Talking about mental health with your employees—without overstepping

It’s been called a “second pandemic”— the burden on our mental health imposed on us by the global health crisis, political unrest, economic uncertainty, rising unemployment, social isolation, remote work, home schooling, and so much more. And while it can feel like the first pandemic has been with us long enough for employees to have found the necessary resources and strategies for handling stress, the fact is, many of us are struggling more, not less.

You may have checked in with your employees back in April when the crisis was acute, but you need to keep doing it.

Talking about mental health, however, can feel tricky at best and terrifying at worst. And this can lead to a vicious cycle: The less often people at work talk about the difficulties they are encountering (even when they know they and others are struggling), the more the stigma grows. To break this cycle, you have to address the issue proactively, strategically and thoughtfully.

Managers have a responsibility toward their employees to create an open, inclusive and safe environment that allows individuals to bring their whole selves to work. In her Harvard Business Review article “We Need to Talk More About Mental Health at Work,” Morra Aarons- Mele shares research showing that “feeling authentic and open at work leads to better performance, engagement, employee retention and overall well- being.”

Leaders at all levels need to put mental health “on the table,” talking about it, inviting others to talk about it and working actively to develop resources for employees. This is how we reduce mental health stigma and increase the likelihood that our colleagues will feel happier, more confident and more productive.

So how do you start talking about a topic that can make even the bravest leader worry about overstepping? Here are three ways:

1. Talk about health holistically

Cha nces are that you’d ask your co-worker about the back pain he's been experiencing since he started working from home. You’d probably also ask your team member about the tendon she tore on a recent run. You might even share an update about your seasonal allergies. When you’re asking about someone’s health, make a note to inquire about that person's mental health too. It can be as simple as, “It sounds like your back pain is getting better. That’s good news. And how’s your mental health these days? I know these can be very stressful times— and please let me know if I’m overstepping.” ( And then stop talking.)

Sharing your own struggles is helpful too, because it normalizes the discussion. You might try, “My allergies are keeping me up at night— and so is my anxiety. It’s really hard to get a solid night’s sleep when I’m worried about my kids’ safety at school. How about you? What’s keeping you up at night?” ( And then again, stop talking.) It’s important to note that if you haven’t had a close connection with a particular employee in the past, your relationship may be low on the feeling of psychological safety. To start building that up, take small steps. You might say something like, “I know that you and I haven’t typically talked about nonwork topics, but for me, work and nonwork feel like they’re blurring together these days. How are you doing with that?”

2. Don’t try to fix people

Leaders often succeed by navigating difficult situations and solving complex problems. But people don’t like to be “fixed,” so don’t try. An employee who believes you see him as broken may worry that you don’t see him as capable or credible, which can undermine his confidence and competence. Approach your colleagues with the mindset that he or she is resourceful and able, and that he or she may need your support but not necessarily solutions. You want to be a bridge to resources, rather than being the resource yourself.

If someone shares that he or she is struggling, here are a few things you can say:

“What would be most helpful to you right now?”

“What can I take off your plate?”

“How can I support you without overstepping?”

Let’s discuss the resources we have available here, and what else you might need.”

“I’ve been through something similar. And while I don’t want to make this about me, I’m open to sharing my experience with you if and when it would be helpful.”

3. Really listen

The financier Bernard Baruch said, “Most of the successful people I’ve known are the ones who do more listening than talking.” But it’s not enough to just listen; you need to do it well. That’s not always easy— especially now, when our own preoccupations, distractions, biases and judgments can easily get in the way.

Here are ways in which you can create an environment where your employees feel heard, respected and cared for:

Be clear with yourself and your colleagues that your intention in listening is to help.

Suspend judgment (of yourself and the other person) by noticing when an “approving/disapproving” thought enters your mind. Let it pass or actively send it away.

Focus on your colleagues and their experiences, being sure to separate them from yours.

Listen for overall themes, such as social isolation or financial concerns, and don’t get mired in the details, which can distract you from the big picture of what’s going on with that person. Since you’re there to offer support, rather than solve problems, you don’t need to know the specifics.

Listen with your eyes as well as your ears. Notice changes in facial expressions, which can give you some cues to what the person is actually feeling, as opposed to what he is saying.

Recognize that when you start thinking to yourself, “What am I supposed to do?” you’ve stopped listening.

Let your colleague know that if something is interfering with your ability to really listen, whether it’s an urgent e- mail, your child demanding your attention or your own stress— and offer to reschedule your conversation for a time when you can really attend to them.

As the World Health Organization ambassador Liya Kebede said, “Helping others isn’t a chore, it is one of the greatest gifts there is.” Your willingness to open up an honest conversation about mental health with your employees is exactly the kind of gift that so many people want and need right now.