Will they love us, warts and all?
Perhaps. Sometimes. But mothers love forever
Children are not spewed out into this world with a care instructions attachment or user manual. Expectant parents spend the time waiting for the child to be born selecting baby names, buying nursery furniture, baby clothes, and feeding paraphernalia, interrupted by the OB-Gyn prenatal checkups that mark milestones to the impending birth … but that’s the fun part.
The nerve-wracking bit starts as soon as you hear the baby’s first wail.
“Is the baby ok?” you ask yourself even as your anesthesia-befuddled brain tries to convince you that the ultrasound showed all fingers and toes intact during your last OB-Gyn visit. you will still worry the doctor might have missed something.
Looking back, I should have seen it as a portent of what was to come as I entered motherhood over 20 years ago: Worry, and for a conscientious mother, it never ends.
The sound of a baby’s cry has been so ingrained in a mother’s DnA that we begin to feel the nerves on our breasts twitch and even leak milk in expectation of feeding our child. We involuntarily look around when we start to hear a child in distress. In a sea of mothers, we end up turning our heads in sync toward that disembodied child’s shout, “Mommy!”
The instinct to protect even becomes so strong that given a lifestrengthening situation, we unthinkingly put ourselves in danger just to protect our child or a child first. But then it happens… When you realize that raising a child will be your responsibility and protecting your child will not only mean protecting the child from the world but even from you, it dawns on you that you can damage your children—physically, emotionally, and mentally by your mothering inexperience, learned parental behavior, and misguided notion of what you think is right for the child, as opposed to what the child needs to learn to be happy in the real world.
I have two boys, William, 21, and Ian Orestes, 15. I learned a lot raising William and sometimes at night, I recall bad parenting moments that fill me with so much regret. I have apologized for some of them when William became a young man. And promised myself not to repeat them on Ian Orestes. In fact, I often ask William’s advice in a lot of matters regarding his younger brother. I am very lucky that way but still, the world is never perfect and one can never really protect your child from what’s happening around them. So what do you do?
As I mentioned before, there is no care instructions attachment or user manual that comes with the baby, so to a large extent you wing it because you can’t use all the items from your parent’s parenting manual.
There are bits in there that fall under the “break the cycle” category since your parents, and yourself lived in a different tiReG NoRe portions of Ry parents’ parenting Ranual certainly didn’t work for Re!
Jach child is differentG We have different parenting procedures and objectives but the one thing that reRains constant is loveG Lf there is one thing, L want Ry children to know with certainty, even in their darkest RoRents, it is that they are lovedG AdRitting that L would be Raking Ristakes—and soRe bad ones—in this journey we call Rotherhood was a good startG Lt freed Re froR the burden of being and trying to be perfect, even as being free froR that burden did not stop Re froR trying to take care of Ry children the best way L couldG
Raising children is a bit trickyG Lt needs soRe planning and calculation but to love theR is naturalG
L have been blessed with a Rore than coRfortable life, as Ry children too have beenG L’ve been asked how we Ranaged avoiding “feeling entitledG” To a certain extent, there is a sense of entitleRent because we have expectations and a track record of positive behavioral reward when we ask our parents for soRethingG We all ask our parents for Roney to buy clothes, new gadget, to spend with friendsG Depending on the financial stability of the household, children expect to be givenG The operative word in cases when we reward our children, however, is “RoderationG” We give in RoderationG Based on what L’ve seen, the entitleRent is nurtured when there is a history of excessive rewards and this is driven by Rany factors, such as a parent’s need to iRpress the child’s friends (or parents) or overcoRpensation for the perception of being an inadequate parent or the need to fulfill a childhood dreaR or wish to have his child have what he could not have when the parent was a child or the faRily just has a lot of RoneyG
Lt can get tricky because how do you explain to your child why you can’t give Roney when they know you have it? No again “RoderationG” Create a tab of how Ruch your child asks for so you can Ronitor how often your child asks for things and how often you give theR to hiR or herG Our children are given a weekly allowance so they only ask for big purchases that need to be explained and defended a la thesis defense level!
A recent published letter of a son disowning his Rother hit Re hardG Lt Rade Ry blood run coldG Lt was the stuff of a Rother’s nightRareG Lf Ry son said that to Re, L would blaRe RyselfG L will hear the pain, disappointRent, hurt, and frustration in Ry son’s words and blaRe Ryself for being the source of that anguishG
There surely are a nuRber of underlying factors that led to the son’s actions and certainly the actions of the RoR in the political arena should not be confused with a betrayal of a Rother’s love for the sonG Children forget that their parents are huRan too and live in the real world and have to Rake real life decisions to surviveG But conscientious Rothers will always blaRe theRselves because the buck stops with us, the Rothers, when it coRes to our childrenG That’s just how we transforR as soon as we bring our babies out into the worldG
L’R froR a political faRilyG We are no strangers to disagreeRents and differing opinions within our clanG My goodness, Ry two great uncles— NupreRe Court Justice Norberto LG RoRualdeT, who was also one of the Neven Wise Men who were tasked to create the teRplate for the 1I35 Constitution of the Philippine Republic, and Miguel RoRualdeT, the sixth Mayor of Manila, appointed by then LtG KovG Leonard Wood of the UN Civil governRent in the Philippines—were on opposing sides of the political spectruRG But they still sat down for Reals together and respected each other’s viewsG
Norberto wanted independence froR ARerica while Miguel wanted the Philippines to be a part of the UNG Our faRily Ratriarch recalled during our faRily reunion last April, the brothers were so close and their respective faRiliesG And she wished this would continue for Rany generations to coReG There will always be strong opinions, and soRetiRes differing opinions within our faRily have gone public, but as a cousin sagely said, “We can only pray that we stay true to our shared values and principlesG”
Our forefathers would be crestfallen to know anything got in the way of faRily cohesionG And this cohesion is often the responsibility and the burden of the Mother of the HouseG No on this day, Mother’s Day, let us celebrate all Rothers for all that they have to do and bearG
To all Rothers, it’s OKG We can do this! Fighting!
A recent published letter of a son disowning his mother hit me hard. It made my blood run cold. It was the stuff of a mother’s nightmare.
The author, Eliza Romualdez-Valtos, is the mother of two boys, William, 21, and Ian Orestes, 15. She finds joy in life through her children, writing, reading books, listening to and learning from people from all walks of life, listening to all kinds of music , and immersing herself in various arts and crafts. She is also a traveler, particularly enamored of the mountains and the highlands. Her goal is to have a meaningful life and to be remembered to have had a life well lived.