When asking for sympathy is walking into a trap

DearLloyd, I’ m failing a subject. I’ ve tried hard, but I just can’ t seem to get the gist of it. I’ ve been trying to voice this out to my friends to gain sympathy butt ono AVAIL. IS ITSELf iS H OF ME TO want sympathy from them?

Safya

Safya,

When I was in college, I got two failing grades — one in statistics and the other in engineering economy. Back then it was a big deal. Now, none of them matter to me anymore. I believe our academic rating isn’t the only thing that defines who we are. When I came to show my class cards, I jokingly said, “It’s just an opinion of two professors. It’s not who I really am.”

But failure is failure. Inasmuch as you would like to believe that failure is a stepping stone to success, losing can make you question how many stones you’ll need to step on to succeed. In other words, failure only becomes useful after the fact, not before it — or as it happens. I haven’t seen a person celebrating before and during a loss.

And so seeking for sympathy is a natural response when we feel down, frustrated and helpless. It’s even more heartbreaking when no one seems to come to your rescue. Or, they may be a few people who would but they might say, “It’s just the way it is. There’s nothing you can do about it.” But the saddest part is when you call yourself selfish for asking for help. This is the part where I say you have to draw the line.

Enough is enough.

To believe there’s nothing you can do is to believe in your own incompetence to understand what is out there. Do you really believe that life stops when you fail? Of course, it does not. And you don’t stop as well from doing what needs to be done, from moving on.

While no one can do anything about the result, everyone can choose how they can live with it. Wanting other people to sympathize with you is all right for as long as you don’t make your life depend on it. This makes your asking for sympathy as an option, not the only option. So, when no one comes to save the day, your mind is conditioned to survive another day.

Begging for time, affection or attention isn’t fun. But it happens to the best of us. We beg for someone to stay so we don’t face our trials alone. We beg for someone to care for us so we become more inspired moving forward. We beg for someone’s attention so we can get going with confidence. If you’re lucky, you’ll find that someone. If not, where does that leave you? Isn’t it true that we always come to a point when we feel like “asking” if this is the only thing that we can do? In many cases, it is. But when it isn’t, you only have yourself to endure the pain.

That’s why asking for sympathy can sometimes make you walk into a trap especially when it becomes the only choice you give yourself. At times, you don’t need other people to validate your choices — and the results of your choices — for you. If you’re failing in your subject — and you know you are — it’s within your judgment, control and power to stir your wheel in the right direction. Do this, and you’ll become the captain of your own ship. Otherwise, someone will take the wheel and lead the sailing.

It’s not selfishness to ask; it’s being human. After all, we all get to ask for help all the time. But not all people will lend you their hand. Trust me, I know. But unable to get help doesn’t make you less of a person. When they refuse to help, keep looking. No one can stop you from looking farther unless you keep yourself from doing so.

I remember there was a time in my life when I asked for help. I said I’m a workin-progress. I apologized for my mistake. I said I promise to be better if given another chance. I got denied of it. So I stood still. I felt sorry for myself. I didn’t move on. I was angry. I didn’t deal with my situation. I didn’t acknowledge that I have many other options. I didn’t recognize that I could choose the way I live with such rejection.

Afraid to lose and still hanging on, I just kept myself afloat when I know I could swim to get to the nearest boat. I was treading water. And you know what happens when someone treads water for too long? Eventually, they drown.

***

On March 22, we quietly celebrated my wife’s 35th birthday at home because of the enhanced community quarantine. It’s a different experience because I couldn’t go out to buy a gift or a cake. But instead of feeling sorry, we just lived with what we have. We know this coronavirus pandemic will end soon, and things will be different when it’s done.

Lloyd Luna, RS P, is the first registered speaking motivational speaker on leadership and bestselling Step back: The Lost Art of Filipino Leadership. Heist he chief executive officer of Step back, a leadership and culture development company that helps leaders and organizations see the bigger picture in life and at work. Visit his w eb sitewww. step back. ph or emailhimatlloyd@stepback.ph.