IBIDUN IGHODALO

BE INSPIRED

The dream of every woman, or at least most women, is to get married to a man who would love them and treat her like a queen. A man who would put her first before anything because her happiness is his ultimate pleasure.

Some women have achieved this dream. And naturally, the next step is for their union and be blessed with fruits of the womb. For some too, this has come to pass. But there are those who have faced challenges and social stigmatization after waiting for years for this much desired gift but are unable to. Many of such women have gone through untold pain and sorrow on this very tough lane. After many failed attempts with IVF, they become despondent and suffer in silence while putting on a brave face to the world. Thankfully, there is an alternative route to such situation and those who have chosen to go that path cannot describe the insurmountable joy such a step has brought into their lives. Many mothers like Ibidun Ighodalo are now living their dream because they decided to adopt and are now very proud parents of their two precious gifts from God...a boy and a girl! They defied the impossible and made it possible. After a decade of childlessness, Ibidun’s life has completely changed. She also runs the Ibidun Ighodalo Foundation, built to financially assist women with IVF. There have been several success stories from the recipients. Ibidun is a living testimony that if you want something bad enough, God will always make a way.

Motherhood or parenting is one big cycle of sacrifice. Before they came along, I could go wherever, do whatever as myself and my husband had a routine and rhythm. But now, before I make any decision to travel for work or go anywhere, they are my first consideration. I have also lost my sleep (laughter) having to deal with my toddler at night.

Tell us a few of the many special moments you have shared with your children so far?

The most joyous thing about motherhood is watching the kids grow in different and distinct personalities and the feeling I get when I come home and they run to welcome and hug me.The way they trust you and know they are untouchable coupled with the fact that I didn’t know my capacity for love could get even deeper. The sound of ‘Mama’ is such a powerful one from them.

How different has your life been before and after the arrival of your precious jewels, Keke, your daughter and your son, Zenan?

Motherhood or parenting is one big cycle of sacrifice. Before they came along I could go wherever, do whatever as myself and my husband had a routine and rhythm. But now before I make any decision to travel for work or go anywhere they are my first consideration and I do it with absolute joy. I have also lost my sleep (laughter) having to deal with my toddler at night but l am absolutely enjoying every bit of it. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Do you find yourself wondering what took you so long before taking this plunge? And if so, why did it take you this long?

It’s a yes and no question. I do wonder what took us so long to take the plunge but I also do know that we were not ready at that time. We took the plunge when we were absolutely ready and looking back now, it was the time God had ordained. He planned it that way and wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Did you initially try other options in seeking the fruit of the womb before finally coming to this decision to adopt?

Oh yes I did, I tried IVF 11 times with one success which I eventually lost. Of course people who wanted to help also tried to make me go through other routes but I couldn’t bring myself to do so. I held on to God and I absolutely have no regrets.

Aside from that, some people are not psychologically ready to adopt. Their fear of the unknown seems to hold them back. Why is this?

I think our society and culture play a huge role in making these parents feel this way. There is a stigma attached to adoption. You hear so many funny statements even after adoption like “I pray that you will still carry your own child in your womb” etc. Such statements are highly insensitive and this makes even the bold ones who want to adopt shy away from doing so. The truth is God has given me my babies in the most beautiful way only He can and it doesn’t change anything at all. No one wants to be reminded of their seeming incapacities but to them (society), it’s an innocent prayer so you take it in good faith but what they don’t realize is God had made me a mother in the most beautiful way.

Some say God directs you when you make this choice and that when you see your ‘chosen one’ you will just know. Is that true? Is that how you felt when you first set eyes on your children?

I do believe God directs in making this decision. On both occasions it was even other people who had called my attention to my babies but upon seeing them, I knew it was destined and only God could have orchestrated it so. My daughter was actually born on my birthday into our orphanage by my husband and he gave her my middle name even all those years back. Sometimes when you do good you never know when that good will come back to you. You reap what you sow. We were only meant to love and look after every child but see how God turned it all around.

There is a pertinent question in our minds, some parents feel the adopted children do not need to know they are adopted while others feel when the time is right, they will tell their children. They feel they owe it to their children to tell them so no one can shock them with such information in case it is mentioned outside their homes. What is your take on this?

It is a difficult one but truth is always best. Just be open and honest.Once you tell a lie you have to keep covering up with lies and that will cause more damage than good. This is the reason why a lot of women pretend to be pregnant, wear moon bump and carry a baby (not theirs, bought or taken) and at the end of nine months, they ‘give birth’ because they would rather keep the truth away from society. It seems easier to let everyone think it’s real. But in the long run it doesn’t come out right. God cannot be mocked. He sees and knows the truth. My mum always said something to me, no matter how long a lie lives for one day, the truth will always come out. I think it’s best to let them know but at the appropriate time. We live in a funny world and it could be used as a means to hurt them at some point in their lives. The best way to avoid them feeling bad or funny is to let them know how they came about and that no matter what, they are my kids for life. With so much love between us, they themselves will argue with you and not believe it.

Now with two children to take care of, how have you been able to balance your heavy work schedule?

I cannot say it’s been easy but I have had to try to restructure myself so that I’m there when they get back from school and at the weekends to bond with them and just be around them.

You created a Foundation concerning couples. What is it’s purpose?

Ibidunni Ighodalo Foundation was birthed in July of 2015. I had been married for nine and a half years at the time and still waiting on the Lord for the fruit of the womb. In the past years, I had tried IVF a number times and it hadn’t worked for me and many times it left me feeling low, sad and unfulfilled. However, one day I said to myself, I will not be down again on this issue. God will do it when and how He wants to. But in that moment, I gave thanks to God for two things, giving me a supportive, amazing, loving husband, my twin and Voltron, my brother in-law, Asue Ighodalo, my sisters and my brothers who through it all, stood by me and the ability to even have IVF done. I thought

Well I had my fair share of stigmatization from society but honestly, my husband has been a massive pillar of support and in him, I was able to find and draw strength, I couldn’t have gone through this journey without him. He was a constant reminder that God had not forgotten me. Ever so patient, so reassuring, so loving and kind.

to myself, there are so many couples out there who cannot afford to go for tests not to talk of getting the IVF procedure done. There and then, I decided that with God’s help, I will try to help as many couples as I can who are in this fertility journey and pray that God will put smiles on their faces. It is also a vehicle to raise awareness of the discrimination that comes with infertility from friends, family and the society at large. A place you can hold each other’s hands and be strong together, pray together and share their joys and pains. The journey is easier when you know you are not alone.

Is the stigmatization of couples unable to have children one of the most challenging effects of their situation?

It has a serious effect on them physically, emotionally, mentally, financially and really in all areas. They are almost unable to do anything or celebrate any other achievement because society has told them no matter what they do, without kids, they are unsuccessful, it really affects marriages. It brings all sorts of advices and comments and suggestions which sometimes causes more harm than good leaving them bitter, full of regrets and pain.

Did you personally go through some of such experiences and if so, what gave you solace and comfort at such trying times?

Well I did from society but honestly my husband has been a massive pillar of support and in him I was able to find and draw strength, I couldn’t have gone through this journey without him. He was a constant reminder that God had not forgotten me. Ever so patient, so reassuring, so loving and kind. My brother in-law, Asue Ighodalo also showed me support and cheered me on and just loved me without reservations no matter what anyone said or did. My other brother in-law, Ernest Oji also never ceased to hold Ituah’s hand anytime I was down, quietly yet strong. I am blessed with amazing siblings and in-laws .The comfort I got knowing I had this amazing support system was priceless. You know I have many mums and aunties who call me randomly to check up on me, they never know how much those moments meant. Not everyone is as lucky which is why I would ask the society (people and family members), to be kind to couples looking for the fruit of the womb. No one wishes to be in that position. No one. Please be kind to them. A nice comforting reassuring word will go a long way.

There are some women who would happily adopt...if their partners will accept. But some husbands refuse to budge. After maybe several failed trials of IVF, women see adoption as their next option. What do you advise such couples when faced with this dilemma?

My candid advice to such women is the child must come into a loving and peaceful home. Your husband must be 100% on board for this to happen. Try to understand how he feels and coming to that decision is a hard one for him. But give it time and pray. God will do what only He can do. You would be doing that child a lot of disservice if your husband isn’t 100% on board.

How have you been able to raise funds to support your Foundation?

Funding was, and still is, one major challenge but somehow God has sent angels every step of the way to help us and lift our hands because we have more couples than we have finances. We had an anonymous couple who paid for treatment of 20 couples but we had 4100 applications. It is a major challenge. Apart from my husband and I’s personal finance, we get donations from friends and family and people I have never met who want to be part of the testimony. When God gives a vision he makes provision. We take it a day at a time by His grace and we help as many couples as we can.

For those who want to adopt, what is the process from beginning to end and how long does the procedure take?

Funny enough the procedure takes about nine months to a year.

We have heard of instances where child and parent don’t connect. What advice would you give couples facing such dilemma?

One of the stages in adoption is to actually go to the orphanages where you have seen a child and begin bonding with the child(ren). It is at this stage connections are formed and bonds developed. It is important the process is followed through. This period helps you to decide and see much clearer. Some older kids might be a bit difficult but give it time and give the child time to warm up.

The joy of motherhood apparently knows no bounds. And for those women who want it, they should not be deprived because there are now so many options that enables every woman to have a child if she so desires. That said, what other alternatives are there for those who though childless, will like to play some role in assisting with the welfare of children in motherless homes?

Most orphanages are open to people sponsoring the kids within their homes. It really is a win-win situation. The child’s needs gets taken care of by the foster parents and they in turn, have a sense of fulfilment, pride, purpose and joy in doing so. God never forgets the care you show these little ones. They are helpless and can never do anything in return to say thank you. They are God’s heartbeat.

One of your photos with your daughter was so profound because she is a mini-you. The resemblance is so striking! Is this just a coincidence?

This is why I said God was at work. Honestly the resemblance between myself and her, my son and his father, is just uncanny. It’s almost unbelievable but when God is involved, nothing is really impossible.

How did your daughter feel when she saw her little brother? Like most older siblings used to being the center of attention, was there a bit of jealousy with the baby to begin with?

She was excited to have a baby brother but as expected, she didn’t have all the attention anymore so there was this jealousy which my husband and I had to handle when we noticed. We make sure both children are equally loved so there is no animosity. Now they are inseparable as she can’t wait to get back from school to see him as he cries when she is off to school.

You seem to now have a picture perfect union that is blessed with two healthy children. Might you want to add more in future?

I do to the glory of God but I would not minding a few more… (If God wills and my husband agrees... laughter). I personally will not even think about it twice! It has been one of the best decisions of my life.