A Happy Un-Mother’s Day

Why this writer refuses to accept that women are useless for deciding not to ‘go forth and multiply’

Every time Mother’s Day rolls in, I find myself waking up to greetings modified for me because of my relationship with my dog Juancho. “Happy Mother’s Day to our favorite dog mom! You should give Juancho a human sibling soon!”

I often find it sweet that people appreciate my relationship with Juancho that much. He does react when I’m referred to as “Mama” and I joke about him being the heir to all my worldly possessions. A vast collection of makeup and pretty clothes he can never wear. But we all know that motherhood—at least the kind that people expect me to sign up for and not the kind I enjoy with my dog—is something I have already decided to walk away from.

“But don’t you want to join the club?” is a question I often get asked and “Do I have to?” is my usual reply.

I once got my grandmother a gift for Mother’s Day. She found it to be a little too extravagant for the occasion. “I would prefer if you just spend this on a child of your own then later, you’ll also get gifts on Mother’s Day,” she said, her forehead creased with worry. “It would also be the best gift you can give me.”

I spoil my grandmother quite a lot but that’s the one gift she knew I refuse to give, a gift that’s too much of a luxury and a betrayal of my own person. I’ve heard every guilttripping line in the book from family, friends, and even people I just met. I’ll hear it again on Mother’s Day and it will make me wonder when the questions will end and when the assumption of my being unkind to my husband by not giving him kids will start to dissipate.

I never wanted to become a mother but I admit I also toyed with the idea. After all, society taught me that it’s what I’m supposed to be at some point in my life. In the end, I chose me and how I’m differently wired.

One’s decision not to be a mother is not an attack on another person’s desire to be one. My truest of friends always understood or never really cared about the decision we made. Yet, on Mother’s Day, I know there will be people who will greet me once more.

If you greet a dog-mom, a step mom, or any other type of mom on Mother’s Day, I hope you mean it and that you say that with respect to the decision they made and the life path they chose for themselves. Raising kids takes a village and, while I never wanted one of my own, I do find them in my life every now and then.

We all have a role to play in society and I refuse to accept that women like me are useless for deciding not to “go forth and multiply.” Our roles have merely expanded and in the one I chose, I get to be there for other people in my life, including mothers.

I know that my relationship with my dog, though maternal, doesn’t come close to the bonds formed by mothers with their own offspring. It’s the bond I chose, however, and one of the roles I will happily continue to play, with much contentment, too.

So on Mother’s Day, I write this as an ally of a woman’s choice to be who she wants to be, a mother or not, a wife or a single woman for life.

I write this definitely as a friend to women who choose a path different from mine and on this day, Mother’s Day, we celebrate you the most. I’ll cheer you on every single day you need a friend to do that and remind you of all the other things you can and will do outside of motherhood. I’ll be the fun tita who can play with your kids until they get tired and get a drink with you for an hour when it gets really hard.

And for the dog moms, enjoy the greetings without the guilt.

I’ll be the fun tita who can play with your kids until they get tired and get a drink with you for an hour when it gets really hard.