Bukola Saraki is Still Stand­ing


I do not un­der­stand all the noise, Adeo­sun and I did NYSC in Ogun State. We were both in the Sagamu Camp of the NYSC. I still re­mem­ber her very well, she was one tall, dark and pleas­antly man­nered young lady, who had just come back from England. Not to­tally beau­ti­ful, but had pass­able gait enough to catch my in­ter­est for I moved on her. We used to walk around the camp at night star­ing at the Sagamu skies try­ing to count them since any at­tempt at kiss­ing was ruled out. I never use to un­der­stand her cock­ney ac­cent since me I went to the great Univer­sity of Ibadan and came from Sho­molu. Her ac­cent in­trigued me, while mine also in­trigued her. We served to­gether o. Her uni­form used to sit very well on her, show­ing her great as­sets and which made my heart pound even though I could not touch since that was the pol­icy. She was bril­liant though and used to talk about the econ­omy and how her am­bi­tion was to be a ma­jor pol­icy maker in the coun­try in eco­nom­ics and fi­nance. Then the day we passed out came and in tear­ful hugs and fi­nally the kiss which showed her very soft and suc­cu­lent lips we bid our­selves good bye as she climbed into her chauf­fer driven Mercedes Benz and I in turn jumped on the molue that would con­vey me back to Sho­molu. I have not seen her since then but I heard that Adenike Adeo­sun now runs a fast food joint in Ikoyi. Oh­h­h­hhh were you guys think­ing I was talk­ing about Kemi Adeo­sun? Agh­h­h­h­h­h­hhh!!!!!!!. No kill me o, wetin con­cern me with that one o. I no know Univer­sity of East Lon­don, na An­gus Memo­rial High School for Sho­molu I go, na Se­gun Ge­orge my paddy na him go that one.

We have just come out of our con­gress here in Sho­molu. Al­though we now have three fac­tions with three dif­fer­ent fac­tional chair­men, we were able with bowls of well-made Afang soup washed down by Yemi Shodimu’s palm wine – you should try it. I will send some to you when you lis­ten and agree to our res­o­lu­tion – agreed to present Ak­in­wunmi Am­bode for re-elec­tion. Let me write his name in cap­i­tal let­ters so you don’t mis­take it – AK­IN­WUNMI AM­BODE. We have heard ru­mours that you may not be very com­fort­able with his se­cond term and this led us into a panic. We for­got our dif­fer­ences and called for an emer­gency meet­ing chaired by my­self, The Duke of Sho­molu and passed the res­o­lu­tion

You see, my peo­ple, Bukola Saraki is still stand­ing and with no im­mu­nity, he is fac­ing all these al­le­ga­tions and ha­rass­ment with the dig­nity. Only a dis­tin­guished per­son­al­ity like him can face all these. Those who have ped­dled all these al­le­ga­tions them­selves are hon­ourable peo­ple who fall in the face of the lit­tlest of scru­tiny. See what hap­pened with the grass cut­ting scan­dal, the NNPC, the pri­mary School cer­tifi­cate, NYSC and a lot more. But then, the one that has been made to strug­gle, cry and face un­told hard­ship and stress com­ing out of it all is the baba nla thief. You see in a coun­try of barely lit­er­ate but highly pas­sion­ate elec­torates, it is those who con­trol the me­dia that con­trol the nar­ra­tive. They blur the is­sues with ex­ag­ger­ated con­jec­tures, weav­ing logic on its head with the vast ma­jor­ity of the pop­u­lace swal­low­ing the toxic in­for­ma­tion with no abil­ity to dis­cern facts from hul­la­bal­loo. So, the one that has to reach out to you on Am­bode’s can­di­dacy. All the peo­ple of Sho­molu and even Bariga are solidly be­hind this res­o­lu­tion and as soon as we can get enough sig­na­tures, we will be send­ing a pe­ti­tion to you since you re­main the almighty giver of life and ca­reers in our state. We are tak­ing this ru­mour very se­ri­ously and are plead­ing while hop­ing that this is not true and that you will once again en­dorse our son. Al­though he is from Epe, we have de­cided to look be­yond that and gone through the whole ju­di­cial process up to the Supreme Court is the thief, the one that has not been in­dicted by any panel, com­mit­tee or com­pe­tent court of law is the thief, while the ones who sit in their pala­tial homes and con­trol whole State Gov­er­nors de­cid­ing who gets what with the Ex­ec­u­tive Gov­er­nor re­duced to noth­ing but dum­mies are the saints. The ones who stand and stare while ma­jor thiev­ery is go­ing on around them but stand on the pul­pit of piety to pro­claim their per­sonal in­cor­rupt­ibil­ity re­main the guid­ing saints of our democ­racy. Mbok, this Bukola is a thief o, let him keep thiev­ing be­cause one day, like they al­ways say, the real thieves would be thrown out naked in the vil­lage square with noth­ing but their lep­rous hands to cover their with­ered tes­ti­cles in ut­ter shame be­cause no mat­ter how long it takes, the truth al­ways pre­vails. My Lord keep thiev­ing. God bless you. see the enor­mous work he has done in La­gos and will still do hence this our unan­i­mous en­dorse­ment. That one sef no dey kuku take my call but nonethe­less, is a good man. The jaga­ban let’s meet and dis­cuss this is­sue at your leisure. Let there be no con­fu­sion, Am­bode is our man.

What most peo­ple do not know is that I am ex­tremely close to this very beau­ti­ful dam­sel. She is my sis­ter o. When leg­endary co­me­dian came for her hand in mar­riage, she was con­fused be­cause at that time, she was be­ing wooed by Prince An­drew of the House of Wind­sor. Such was her dilemma choos­ing be­tween the Roy­alty that is the Bri­tish Royal Fam­ily and the roy­alty that came from the creeks of Warri. Choos­ing be­tween the finest of cham­pagnes and canapés and the harsh and that was on of­fer on this side of the globe. She came to me in Sho­molu for ad­vice. Then I was not yet the Duke of Sho­molu but had been just in­stalled the Ajanaku of Morocco Road in Sho­molu and my wis­dom was leg­endary. Peo­ple came from far and wide for ad­vice. I was the one who ad­vised MKO Abi­ola to run to France, I also ad­vised Man­dela to stay in prison one more year thereby bet­ter­ing his chance at the No­bel Com­mit­tee. So Mary was in good hands. Af­ter lis­ten­ing to her care­fully, I chose Alibaba for her. Sim­ply be­cause I knew that Mary will not be able to cook all that English food and that she may re­ally not un­der­stand the lan­guage. You know say na Cal­abar woman. I fur­ther ad­vised her that Alibaba would bet­ter ap­pre­ci­ate the Afang, and that she is an ex­pert in and that if she try to cook those things in Buck­igham Palace, it will cause diplo­matic prob­lem be­tween both coun­tries and re­mem­ber na Abacha time we been dey. So I thank God she took my ad­vice and for­sook her ti­tle which would have been Princess Mary of she has re­mained the very beau­ti­ful and el­e­gant wife of my great brother. But you know, as our peo­ple be, since then, she has not even of­fered me the Afang soup that she has been feed­ing Ali wey make that one belle big like that. Any way, she is 50 this week and she has in­vited us to the launch­ing of her NGO for the girl child and a ma­jor party at the MUSON. Me, I am look­ing for my tra­di­tional wrap­per to nack go, mean­ing that I won’t be pros­trat­ing for any Yoruba el­der dur­ing the party as I will not be wear­ing any un­der­wear make I no cause mas­sive dis­rup­tion. I thank you.

Don’t mind me o. You know I can be crazy like this. The dis­tin­guished Sen­a­tor will be chair­ing the book read­ing of my lat­est work at an event or­gan­ised by the iconic Fash­ion de­signer. Na that why I put the ‘marry’ in­side the mat­ter, so that you guys will quickly read. Sh­h­h­hhh, I never ask mummy yet but I know say she will agree. So, don’t tell her yet. Details later.


Mary Alibaba

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