Fairy-tales and Reality

When it comes to love and relationships, women are usually perceived as indecisive, proud, selfish, and what have you. We are always at the receiving end of the brunt. Each time we mention the qualities we desire of our dream man, we are often met with scoffs and snorts coupled with the occasional jest “Keep dreaming”.

Everyone seemingly points accusing fingers at us. If it’s not society heaping expectations on us with a biological time bomb on our necks, it’s our family, and more than often the opposite sex making fun of us. Like my colleague did the other day during a lunch at Wheatbaker Hotel, Ikoyi, Lagos.

Our host, Adeoye Omotayo of R&B PR Company, had just commended my last piece, when this topic took centre stage. This colleague of mine posited that women live a life of fairytales. According to him, a woman is always looking for a knight in shining armour during the day and a lover at night. He argued that we are always so caught up in our world of fairytales that we are blinded to the reality.

The way he carried on about how realistic a man is in matters of the heart makes me wonder if they are immune to the fairytale world.

Every woman has a fairytale world. If you are like me who grew up watching frogs turn to princes in Frog Prince, or intrigued by the softened heart of a callous beast who miraculously turned to a charming prince in Beauty and the Beast, or perhaps enslaved to a man who comes short of your dreams only to be swept away by the looks of a stranger in Pocahontas, then you will understand why sometimes women want their man to be like John Smith.

It’s not our fault. That is the stereotyped way we have been brought up. To always find a heroic charming prince. That label alone covers three important needs of a woman: good looks, strength and wealth.

In reality, having this combination is an arduous task. Sometimes you find the man with the good looks and then he is flat broke. Other times, you are lucky to find the wealthy ones but no looks to take to the beauty bank. He may even lack the heroic character you need.

Heroism could be relative in some instances. In this context, it is all encompassing-strength, courteous, purpose-driven, etc.

Perhaps, you were not regaled with stories of frogs and princesses but local brave warriors and orphaned or poor girls, the storyline is invariably the same. Women are meant to believe in fairy-tales either from the media, the society or immediate family.

So much emphasis have been placed on the looks and wealth of a man that people hardly notice that these are not the only things on a woman’s dream man list. Even in some of the fairy-tales, the ideal prince was sometimes an ogre or frog.

As much as fairy-tales have been argued as a warped interpretation of reality, its definition of a charming prince is beyond the looks. Their sweethearts are often times more captivated by their character.

Sadly, we tend to concentrate on the superficial part of the story. This is compounded by telenovellas and love stories. The lead actor is always drop-dead gorgeous. There is always great emphasis on the looks by the men. They seethe and fume when we drool over these men and accuse us of daydreaming.

However, the males on the other hand who appeared to be realistic suffer the same fate but are too proud to admit. My colleague, who is bent on the notion that men are more decisive than women, provided a typical example to illustrate this point.

When I asked him if a man knows what he wants. Confidently, he replied “Yes! A man knows he wants to marry a girl, raise a family with her and work hard to provide for his family.”

Interesting I thought. Some of the men in the gathering were already nodding their head in agreement. For a moment, I abandoned my palatable plate of Mexican fried rice and vegetable salad to listen with rapt attention.

This seemed to give the speaker more courage as he carried on how a man toiled day and night to sacrifice all for the woman he loves. If not for his profession, he would have succeeded in convincing the men that they knew what they want because they go for the women they want, until I asked him then why did they still cheat if they do?

Being the hauteur, he replied that a man is wired to have more than one woman in his life At this statement, his followers divided. Some argued that there were faithful lovers among themselves while others believe in the gospel of the Holy Book that once you looked at a woman lustfully, you are as guilty as the one who sleeps with her.

I was surprised at the new development because the way he argued, one would believe that men don’t even fantasize at all.

My colleague is one out of thousands of men who believe that they are immune to fairytales. If he knew what he wants, why would he fantasize about being with another woman? Why would he prefer the slim voluptuous secretary to his buxom wife at home? Why would he imagine Beyonce while making love to his fat ugly woman? Why would he think his lazy wife was as successful as his boss or even his friend’s wife?

Fairy-tales label men as heroic, understanding and good-looking, and sometimes they tend to be that. But the main fairy-tales of men is often triggered by a lustful desire and selfishness. Every man wants to be a woman’s hero. At the same time, he wants to be the sweetheart of every damsel.

Let’s face it. Fairytale is a form of escapism from reality. It provides us that illusion that reality can be sometimes sweet. And if we look carefully at these fairy-tales without getting carried away by the theatrics, we will also see elements of reality in it; just that the plot always has a quicker way to overcome the challenges.

I believe anyone can create his or her own fairytale without the constant pressure from society and family. It is this pressure that sometimes leaves women dithering and men unfaithful. But more importantly, understanding one’s core needs and the tricks of life helps to build a realistic fairy-tale.

I BELIEVE ANYONE CAN CREATE HIS OR HER OWN FAIRYTALE WITHOUT THE CONSTANT PRESSURE FROM SOCIETY AND FAMILY. IT IS THIS PRESSURE THAT SOMETIMES LEAVES WOMEN DITHERING AND MEN UNFAITHFUL. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, UNDERSTANDING ONE’S CORE NEEDS AND THE TRICKS OF LIFE HELPS TO BUILD A REALISTIC FAIRY-TALE