What Kind Of A Man Is He?

IMET my husband eight years ago on an online Christian dating service. We lived in separate states, but chatted daily and on the phone for several months. We visited back and forth for six months, before he asked me to move to his state and we would get married ( he had custody issues from his previous marriage).

I was absolutely thrilled. It was my first marriage and his second. We were so much in love. I quit my job, sold my home and me and my son, ( who was eight years old at the time and has a physical handicap), moved.

We were supposed to be formally engaged before I moved, but he told me it would be more “meaningful” after I moved to his state. I felt kind of funny about this, but had already sold my condo and gave my notice to my employer. We were not going to live together, so I had come out the month before my move and got an apartment rented that was accessible for my son.

Within two days of arrival, I found that he was dating another woman ( he claimed they were just “friends,” but I saw evidence that it was not) he had posted a personal ad in a newspaper and he had a long- distant relationship with another woman he worked with at the time. By the looks of those emails, they were ver y sexual in nature, which made me believe he also had a relationship with this woman as well.

I was utterly devastated and deeply ashamed that I had been so wrong and felt so betrayed. I confronted him with all evidence and he broke down and beg ged me not to leave, that he would go to counselling, we would go to counselling and that he did these things because he was scared I would leave him ( didn’t make sense at the time to me).

I decided to stay in his state and got a great consulting job and settled in. After a while, he and I went to counselling, but I couldn’t bring myself to trust him completely. I had my guard up and there was a very valid reason.

As if the first betrayal wasn’t bad enough, I soon found out that not only had he been married and divorced before, but he also had a first wife and second adult daughters.

I also found out that his second marriage ( the only one I knew about) ended because he had an affair with a stripper he met in a club when his wife was four months pregnant.

He had told me he had an “emotional” relationship with a woman he met at the health club and that was why his second wife divorced him... More lies, more deceit and really icky ones. Over the next three and half years, he and I would go in and out of relationship. He would beg his way back into my life, I would believe him until I would find him cheating again, two more times.

The last time we got together he and I decided to just be friends, I made the mistake of agreeing to this. He is very charming and funny, adventurous and generous. He has many wonderful qualities, but some very ugly character defects as well.

I was very confused because I still had feelings for my now husband. It was the holidays and he and I agreed to have a holiday drink ( big mistake) and we ended up spending the night together.

I got pregnant and he and I decided it was fate pulling us back together and we rushed to get married. We were so thrilled about being pregnant and somewhere inside of me, I wanted to believe that it finally worked out with him.

We still had this trust issue and sure enough, I started suspecting he was messing around ( he travels and there were a few times he was unavailable at 2a. m. where he was), but I never had any solid proof and he continued telling me he was being faithful; that he would never cheat on me again, that he learned his lesson, he loved me and wouldn’t mess up our shot at marriage.

Our daughter was four months old when I found out that he had joined a phone dating service and had gone out on a date with another woman. I called this woman and she confirmed that they had only met and she told me nothing happened. I was beyond angry and hurt. I asked him to leave and he told me it was his house and he wasn’t going anywhere. I had sold my home when we got married and this makes it two homes I had sold for him.

I went on anti- depressants immediately and went back to work full- time, even though I had planned on working only part- time with the new baby. He did go to counseling, but I didn’t care; I was so deeply betrayed and the history of all his past betrayals just overwhelmed me even more.

Since he wouldn’t leave the house to give me some space, I bought a house in my own name and moved into it with my son and our daughter lives with me half time. He has remained in counseling for about two years.

I went ahead and filed for divorce and I have slowly let the divorce progress. He has been very helpful with the new house and supportive, even though he did not want me to move out. H e had also started taking anti- depressant and anti- anxiety meds, which I did see as a big improvement in his moods.

Even though I filed for divorce and he knew that I had done so, I hadn’t had the papers filed with the court yet. He and I agreed that we would discuss counseling and discuss what it would look like for him to re- earn trust.

He was willing to take responsibility for why I didn’t trust him and be committed to doing whatever it took to reconcile. He and I talked daily because of our daughter and on occasions, we would do things together. I did enjoy being together with him, his daughter, my son and our daughter together. When not immersed in the effects of unfaithfulness, we did have a fun and enjoyable family life. So, it hasn’t been all bad.

What kind of man is he? What makes him lie? What makes him not care about the consequences of his games on women, especially his children and I? What kind of role model is he going to be with our daughter? How could I be so stupid to spend eight years with him and marry him and have a child with him?

- Truth

Advice: Dear readers, mail your comments, reactions or true love stories, quiz or personal experience you wish to share to this email: simonclar@ yahoo. com.

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