What do you like about your spouse?
Knowing what your spouse likes about you is a strong motivation for many who go on to uphold such expected or modify existing behavior to meet such standard in a bid to retain those admiration.
Ironically however, not many people know what their spouses like about them nor are willing to openly admit before the spouse what they also like about them for fear of being hurt.
In defending this stance, Mrs Hadiza said to our reporter: “Telling my spouse what I like about him is like exposing my weakness, and more often than not he may use it against me, so I prefer to keep these fantasies to myself as much as I can.”
Kemi Olanikpekun would however disagree with Hadiza, she said: “No matter how I try to keep these information to myself, my actions will betray me. I don’t stop myself from expressing what I feel about a person whether a spouse or not, I have a great flair for good and decent dressing and I would complement this on anyone even the president if given the opportunity.
“So for me, it is better I tell you, I will keep demanding until you adjust just as I will strive to fit into everything you desire of me so long as they are positives.”
This reporter visited relaxation parks to speak with couples on what they like about their spouses, where had more women willing to speak freely and openly about what they like about their spouses and these are the responses:
Mrs Amaka Eze speaking right before her husband said: “I like it when he appreciates what I do. I know it is hard for a man to express himself emotionally, but he finds his way around this stigma to let me know he loves and cherishes me. Once I feel special by my man I can give the world to him and he knows it and all his sins are forgiven, she busted into unending laughter with the hubby joining and jokingly asking, ‘honey what category of sins do you refer to plssss, hahahaha’
Mr Adewale Michael Said: “look I am a proper African man and I don’t like when a woman competes for attention with her spouse. I like to take charge, to be in control. Once a woman understand this line, I will never have any problem with her.”
When our reporter sought to know what ‘lines’ Adewale expects his spouse to keep, he said: “Bros you know what am talking about, you and I know what a woman should and should not do.”
Mrs Zulaihat, a teacher by profession in her testimonials said: “I am the luckiest woman in the universe. I married a fairly older man, at first I thought I would have challenges living with him but no, am loving every moment because he turned out another father to me.
“I like to be heard even if they seem trivial to you. Instead of telling me not to worry. He listens genuinely and allows me to exhaust myself, and when he speaks, he gently addresses my anxiety and makes me feel secured. Knowing who I am honestly, I can’t ask for a better man.”
The reporter also caught up with a marriage counselor, Mrs Zheus who had this to say generally about what women wants of their spouses: “Women are sensitive to other women. Watch how you talk about other women and praise them, even for things that seem compassionate like, ‘Wow she is so beautiful’ She wants to be the best in your eyes. The thought of you praising someone else when you may not praise her enough may make your wife feel that she is not satisfying your needs.
“Just make her feel special. Men may be able to go without many of these things, but to many women this is their oxygen. When you cherish her and make her feel important, she feels valued and appreciated as a wife. When she does not feel cherished, she may feel resentful or insecure about your relationship.”
After several tries, Mr Asemota agreed to share what he loves about his spouse: “I like her sense of self-worth. She sees me as champion and would sometimes infer that if I were present, certain misfortune would have been averted. Even when it is hard to sometimes meet my responsibilities as a husband, she does not make me feel like a failure, the only issue with her for me is that she puts me on the edge, I do everything not to ‘fall her hand’ (not to disappoint in local parlance).
Mr Tunde chose to share what he does not like about his spouse instead and had this to say: “I hate the fact that my wife never forgets. Each time something comes up, she will remind you of the several hundred times you have offended her and that is what puts me off, she makes it difficult for me to apologize. Sometime I ask myself, am I this evil? Is this what other men go through or it is just my wife?”
Dr. Meir Wikler, a psychotherapist and family counselor in private practice in his writing, ‘Learning How to Talk to Your Spouse” opined that, “A relationship can be compared to a bank account. If your deposits exceed your withdrawals, your account remains active. If your withdrawals exceed your deposits, your checks will bounce and your account will be closed.
“Unfortunately, people are much more experienced with negative feelings than they are with positive feelings. In school, we were criticized much more often than we were praised. At home, we were punished or reprimanded more often than we were rewarded. And as we were growing up, we had many more opportunities to witness the adults around us venting their fury and frustration than we had to witness them expressing affection and admiration.”
He stressed that as a result of this imbalanced exposure to negative feelings, most people had many more opportunities to learn how to express negative emotions than they did positive ones. So by the time they reach adulthood, they have a greater fluency in the language of negative feelings than they have in the language of positive feelings.
“It is not surprising, therefore, that when these adults marry they find it easier to tell their spouses what they do not like about them than what they do like. Consequently, an important lubricant in human relations is missing,” he added.
Our contributors therefore strongly agree that in order to succeed in marriage, both spouses must be able to freely express a wide range of positive feelings to each other.