How do you work through things when the honeymoon phase is over?
How will you and your spouse survive once the honeymoon stage has faded?
The media has done a wonderful job of painting the prettiest picture of marriage. Growing up, our favorite story books, movies and television shows have always shown us that once a couple had uttered their sacred ‘I Dos,’ it would all be smooth sailing from there. Love—as you will gather from soaking all this up like a sponge—seems to be the answer to everything. Years later, when you enter relationships of your own, reality sets in and you start to wonder why you’re not living the fairy tale you had expected.
Famed psychotherapist Esther Perel, known for her insights on modern relationships, brings up an interesting point: nowadays, we might just be expecting too much in a partner. What was once an economic institution that provided one with “children, social status, succession and companionship” has now turned overly idealistic. “Now we want our partner to give us all these things, but in addition, I want you to be my best friend and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot. So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village use to provide,” she says.
The breakdown of this illusion and the realizations that come with it is, in other words, the end of the honeymoon stage. While it isn’t easy, it is essential to survive it for the sake of your marriage. Professional life coaches and husband and wife Edwin Soriano and Rezza CustodioSoriano help us break things down—from giving tips on figuring out your fighting styles to sharing common misconceptions on love.
Let us start from the beginning. The first question one might ask themselves is how one would know the honeymoon stage is over. “For me, it is simply when there is that expectation versus reality element. When your lens have shifted from being all positive, you start to see the flaws of the other person. Differences that you use to find cute now becomes annoying. And from annoyance, fights or increased resentment can come up,” starts Coach Rezza. Her husband Coach Edwin adds, “When that conversation is starting to happen—whether you can live with this person forever—I feel that the honeymoon is over and it is time to do work on yourselves also to see how you can truly partner together.”
When entering a relationship, it’s all too easy to fall into this because of what is being fed to us by the media. The coaches share to me that there are three main misconceptions they observe Filipinos have about love. The first is that the person you married is simply perfect for you. “There is no perfect person. This is why when reality kicks in, disillusionment and confusion start to happen,” starts Coach Rezza. The second is that love will solve everything. She adds that there is both a good and bad side to this; while love is not a bandage solution to everything, it is, at the same time, the answer to all the challenges you’re facing— the decision to love and commit to this person. The third misconception is that there will no longer be problems once you get together in the long run. If this is happening, she says, then you’re living in a bubble.
When asked what tips they would give to a couple just starting to deal with conflict, empathy plays a huge role. “One of the things that can be very helpful is taking a step back and looking at things from different angles. You step into the shoes of someone else, maybe someone you admire. You ask yourself, what would this person do?” says Coach Rezza. “What Rezza described is actually one of our coaching techniques—allowing a person to step out from a situation and letting them see things from a different perspective,” says Coach Edwin. “Another thing I would recommend is to be transparent. Rezza and I have a line to each other where we say, ‘I’m not a mind reader.’ You’re going to live the rest of your life with this partner. Let them know what is in your mind and in your heart.”
What about when a long-term couple seems to be too stubborn in their ways? “Sometimes, I don’t even know if stubborn is the right word. Sticking to a certain style doesn’t necessarily mean that person is stubborn; maybe it’s the only way they know how. Maybe they’re used to it and don’t know how to deal with things differently,” starts Coach Rezza. “When we deal with couple sessions, I do not sit with both of them in front of me. I would coach the wife while Edwin coaches the husband. Sometimes we meet in one general place then we go on to have individual private coaching sessions. When they go back to each other, they have something new to discuss.”
When one or both parties have gone to far, it is essential to know your fighting style. “To navigate through those kinds of problems, you should learn the fighting style of your partner. Some might be to avoid. Others would be to talk about things right away. Another might use data or information. At the tail end of the honeymoon stage it’s just really having that conversation with your partner and figuring out together what works better for both of you. You do things together so you can be better for each other,” says Coach Edwin. When it comes to this, forgiveness also plays a vital role, if you want our relationship to move forward.
As experts who seem to know all the secrets there are to relationships, one had to wonder if things get any easier at some point. “While Rezza and I are both life coaches, it is a reality that we still fight. There are different concerns as the years go by. But you have to remember that in the long run, it isn’t me against you; it is fighting together for your marriage. You say to yourself, I fight for our relationship because I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” says Coach Edwin. “That’s true. Life will always present you with new challenges. But that’s how relationships evolve,” Coach Rezza agrees. After all, a genuine, loving marriage is not just about the memories that make you feel all fuzzy inside. It is growing, individually and together, too.
Interested in having a session of your own? Contact Coach Edwin Soriano through his Facebook page, Coach Edwin Soriano, or via message at (918) 800 2323. You may Coach Rezza Custodio-Soriano through her Facebook page, Femme Power PH or via message at (917) 531 2323.
“IN THE LONG RUN, IT ISN’T ME AGAINST YOU; IT IS FIGHTING TOGETHER FOR YOUR MARRIAGE... LIFE WILL ALWAYS PRESENT YOU WITH NEW CHALLENGES. BUT THAT’S HOW RELATIONSHIPS EVOLVE