in Edo State differ from one ethnic group to the other.
The marriage rites in Edo South Senatorial District is different from that of Edo North Senatorial District and Edo South Senatorial District.
Chief Omo-Osagie Utetenegiabi, the Obadolagbonyi of Benin, confirmed that marriage rites in the state differed from one ethnic group to the other.
He said in Benin, fixing of dowry was the prerogative of the oba. He added that in the olden days, it used to be £24 (approximately N14,000 as of today) but these days, families add bags of rice and beans which were not part of it.
“Traditionally, for a Benin family it is 40 tubers of yams, honey, salt, hand and leg of antelope, bags of rice and salt, depending on the family,” he said.
“Before the Oba Erediawa become an ancestor, it was pegged at N5,000 but because it was not pronounced, families still insist on the 24 kobo in place of 24 pounds,” he said.
Chief Omo-Osagie said the essence of the marriage rites was to be sure that the family was not marrying their daughter to a wife beater and lazy husband.
A resident, Mr John who got married recently said that he spent over N200,000 to get married. John who married his wife from Edo South Senatorial District said the items he was asked to bring included 25 tuber of yams, bags of onions, two bags of salt, 20 litres of red oil, Kola nut, two bottles of drinks and other miscellaneous items.
He said that getting married was no longer easy as the marriage list keeps increasing.
“We paid through the nose when our relatives went to marry in the eastern state of the country,” he said.
Ijaws make marriage affordable to encourage intended couples
The Ijaws, the dominant ethic group in Bayelsa State make payment of dowry and other marriage rites affordable to encourage the young adults to start family life.
Though the necessary traditional norms must strictly be followed, the expenses settled based on the capacity of the intending groom.
Daily Trust on Sunday gathered that the bride price is negotiable between the two families.
A prominent traditional ruler in Bayelsa State, the Ibenanaowei of Ekpetiama Kingdom, King Bubaraye Dakolo, said the Ijaw culture had made marriages affordable to young couples who want to spend their lives together.
“Payment of dowry in Ijaw land is compartmentalized. There is a certain amount for the father and a certain amount for the mother. We also have certain amounts for the girl, the community and others. But all these are captured in one list. There is a big dowry and the basic marriage,” he said.
A newly married groom, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the processes were affordable, but anybody that had enough money could spend generously during the marriage as it pleases him.