Who should thank who between husband and wife?
The issue of who should thank who between a man and his wife remains contentious with each party feeling he deserves the gesture more than the other.
The man on his part would say since he is the bread winner, he deserves all the thanks, while the woman on the other side would argue that his own is shouldering responsibility while her work within the home are sometimes optional but she still does it as an obligation to please him and due to that she feels she deserves the husband’s appreciation.
The love for appreciation after doing a good thing can be said to be an innate nature of every human being. The society may sail better if this natural instinct is appreciated by all. The same is applicable in matrimonial homes. When couples appreciate each other, they fare very well but when the appreciation is one sided, there is bound to be problem.
Sometimes, men are blamed more for refusing to appreciate their wives and this might not be unconnected with the cultural norms and values of a given society.
A sociologist with the Department of Sociology, Bayero University Kano, Dr Kabir Bello said the reason why men in the northern part of the country, or specifically the Hausa/Fulani are finding it difficult to appreciate their wives is because of the patriarchal nature of the society.
The men have been made to believe that they are the head of the family, the bread winner so for that they owe nothing to their wives, “The culture made the men to be arrogant in their relationship with wives.”
Corroborating what the sociologist said, Engineer Bashir Adamu Aliyu an expert on family issues and the Director Hanan International School, Kano said in the Hausa/ Fulani culture children were not trained to appreciate their parents for shouldering their responsibilities, “Right from home a child is not taught to thank his parents so because of this, they grow up with it and even when they establish their own home, they run it the same way.”
Aliyu who is the Coordinator of A1 Family; an organization that is striving to set things right in matrimonial homes in Kano however noted that men’s silence does not mean they are oblivious of good things done by their wives. Their main problem is that they have their own way of appreciating women which is contrary to what the women want which is “They appreciate women by actions.”
Commenting in the same vein, Malam Abdullahi Muhammad, a civil servant said, “Even if I don’t thank her for the services she is offering verbally, sometimes I show my appreciation by doing something big that will prove to her that I was taking note of all that she was doing, it is just that I cannot tell her thank you.”
While men are culturally brainwashed to act ‘arrogantly’ towards their wives, the women on the other hand are by nature, the type that love being appreciated in words “What we want from our husbands is appreciation. If I prepare a sumptuous food and bring it to him, he should say ‘well- done dear, you have tried may God bless you’. That’s just what we want and it is better than giving us any material thing and this is what will motivate us to do more but men are finding it difficult to say this simple words,” said a female lecturer from Bayero University, Kano who prefers anonymity.
When a professor was killed and I went to interview his wife, one good behavior of her husband that she repeatedly told women that went to condole with her was, “For every service done to him, small or big, he would say May God bless you.”
As she was saying this, the comments that were coming from the women are, “Are there men like this today?” They were surprised that there was a man that is not just thanking his wife but is even praying for her to be blessed. Some of them while reflecting on this his spectacular behavior said it was borne out of foresight, saying if the woman is blessed, himself and the entire family would be the beneficiary of this blessing.
If this is the nature of man and woman, what is the best way to reconcile this disparity so that couples will live amicably with each feeling satisfied?
Engineer Aliyu said for the sake of mutual understanding, men should appreciate women in the language they understand; that is to tell her verbally that you appreciate what she is doing.
On her part, Hajiya Khadijah Aliyu, a court worker advised women to accept men the way they are so that peace would reign in matrimonial homes. She said as a woman, she should be the thankful type, “Even if it is your right, you should thank your spouse for giving you these rights because there are many women that are not getting these rights from their own husbands. By thanking him, you are motivating him to do more for you,” she said.
She further advised women to take men the way they are so that they could reduce their pains, “Since men are by nature arrogant, women should take them for what they are and stop disturbing themselves.
“They should appreciate his way of appreciation and not be obsessed with getting his verbal appreciation.”
According to her the issue of man thanking his wife for performing her duties is very simple, “I don’t see a problem here, in a tactful and joking manner, I can easily make him thank me for serving him. For example, after serving him a nice dish, I will jokingly cajole him to thank me and he will do that without feeling anything. I will keep changing my styles of persuading him to appreciate me in words till it becomes normal with him to do that.”
She added that in an instance where the husband is the unyielding type, the wife should accept him the way he is and stops disturbing herself and bear in mind that whatever a person does, the reward comes to him unfailingly and it comes in many ways.