MARRIAGE!
a fairytale, or a fearsome tale?
One could be forgiven if they posit the latter, going by what obtains in many a relationship today. Separations, breakups, divorce, and of course, something it seems that has become the rule rather than the exception… infidelity.
Iwant to express how it (infidelity) makes a woman feel…You feel betrayed, bewildered, humiliated, and abandoned. You feel as if someone has plunged a jagged knife deep into your heart, turned it round and around as many times as is physically possible, without actually killing you dead, and then pulls it out... ripping out bits of your heart as it exits.
There is no physical knife, and yet surprisingly, the pain you feel is physical, palpable, and excruciating in it’s increasing intensity. Everything you thought was true about your life, now seems to be a lie, is now seen through the prism of this ‘thing’ that has happened. (excerpt from my new book, ‘How To Get your Wife To Swing From The Chandelier In A Red Negligée’) deep right? I know. I can only speak from the point of view of a woman, and can only wonder whether men feel the same way when the shoe is on the other foot. ladies what do you think? It might be helpful to know.
It is so important that we get marriage right, that we learn how to forge strong bonds as couples, maybe this would help to curb this endemic pandemic. If not for those already in it, at least to the end that we teach singles (mature and young I might add), our growing children, and all who care to listen, that there are red flags to look out for before you get married, and there are skills required for marriage. for both men and women, these skills must be acquired if one stands any chance at all of making, and keeping to the lifelong commitment, sans infidelity and other negative traits, that marriage entails. To be honest, in our environment there are many advantages that come to us as women, but in a lot of other instances, we do seem to get the short end of the stick.
Monogamy is alien to many of our cultures, true, also to some of our faiths. It is worthy of note though, that where polygamy is the accepted norm, there are still rules of engagement. It is particularly painful, and I daresay outrightly unfair, if you choose the law you wish to be governed by at the beginning of your relationship, whether by inference, or by actual discussions, only to find these rules of engagement changed mid game. Since we never really hear of women being polygamous, at least not‘officially’I will put the next few sentences in a language I like to term ‘Manspeak’. I wonder how men would feel if in the middle of a football match between your favourite team and your arch rivals, the referee suddenly decides that one team can bring on three more players in the 80th minute and you just have to like it, or lump it? Worse still, everyone you speak to about it for advice, solace, or shall we say justice… expecting the referee to be reprimanded, or penalties given, or at the very least remind him of the rules of the game that both parties signed up for; that person tells you instead that, these things happen, don’t make such a fuss, just get on with the game, it’s alright, it’s happened before, and it’s likely it will happen again in the future. As if this makes it right. What if for the sake of peace, you agree to this, but then it costs your team the Premier league, and then to cap it all your team loses their game spirit and enthusiasm, therefore loses subsequent match after match, then gets relegated. How would you feel then? Marriage is bigger than what we see. What YOu, (both men and women) choose to do in your relationship impacts everyone. for the man, you can lose focus, it’s very difficult to hit a moving target. for the woman, stories of mental breakdowns from the stress, pain, and humiliation caused by the indiscretions of their husbands abound. for the children, a tendency to view relationships through the prism of the failure of their parents in that respect, affecting their relationships in the future.
Something has gone very wrong and I would like to put it to you that we are all culpable. Maybe we all need to stop, and take a re-look at what can give relationships the best possible chance of thriving. This is something I have explored in my book, ‘How To Get your Wife To Swing From The Chandelier In A Red Negligée’ which will be available for purchase from february 5th, 2017.
Women, we need to stand for, and by each other. Are you a woman who has been shattered by the pain caused by infidelity? I want to tell you that you can, and will make it. There will be very dark days when you sink down into depths of despair you never imagined possible, and other days when you feel you’ve risen above it all, and are very strong. just continue to remember that strength, courage, and character are birthed in and through adversity. Stand tall through it all.
Are you a man who seeks to understand your woman better? do you have a story you want to share that others can learn from? do you want to hear a bit more about my thoughts on marriage in general, and this topic in particular? Please write in.
Amaka Chika-Mbonu has been married for 23 years and has two young adult children. She is passionate about communicating to women, and men the need to get marriage right. She is currently the Managing Editor of her online magazine temptTations.com and has recently written a book, ‘How To Get Your Wife To Swing From The Chandelier In A Red Negligée’ about relationships. It gives men insight into the mind of a woman, and women a voice to speak her heart to her man. amaka@amakachika-mbonu.com Instagram amakachikambonu Twitter @amakachikambonu Facebook Amaka Chika-Mbonu Website amakachika-mbonu.com