Just Quietly Go to Your New Station
I saw the pictures splashed everywhere. My Lord, OBJ prostrating for the younger Ooni? The first thing that came to my mind when I saw the pictures was how he would at 82 be able to stand up after going down that low. Well you see OBJ prostrating for the Ooni is no biggie, it’s a normal thing as OBJ will also bow for my own traditional ruler, the Obong of Uyo, the paramount ruler of all of Uyo. You see from very credible sources, OBJ is scheduled to embark on a bowing tour and only just began with the Ooni because the Ooni was the first to buy him the white agbada he wore that day. We in Uyo are getting ready for our turn and have already bought his outfit. You know for us, we adorn our wrapper that is tied at the waist, although we are debating if we should buy him a boxer short to wear under or we should just allow him make the decision if he was going to wear anything under or not. But knowing the kind of Baba we have, he just might come with the wrapper and nothing under and in the process expose the family jewels as he prostrates for our paramount ruler. Well, I have bought a small camera just in case this national epoch making event occurs to take a picture for posterity to be framed and placed at the National Museum for the next generation to marvel at one of the greatest statesmen that ever lived with his golden balls in display. Teheeeee.
Of all the things that is worrying me as a Nigerian in Buhari’s Nigeria, this Father Mbaka is the least of my problems. That he is crying that he has to move from a duplex to a tiny apartment just shows his level of hypocrisy and to say the least, I am highly disgusted. This his story has led me to go listen to one of the great Fela’s songs. He sang about how the bishop’s house is usually the biggest and finest on the streets. This was a call to our people to wake up from the doldrums of hypnotic servitude as ordained by these servants of Babel all in the name of Christ. This Father has caused enough confusion in our country. Fighting a sitting governor to a standstill and predicting in favour of Jonathan and weeks later shifting to Buhari and making all sorts of pronouncements from a pulpit provided by the Catholic Church. Me, I even wonder why it took those ones so long to clip his wings.
I was at the Bourdilon sitting room of the Jagaban when Raymond and his team came for the begging. You should have seen the prostrating; it was more than the one OBJ did for the Ooni. The whole of Auchi came out o. This was their son and he must be spared. After days in the gulag and the current wahala with the Dasukigate, this Tinubu wahala must go away o. As Tinubu emerged from his bedroom, the whole 600 of us went flat and as instructed all the women started crying and wailing, while the men remained on the floor kissing the rug and solemnly singing his praises in all the languages spoken in Nigeria. You trust me nah! As I was on the floor, I was monitoring things. Dokpesi was in tears though pretending to be bold, his traditional ruler holding a basket of kola nut and singing in a very tiny voice reminding how Tinubu’s great grandmother was gracious in victory hence the naming of the fountain in Lagos Island after her. As we were pleading we saw someone that looked like Olisa Metuh walk in. We all screamed and bundled the man out before he worsened our matter only to realise he wasn’t the one. That it was just someone with grey Today this priest, I hear, is so wealthy and used to the comforts of his activities that he wailed that this transfer which I hear is almost 15 years over-due was, in his own words, suffering. What kind of suffering? Is this up to what the poor people who daily throng his charades of crusades see daily? These people trade on fear, ignorance and stupidity that come from our unwillingness to work hard. Politicians who have deprived us of our destiny run to him for help, because he parades a strong charismatic followership from thousands of ‘dummified’ proletarians who have nothing to lose but listen to the words of a charlatan. I beg, I’m sorry to my readers if I am uncharacteristically being harsh on this man of the cassock but I don vex, no be every time I dey vex and nah small thing dey vex me. This him cry don vex me. Never should we be exposed to this level of hypocrisy again. Never!
beards which is now the dress code of the Dasuki Fan Club. After all the begging and pleading, the Jagaban looked closely at Dokpesi taking pity and said go and sin no more. I just love this Jagaban. You see why he is the greatest of them all since Awolowo. He just with a smile saved Dokpesi N150m that he would have paid if he lost the case. Everybody jumped and screamed and started singing and dancing in praise of the living legend. Dokpesi wiped off the tears and in a very shaky voice offered Tinubu his thanks and announced that he had come with 10Agenebode Virgins for him to take and do whatever he liked. But as you know how generous enough the Jagaban can be, I hear he will distribute the virgins to his willing and able foot soldiers. So Sir, Jagaban, I have been a member of APC even before its formation. I have suffered seriously for our party and have even been slapped by Madam Jonathan simply because I mistakenly mentioned your name when we were planning the Ekiti matter the one Aluko is singing about now. So I believe very strongly that I deserve one of those virgins especially the light in complexion one that stood beside you during the ceremony. I am waiting o.
The Supreme Court has spoken and Saraki has nobody but himself to blame. When someone refuses to listen to advice, this kind of thing happens. I have been begging his Man Yusuph to allow me come pay a visit to His Excellency and that one has been giving me all sort of excuse for not getting me to see the Oloye’s son. Now you see what has happened. I only wanted to meet with Saraki and read Psalm 23 with him and hold his hands and pray for him to find divine favour at the Supreme Court and that would have been all. I would have blinded the eyes of those judges that they will only read my judgment and not theirs. Shey you see what Yusuph has done? Now we have to go through the whole humiliating process of a trial. Go and ask the Akwa Ibom Governor and Wike how they passed through the Supreme Court wahala. They did not look down on me. We all met at a stream near Umunede where my grandfather was buried. We stood naked and put chalk all over our face and called all the Supreme Court judges by name and their faces appeared on the stream and we peed on them and that was it. So it’s not too late. Saraki has to come down from his high horse and let’s go to Umunede. Although, this time because of his earlier arrogance he would have to fly down from Abuja only in his boxers and walk from the airport to the stream with nothing on. Not even the slippers. Even that sef, I am not sure the gods will agree but we can only but try. What else can we do?
I saw this one coming and I said it openly. This was a waste of time. Oliseh has always been very mouthy and with no track to lead such a big team. Our football administrators have forever not been able to be selfless in their dealings, especially as it concerns the appointment of a chief coach for the Super Eagles. Otherwise, why would an Oliseh be chosen over a Stephen Keshi who has more experience and has shown tremendous capacity to lead the team to titles? Stories of witchcraft, egocentric behaviour, as was the case with Vincent Enyeama, and trying to train the team from Belgium, has been our lot since he came on the saddle. As my favourite thug, Olamide, will say: a beg, leave rubbish for LAWMA. Oliseh should be kicked out and let’s start being serious with our football again.