BOLA TINUBU AND THE HUNDEYIN’S ‘CURSE’
You see, I hear that elephants dey fear rats. That the biggest irokos are usually felled by little men and that the great Samson was felled by the little Delilah. As I woke up to write this column at 4am when normal people are still sleeping, or crawling towards their housemaid’s room, I decided to say a little prayer for Mr. Tinubu. “Oh Lord,” I screamed – the MFM way. “Any weapon fashioned against this our presidential ambition, should dieeeeeeeee!!! Die!!! Die!!! Die!!!” I continued screaming, shaking my head and jumping naked in the room. Duchess ran into the room in fear. I have not prayed this year. Even when my brother, Ken Etete, in a bid not to give me sponsorship stopped reading my messages, I did not pray. So you can understand Duchess’ amazement when she rushed in and saw me with a bottle of Holy Oil and a picture of Hundeyin, shouting dieeeeee oooo !!!!! . The way this boy is going about this thing, I come dey pity Asiwaju. When they come out from one angle, the boy will open another flank. As they are closing one side, the boy will open another one. As Keyamo is screaming with his quarrelsome voice on TV, the boy will open another angle. You see why I have decided to take his matter to the Giver of life and the Source of all powers? Mbok, this boy has gone to ask Deloitte question o. Those ones have replied in a way that could give their HR promotion. They are reported to have said that they do not recognise this particular Yoruba name talk less of giving him $1.8million, abi I cannot remember the amount again o. This Hundeyin is like scabies. Very hard to treat. In University of Ibadan, I had scabies in my bumbum and the thing followed me for four years. The itching is bad. I think Wike has the thing that is why he will be giving a speech and the next minute he will start dancing — na lie, na the craw craw dey itch am. Anyways, Hundeyin has defeated
Keyamo and all the spokespersons of APC have been thrown into the matter. The boy even has the temerity to challenge Keyamo to an open debate. It’s looking like that one has dodged. You know, he prefers to ‘bully’ TV presenters – “Seun take paper and biro.” Now that the real student has challenged him, he will not talk o. As for me, Hundeyin picture remains on my altar for prayers. May he be struck with gonorrhea or something that will distract him because if we are not careful, this boy will scatter everything o and instead of shouting, God bless PD, it will be ‘egba mi ooooo lo wo bobo yi o.’ That is what we will be shouting in the market square. Kai.
YEMI OSINBAJO: APOLOGY NOT ACCEPTED
You see, Prof. Osinbajo is a Yoruba man. If for anything else, Yoruba people know how to respect elders and greet people. They can spend hours greeting you on the main road and in the process reel out your family tree just to say hello. They also know how to kneel and prostate while having this rendition. In fact, for you to engage any Yoruba person in this fine art of greeting you must be physically fit, if not na Lagoon Hospital you go end. So, a whole Prof. Osinbajo during Governor Akeredolu’s Mama burial embarked on this journey with glee. He is an expert in greeting people. He even used to add their ‘oriki’ as he is greeting and sing for some of them and call their great grandfathers’ mistress names as part of the greeting. So, the great and erudite professor took the podium and spent about one hour greeting people, saluting them, hailing them and all that. Nobody was spared, even the cleaners of the church and the head of Okada that cleared the road for him as he entered the town all received accolades during the
marathon greetings. Then the Jagaban, the Lion of Bourdillon, the Emilokan of our time, the Chicago Mayor, the defeater of Jonathan and the only husband of Oluremi, sitting smack in front of you, you forget? No na. My brother Osinbajo, this is not how they used to fight this fight. You see how inexperience is doing you? You see why they say you do not have political sagacity. You ignore Jagaban? You forget to greet him? Ohhh my God! You later apologised o. But we can never agree. This is a major slap on the face of authority. A man who made you? A man who brought you from a lowly handout seller at UNILAG and made you first a commissioner and now vice president and you do this? How can you bite the finger that has fed you like this? You know Jagaban is a man of peace. He has even forgotten your name but me, I will never forget this. I will shout on his behalf and I will say that no apology will be accepted except you do the following and very quickly: Carry ‘eboh’ complete with kolanut and red palm oil and two eggs in the middle of the night while dressed in white bed sheet with no shoes and chalk all over your face and go and drop at Falomo Roundabout in Ikoyi. Also send any beautiful and untouched female from your harem to Shomolu to spend just 49 days with the Duke of Shomolu and finally send a 500-word apology to the Jagaban and copy your boss, Muhammadu Buhari – he no teach you well and also copy the two factional leaders of Afenifere – please make it bold, you know one is 94 and the other is over 100, so they can read. You have been a bad student. Didn’t you see how Tinubu, your leader and maker, greeted Buhari in Jos? He got his followers to follow him in a chant – Buhari !!!!! Buhari !!!!! Buhari! That is how you greet an immortal. Kai. Bro, you need urgent lessons o. kai.
RUFAI OSENI: LET’S BEAT HIM UP
Rufai has been annoying too many people in this country. From LASTMA, to the governor and so many political people with the way he talks on TV. It is no wonder the other day that LASTMA caught him and he had to shout, “I will tell the governor” before they left him. Well, recently, some people who did not care if he was friends with the governor or not accosted him in the lift of a highbrow hotel in Abuja and threatened to beat him up. Now if this was meant to intimidate him or not is what I don’t know. But the Rufai that I spoke to during the week remained very strong and courageous. “Edgar, abeg you know any juju man wey I fit contact? I need those incisions, that will make me invincible.” I said no problem. You see, I have experience in these things. All na packaging. Rufai will be working around like ‘aje butter’ wearing a suit complete with pocket square. It is people who cannot fight that used to dress like that – pocket square? That is a clear sign of a man who cannot fight. You sef check am na, who dey wear pocket square and can fight? Nobody. That is why those people will have the courage to threaten him inside a lift. Me? Who born anybody? Shomolu brought up? Me that I used to fight at Onipanu and at Apata public tap? Go and ask Gisorin. Gisorin was the local champion. He used to beat everybody and as such all the babes in Shomolu then were under his control. We used to call him ‘boxer alagbara’. But me I sha knew I could beat him. So, one day, I challenged him to a fight. He had captured Bose. Bose was the Queen. She had k-legs but was very beautiful with sexy tribal marks. To earn Bose’s love, I had to fight Gisorin. And I told Rufai this story o to show him how a man should be. I walked up to Gisorin at Adebiyi Street
near the world-famous Good Evening street where you get the best prostitutes in the land. Immediately he saw me, he laughed. “Omo kobokobo,” he screamed and all his boys laughed. I looked at him the way Chinese people do in films and I started with my ‘snake in a monkey shadow’ pose. I said, “Gisorin, you kill my father, I kill you’’ and rushed at him. People of Nigeria, I did not see the blow o. The next thing,
na my Mama breast I see myself wey she dey use hot towel dey press the huge koko on my head as she dey use her breast as pillow to tell me sorry. This is why I respect Yoruba people till tomorrow because of Gisorin. So, I tell my brother Rufai, those people that threaten you, did they have tribal marks? He said he didn’t know that the lift was dark. I said, ok how many were they? He answered like two and that his own brother was a life witness. I told him ok, no problem, it is a small matter we will handle it. I suggested we write a petition to the ICC at the Hague, this matter has passed Nigeria Police and ask for Interpol protection. This is beyond juju or any of those things. It is those people that used to guard the American President that we should use to protect you because the way you used to talk on TV some people will give you magun sef. But seriously, threatening a man for his opinion? Threatening a man for standing on his conscience? A real shithole place we have found ourselves I tell you. Keep your head high my brother, nothing do you. If anything happens again, no call me o. Call the guguru defence, I hear they now carry guns. Kai!
ZENITH TECH FAIR WAY TO GO
I have just been invited by my brother, the ever brilliant Tope Fasoranti PhD to the Zenith Bank Tech Fair. I am especially excited about this event if for nothing else but because of the role technology has played in the economy and in our lives. Zenith Bank since inception has shown a glaring interest in technology, leveraging on it to build one of the country’s most viable and admired institutions. So, it did not come as a surprise that they are headlining and arrow heading this massive project. Tagged: ‘Future Forward 2.0,’ the event would include a Zecathon, conferences, breakout masterclasses, exhibitions, raffle draws and lots more. Owing to the level of influence and respect Zenith has in the space, they have been able to pull together some of the most brilliant players on technology globally. Huge international enterprises like Mckinsey, Google, Visa, Huawei and also with a fine smattering of some local super players like Opay headed by my former oga and good friend Olu Akanmu, CBN, Flutterwave, among others, form the core participants in these super eclectic happening. Hosted by Dr. Umeoji who is the Deputy Managing Director of Zenith and my brother Ebenezer Onyeagwu who is the Managing Director the two-day event promises to be a blast and I will be there during the lunch break of both days. Look out for me and I hope they will serve Afang.