HOME FRONT Why men shy away from responsibilities

Iwas waiting for an event to start when I heard some men chatting behind me with one of them saying that his prayer was that he gets a ‘big Hajiya’ that would marry him and cater for him.

His words, “In the morning sumptuous breakfast will be prepared for me and I will not be compelled to go out to source for any means of taking care of her.”

Unfortunately, this has become the train of thought of most men nowadays. They would rather prefer go for a wealthy matron or the daughter of a rich person. With either of the two, they are sure of some material gains. It has even become trendy now to hear men congratulating a friend that went into such marriage which is commonly referred to as marriage for capital (auren jari) in Hausa.

The concern now is that if men that are naturally the leaders and bread winners of their families would prefer to transfer their responsibilities and status to women, while they sit at home and are taken care of by their wives, what would be the fate of the society in the near future.

A cross section of men and women interviewed on this issue expressed their views with some identifying the causes and others proffering solutions.

Hajiya Khadijah Aliyu, aged 62, who spoke to Home Front said one of the reasons some men are shirking their responsibility is their craving for material wealth.

She said some men now want to amass wealth without working for it.

“We have heard of instances where men would marry rich women only to poison them so that they would inherit the property they possessed,” she said.

Another opined that, “Some men are easily influenced by bad friends. If by chance a man got married to a woman whose father is rich and from that marriage his position is elevated, his friends will start to envy him and wish they could also get such luck,” said Abdul Abdul, who is 52 years old.

Dr Muhammad Amin Umar, an Islamic scholar who spoke on the issue said that elitism could be one factor responsible for promoting such mindset among today’s men.

“Some women elite who hate polygamy are promoting this kind of marriage where they would marry the man, forfeit all their rights and decide to cater for all his needs. Their thinking is that through this means, they would control these men and prevent them from marrying another wife.”

Hajiya Fatima Adamu, a secondary school teacher said western civilization is a major factor that influences young men. She said due to western education, now women could compete with men in their offices, adding that, “Some women earn higher salary than their husbands, as a result of this, you find the women providing for the house without waiting for the husbands to do so and along the line, some of the men take advantage of that and relax.

“From there their hearts become hardened and they no longer see their responsibility as obligatory and are no longer ashamed to wait for the women to provide,” she said.

She said in the past men depended largely on farming to earn their living, and that such disposition was less then.

“Because farming is a matter of hand work, the women could not compete with the men, and in most cases, Muslim women were not allowed to even go to the farm. The husband knew that it was his sole responsibility to provide for the family.

“He could not have ever expected any woman to shoulder that responsibility, thus the men lived up to their responsibilities and earned the respect of their wives and children,” she said.

Alhaji Abba Isa Salauddeen, a business man while commenting on the issue said it was only men with “lowly background that would put themselves to this disgrace.”

“No man of respectable background would wait for a woman to cater for him. By God, I will never marry a woman that will take care of my financial needs,” he said.

Proffering possible solutions to the problem, Hajiya Khadijah Aliyu said parents and religious leaders have a role to play. “Parents should start their work right from the time a boy comes of age. They should make him act as a man. They should not allow him to be lazy or get used to collecting things from his sisters. He should be schooled in the history of responsible men and be made to see the practical example from his father, who is hopefully striving hard to provide for his family.

“As he matures, he should be assigned some simple responsibilities, engage in activities that are enterprising so that through such earnings, he would contribute to the upkeep of the home, like providing the sachet water that is taken in the house.

“He should be encouraged to provide little things according to his earnings for the house. If he is groomed in this manner, shouldering responsibility will not be a problem for him when he gets married.

“It is not wise for parents to provide everything for their male children especially when they are matured because doing so will stifle their manliness and make them lazy, which in turn will translate to making them husbands without responsibility.”

According to her, there is also the need for male parents to advise their male children before, during and after their marriage on the importance of shouldering their matrimonial responsibilities.

“Unlike what is more common, that is taking a bride round the elders in the family to advise her on how to obey and respect her husband, the advice should be wholly for the couples.

“The groom should also be taken round his uncles and elders to advise him on how to run his home. He should be told that a man will only earn his wife’s respect when he takes good care of her,” Khadijah said.

On the role of the clerics, she said they should always remind men that catering for their wives is a religious injunction.

“They should tell them that if a man takes good care of his wife, he gets multiple blessing, first, he will be rewarded by God and secondly, he will earn his wife’s respect and obedience and thirdly, his wealth will multiply, among others, she said.”

She added, “And they should also tell the men that whoever refused to shoulder his responsibility will earn God’s wrath, he will not be respected by his wife and his wealth will not be blessed because by denying her her right, he is unjust and oppressive. This admonishment should be constant in their sermons and preaching.”

From there their hearts become hardened and they no longer see their responsibility as obligatory and are no longer ashamed to wait for the women to provide