My Christmas ‘soul-searching’
Last week was pretty busy for us. It was exam week, Christmas school projects and peak season at work. I was glad that we ended the week nicely with two warm and relaxing get-togethers. One was with the families of my daughter Meagan’s Children’s International summer Village (CIsV) friends who went with her to sweden in 2017, and the group who went to the United states. Both parents and kids, with their siblings, always have a great time together.
On the car ride home, Meagan and I were chatting. she shared how she hoped us parents would continue to find time for them to hang out. I told her how lucky she was to find such good friends. As a mom, I felt even happier that she found people who she can trust and be herself with.
It made me bring up distinct memories of my distant past. It reminded me of my own friendships and relationships that have always been there for me. I felt like looking for the boxes of old letters I would usually go through when I felt like going down “memory lane.” Instead, I found a box filled with the metal button pins I used to collect. It was a surprise find and a gateway to who I once was.
It dawned on me how far I have gone, from being the most fearful human being—one who could not sleep alone, who was afraid of the dark and who was so afraid of people’s disapproval—to someone who has achieved clarity, gratitude and love.
the songs below are part of my playlist, called “Portia soul searchers”. I usually listen to them in the morning when I get ready for work. they usually calm me down and make me smile. Portia was the name I gave my diary when I was growing up. these are the songs that trigger those poignant moments whether I was in grade school or the new ones I have learned from my kids.
n “take Me Out of the Dark” by Gary Valenciano—When I was in Grade 4, I received a cassette copy of the album Faces of Love from my long-time classmate Bing Tan. He specifically told me to listen to this song. that song made me a fan of Gary V. Since then, when I find myself in my most hopeless moments, I would still listen to this song and feel a lot better.
n “Wen Bie [the Goodbye Kiss]” by Jacky Cheung—this Mandarin song is my go-to “heartache” song. My best friend Liza explained each line to me word-for-word. this is still my most favorite Karaoke piece to date.
n “sa Kanya” by Ogie alcacid/ “Muli” by Gary Valenciano and Regine Velasquez—In college, these two songs used to always take me back to “what could have been.” today, these songs remind me that God’s plan is always greater.
n “anima Christi/Prayer for Generosity”—toward the end of my first year in college, I realized how I depended too much on people for security. I was lucky to be introduced to a group called Christ Youth in action. I joined this group on my own. In visiting the chapel or the Blessed sacrament, I found true solace then as I do now.
n “Man in the Mirror” by Micheal Jackson/“true Colors” by Phil Collins—thanks to great professors in Philosophy and theology, and of course Clinton Palanca, my English professor, I found many answers in the teachings of aristotle, nietzsche and Kierkegaard. Both these songs remind me of how I embraced solitude in my college years and fortified my “personal bubble.”
n “Fool Till The End” by Gary Valenciano—After college, I realized how my idealism led me to cling on to people or situations that hurt me. It took abrupt and hurtful goodbyes to make me realize this. I think the greatest-hits album of Gary V, with continuous repeat of this song, became my ultimate driving companion.
n “In Your Eyes” by Regine Velasquez/“One More Gift”—These are two songs I love because of my husband. “In your eyes, I can see my dream’s reflections/In your eyes, I found the answers to my questions.” I always feel grateful that God gifted me with a husband who truly understands and loves me unconditionally. “One More Gift” is my husband’s most favorite Church song.
n “I Want You to Know” by Zedd featuring selena Gomez/“Photograph” by Ed Sheeran/“Sunflower” by shannon Purser from the original soundtrack of the Netflix movie Sierra Burgess is a Loser—these are songs that makes me grateful for having genuine connection with my kids. these are from movies we watched together or events we attended together.
as we enter these more quiet times of the holidays, try to recall songs that “stuck,” or rummage through your oldest box of memories. Cherish the fact of remembering. appreciate the lyrics that usher those “thuds.” For each day of our past’s “soulsearching” allowed us to reach the depth of today. and if not, start peeling, facing and being. We all deserve to be proud of who we have become.
special shout out to my husband, Vinson. “Happy 14th anniversary, Vink. You will always be my rock!”