When Your Spouse Is A Sympathy Seeker
IN marriage, it is good for a wife to study her husband, so that she will have enough knowledge of how to live with him. It is also good for a husband to study his wife, so that he will know how to live with her. The most important thing newly engaged should do is to positively study themselves, so that they will know how to build a good relationship with each other.
Mind you, I used the word ‘positively study’ yourselves and not negatively study yourselves. Negatively studying your partner will make you keep seeing faults and weaknesses, which you cannot use to build a good relationship. But when you positively study your partner, your attention will be fo- cused on how to live with the weaknesses and helping your partner overcome those weaknesses.
This was exactly what a man did some years ago. When he got engaged to his lady, he discovered that she is a sympathy seeker. She so much enjoyed it when people tell her ‘sorry,’ even if the tiniest drop of water drops on her shoe or a corner of her dress that is not easily noticed. But rather than calling off the relationship like some other men would have done, the man went ahead to wed her. He was, however, determined to lovingly and powerfully change her, because he saw that apart from this emotional weakness of hers, she would make a very good wife in almost every other area. Sometime after their wedding, the woman came up with some sympathy seeking tears. She was shocked when her husband told her that he was not going to sympathise with her. He told her that he was not going to tell her ‘sorry’ over an issue which ordinarily the word ‘sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry’ was the only medicine that could heal her very fragile emotions. From that day, the man said ‘sorry’ and sympathised when it was actually needed. But he deliberately hardened his heart and wouldn’t tell her ‘sorry,’ when he felt she was out to resurrect one of her sympathy seeking techniques. Thank God that she got the message and began to grudgingly adjust. She was used to having her way through sympathy and tears. Some people live this way. Sympathy seeking does not help any relationship grow.
When your spouse, beloved children or friend uses his/her tears or sympathy or pity party to try to make you meet his or her demand, lovingly but firmly tell the person that you love him or her, but would never grant such a request.
A woman threatened to move out, but her hitherto soft husband, whom we had counselled, stood his ground lovingly (but not beggingly) and the woman was surprised and started respecting her husband.
When you notice traits of this sort, do not allow your
a powerful visitation in the dream, yet you fail to perceive it. That was what happened to Jacob at Bethel. He could not fully recall all that had occurred in that visitation. “Lo, he goeth by me, and I see him not, he passeth on also, but I perceive him not.” Job 9:11. What a tragedy to have God visits you, yet you awake as one that has never had such an awesome encounter. Sometimes, God gives us dreams with clear and definite instructions that we need to carry out, but we disobey. We do nothing about it. When God sees that you are not quick to obey Him, He withdraws your ability.
Sin, flesh, carnality and compromise can cut us off from hearing God’s voice. Herod entered into an incestral relationship by marrying his brother’s wife, Herodias (Matthew 14). Herodias was highly annoyed that John the Baptist should dare speak out and rebuke them. John was the voice crying out, Repent!! Repent! A day came Herod was half drunk and ordered for dancers to perform on his birthday. Herodias’ daughter danced so well and mesmerised him that he offered her anything to the half of his kingdom. Her mother being present by the King’s side gave a signal for the daughter to meet her outside. Once outside, the mother told the daughter to request for the head of John. Once the head is off, the voice of conviction will be silenced. Herod removed John’s head. There was no more voice of conviction. Then, in Luke 23: 8 & 9, Herod had opportunity to meet with Jesus. “Then he questioned him with many words, BUT HE ANSWERED HIM NOTHING”. When the voice of your conscience and the voice of conviction have been killed through sin and compromise, your ability to hear God speak will be silenced forever.
How Do We Remedy This?
“Sanctify a fast…and I will restore to you…and it shall come to pass afterward…your old men shall dream dreams, your young men shall see visions…and also upon the servants and the handmaids.” Joel 2:15, 25, 28, 29.
Fasting and prayer is required for one to have perception of one’s dreams. happiness to depend on that person’s happiness. Some people will wear an unhappy look, just because their demands were not met. Let them know that you genuinely love them, but you will not join them on their sympathy seeking journeys.
The greatest help you can render yourself is to make a choice to be happy in spite of your problems, and not for people to feel sorry for you in order to meet your needs. It is manipulation of people’s feelings. It does not make you grow emotionally. Do you have a spouse that acts this way? Show them how much you love them, but lovingly teach them to be responsible emotionally.
We should not be like an emotionally lazy king Saul, who said in first Samuel 22:8 ‘there is none of you that is sorry for me’. Love you.
“For since the beginning of the world men have not heard, nor perceived by the ear, neither hath the eye seen, O God, beside thee, what he hath prepared FOR HIM THAT WAITETH FOR HIM.” Isaiah 64:4. Let me remind you, waiting on the Lord is the art of coming before the Lord in quietness and stillness of spirit, so that you might hear His voice speak to you. By the time you actually discipline yourself to be doing this regularly, wherever you were disconnected in your dream life from God, you will be reconnected.
So the ability to see, hear and perceive is a quality apportioned to a select people that WAIT on Him. The counterpart New Testament reference sheds more light still. “But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love Him.” 1 Corinthians 2:9. Whereas the Old Testament refers us to wait upon Him, the New Testament refers us to love Him. Perception is reserved for a class of people that loves God. When you love a person, you remain intimate with them. You spend more time with them. You do everything to please and satisfy them.
The next verse goes on to reveal another truth. “But God hath revealed them unto us BY THE SPIRIT.” 1 Corinthians 2:9,10. We must be in the Spirit to hear and receive from the Spirit. “I was in the Spirit on the Lord’s Day, and heard behind me a great voice…” Revelation 1:10.