LEGAL HUMOUR

Association Convention? The Caterer.

What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed? A Jury.

What do Lawyers use as contraceptives? Their personalities.

Why did God invent Lawyers? So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.

Make crime pay. Become a Lawyer.

What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest Lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along the street one day, when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?

The old Drunk, of course. The other three are mythological creatures.

What do you call an honest Lawyer? An Oxymoron.

What's the difference between a Lawyer and a boxing referee?

A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

What's the difference between a Lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

How do you stop a Lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.

What's the difference between a Lawyer and a leech? After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.

A Minister and a Lawyer both die at the same time. They arrive at the pearly gates to be greeted by Saint Peter who gives them their room assignments.

He says to the Minister, “Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units”.

Then he says to the Lawyer, “And for you, sir, the keys to our finest penthouse suite”.

The Minister is not very happy at this and says, “That's totally unfair!”

Saint Peter replies, “Listen, Ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first Lawyer we've ever seen”.