LEGAL HUMOUR
A couple of lawyers are out hunting in the woods when one of them suddenly falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other lawyer quickly pulls out his cell phone and calls 911 for help. "911, state the nature of your emergency," says the emergency operator. "My friend is dead! What can I do?" gasps the lawyer. "Just take it easy. I can help you," the operator says calmly. "First, let's make sure he's dead." There's a short pause, then a shot is heard. The lawyer's voice comes back to the line and hurriedly asks, "OK, now what?"
A lawyer phoned the governor's mansion shortly after midnight. "I need to talk to the govenor, it's an emergency!" exclaimed the lawyer. After some cajoling, the governor's aide eventually agreed to wake him up. "So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?" grumbled the governor. "Judge Brown just died, and I want to take his place," pleaded the attorney. "Well, its Ok with me if its Ok with the mortuary," came the reply.
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone. "I'm very sorry," the receptionist answered, "but Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client. The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me, I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Is Mr. Smith there?", the client again asked. "Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist, "Mr. Smith is DEAD!" "Oh I understand you perfectly," said the client, "I just can't hear it often enough."
A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," the defendant replied. "Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge. "Sure," replied the defendant, "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."
Your attorney and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You only have time to save one of them. Do you: (1) have lunch?, or (2) go to a movie?
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time, robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, DEAD or ALIVE! A trigger happy, young, enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track down the bandit on his own and collect the reward. After a lengthy search, the Ranger tracked the bandit to his favorite cantina and snuck up behind him. At the sound of the Ranger's guns cocking and preparing to fire, the surprised bandit sped around only to see both of the Ranger's six-shooters bearing down on him. The Ranger announced, "You're under arrest! Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll drop you where you stand," his finger becoming itchy on the trigger. However, the bandit didn't speak English and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately for the Ranger, a bilingual lawyer was present in the cantina and translated the Ranger's demand to the bandit. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried next to an old oak tree behind the cantina. "What did he say, what did he say?", the Ranger hurriedly asked. To which the lawyer replied, "Well, the best I can make out he said ... DRAW!"