Diary of a mom with no limits: Finding ‘faithful’ answers
MOMMY NO LIMITS
MAYE YAO CO SAY
WHEN I was child, the La Naval procession in Bicol was an annual ritual. I questioned why I should be there if this was my parents’ devotion. I saw the devoted time to the rosary, and to all the statues one could find at home. I did not grasp why. And yet, before I turned 10, and seeing my family still together despite all the chaos, I somehow attributed all that to the prayers and acts of devotion.
I studied in a Catholic school all my life. We dropped by the parish church every day before entering school. One time I remember praying for a high grade. I got it. I saw my faith as a “granter” of wishes. From then on, every test, major recitation and contest, I would always pray and offer the result to God.
I was very active in school. I was always an officer in religious organizations. This allowed me to participate in recollections with multiple age groups. There, we shared our fears, family issues and usually end up in tears of repentance and gratitude. I saw my faith as a community who supported my fearful heart.
When I moved to Poveda, I wondered why my teachers and classmates genuinely wanted to go to mass during lunch. I witnessed the works of the Institución Teresiana and truly saw something “real” in their devotion. I understood this more when I was tasked to head the school’s 1995 World Youth Day activities. My faith transformed into a promise of action beyond prayer. I thank our teachers and administrators, especially Sally Villavicencio and Tess Java, for continuing to guide me even today.
When I was in university, I was totally unprepared for such an emotional roller coaster. I had my first official relationship but that only lasted a few months. To this day, I think that experience of deception was one of the most painful times in my life. I felt so angry. I felt no one understood my pain. I turned to my faith and found solace in prayer. I learned to visit the chapel and the Blessed Sacrament more often. More than this, I think Philosophy saved me. Philosophy provided the Aristotelian Mean, for me to balance reason and emotions.
I remember in my first two years of college, I kept asking myself why did it have to happen to me? When I finished college, I remember being grateful for that pain. “A kick to freedom”... that’s how I describe my college years. From a perfect high school ending, came the most painful kick of abandonment. The thud at the pit of your stomach you pray each day to go away, but it doesn’t. Then you try to find all the means to fix the situation. One day you just admit, “I have no answer.” Then in that minute you let go, the answer comes to you. It was a critical point for me to realize I do not always hold the key... that a set input does not always end up to be a set output... that our calculations might be accurate, but will always remain theoretical. In the end, a force bigger than us knows more... and in my experience, as long as we do by what is good, that force gives a whole lot more than what we ever hoped for.
My faith upon leaving Ateneo became as “real” as my 20/20 line of sight. As much as my Philosophy classes, especially about Friedrich Nietzsche, challenged my faith, those same Philosophy and Theology classes, especially from Fr. Nemy Que, paved the way to the realization that faith is not blind mysticism. There is logic to believe because life with faith bears more meaning than life without it.
At present, my faith has allowed me to overcome many more tragedy that has come my way. It has paved an “advanced gratitude” to whatever is to come. More than this, my faith allows me to quiet down, listen, trust and “let live.” That is why whether I am here in Manila or on a business trip, I enjoy the holiness of the Church.
I believe that faith begins in words but graduates to everyday action. Faith is not religion. Faith is not words of prayer. Religion and prayer are tools toward a strong faith. Today, I support the Church because it promotes faith, but it is secondary to my personal relationship with God. Oftentimes, people deflect from their religion because of the hypocrisy of many members, hiding negative actions behind one’s religion. I view that our strength of faith must go beyond the actions of others. People choose to live out their religion in their own way. What is important is how we live our religion with true faith.
Why is faith important? Faith in its purest meaning is complete trust or confidence in someone or something. Faith, for me, goes hand in hand with trust in one’s providential future. It also involves trusting in our own “personhood.” We must bear that strong belief that life is there slowly bringing us closer to our rightful future.
Next week, I will share my continuous learning on other beliefs like Kabbalah, Buddhism and the like, and how these give more meaning to my faith. ■ mommynolimits@gmail.com