Helping cancer victims

“WHAT advice would you give a cancer patient?” That was the question asked me by a community leader of Antipolo. He sat beside me at a recent event in our city. Our city health officer organized a Cancer Awareness activity last week and had asked me to say a few words on that occasion.

It was while I was there that the community leader asked me about the advice I would give to a cancer patient. My answer was, “None.” He appeared baffled by my answer. He knew I am a doctor and had probably presumed that I knew exactly what to say to someone suffering from that dreaded disease.

“What do you mean ‘none’?” he asked again. I explained.

“What I mean is that I would not give a cancer patient advice,” I said. “Why?” he asked again.

My answer was, “because a cancer patient does not need an adviser-what a cancer patient needs is a friend.”

He paused, and then nodded slowly. He understood what I was trying to say.

I had made my point. I have had enough people in my life and in those of my friends to know that, to a cancer patient, a friend matters more than a learned adviser.

Cancer is a deadly disease which affects not just the human body but the human emotions and spirit as well.

Some would say it is a very “cruel” disease. It is so cruel because it causes prolonged suffering. It is not just the cancer patient who suffers but also the people in the patient’s life-family, friends, and colleagues. It makes for a slow death, with the waiting time marked by much anguish.

It is so cruel because it makes patients hope and then just suddenly snatches the glimmer of hope away in an instant.

Others say it is a very “kind” disease. It is so kind because it helps the patient make the proper preparation for death. The patient is able to ready himself emotionally and spiritually for the inevitable. The people in the patient’s life are able to make the same preparation.

It is unlike a heart attack or a stroke, or an accident where death comes in like a traitor.

In the case of cancer, death comes in announced. The patient and his family can work on a timeline. The necessary good-byes can be said. Reconciliations and resolutions of the many conflicts and issues that highlight human life can happen as well.

Cancer patients bear the brunt of the pain and suffering. And, yes, we have all been told that cancer is a very painful disease. Most cases lead to the necessary use of morphine just before the patient breathes his last.

The worst pain, however, is in the patient’s heart-the chaotic plunge into the abyss of anger over one’s situation to the dismal plateau of surrender and to that terrible uphill climb towards acceptance. During that hard emotional journey, the patient feels terribly alone. That is a valid feeling-the fact is the cancer patient does have to go through it alone. It is a journey no one else can take on his behalf.

In that pain-filled journey, advice is not needed. Instead, there are three useful things that the people around him can do.

Three things: presence, practical help, and prayer.

Presence means just being there. No advising. No counseling. Just lending one’s physical presence. Just the assurance that someone else is in the room. Just the occasional hug, tap in the shoulder, or holding the patient’s hands.

Practical help counts a lot. Running errands for the patient. Acting as driver. Buying stuff. Opening the juice can.

Finally, prayer. Praying for and praying with the patient. The patient’s chaotic emotional journey includes his resolution of his issues with God. Spiritual support will go a long way.

There is one thing I would never say to a cancer patient. I would never say, “I know what you are going through.”

No one does. No one really knows. The depth of the pain is understood by the patient alone. I would also never say, “Be brave.” No one can be brave in the face of this deadly disease and of imminent death.

Frankly, I would not know what to say. But I would know what to do. Presence. Practical help. Prayer. Today, my family and I offer our prayers to our readers who may be going through the emotional journey triggered by cancer. We offer our prayers for their families, too.

We pray that this pain-filled journey be filled too with the loving, comforting presence of God.

A blessed Sunday, everyone.