Wounded healer: Bipolar doctor has ‘gift’ to share
“A complete mess” was how Ateneo de Manila University School of Medicine graduate Alberto Antonio Jr. described himself before he took the licensure examination for physicians.
In the throes of a major panic attack just three weeks prior to the exam, the public health major took himself to the emergency room and was all “drugged up” for worsening and frequent bouts of depression caused, he said, by the heavy pressure of reviewing and other issues that needed sorting out.
“Finishing reading even just one sentence was difficult,” Antonio recalled. “I felt so overwhelmingly tired, and isolated myself even from my closest of friends. My guilt, both real and imagined, was eating up my brain space. When it hit, I literally cried myself to sleep.”
He “wrestled with [his] demonseverysinglemoment,“naming them as “anguish, hopelessness and [a sense of] worthlessness.”
And while all this was going on, he said, “as a typical board taker, I had to study 12-15 hours a day and read through my 2,500plus pages worth of notes.”
Learning that he was now among the new crop of physicians in the Philippines was such a relief, Antonio said. Hewasnow “license[d] to heal,” he wrote on his social media account.
When the board exam results were released last month, he was having beer with friends. “To see my name in the list [of passers] was more than exhilarating,” he said.
Better version of himself
Antonio’s therapist texted him early the next morning: “Every time we hurdle one challenge after another, we continue to grow in character.”
“This affected me deeply,” he said. “As a person who tends to overmagnify personal failures, I have realized that ultimately, these failures all build a better version of myself, that I am all the setbacks and bouncing-backs in my 28 years of existence. My commitment to a better version of myself—that is, my growth in character—is my personal service to the world.”
Antonio was diagnosed with depression in 2013 and bipolar and generalized anxiety disorder just last October.
His first episodes occurred in his senior year in college, as he juggled graduation requirements and extracurricular activities, including his role as president of a student organization.
“Along with other personal issues, my depressive symptoms manifested and became disruptive [of] my daily functioning. That was when I decided to consult a doctor,” Antonio said.
The presence of family and friends during the review for the board exam made Antonio’s condition bearable.
Weekdays his friends bunked in at his condo and they studied together. Weekends he was home, his mother bringing each meal to his room and his sister baking cookies for him.
Love, appreciation
“Even my dog helped out in his own dog ways,” Antonio said. “All of these were very much instrumental to my recovery. They showed me the love and support that I could not see or give for my own. When I had my depressive bouts, they were there ... to cheer me up.”
He said love and appreciation, including his love of music, were the antidote to depression.
“For the longest time, my coping has always been music. Once in a while, I would play my guitar, piano, or violin, and [I’d] have jamming sessions or even make music videos online with my friends,” Antonio said, adding that he has been playing instruments onstage since he was 11, doing theater since he was 14, and dancing when he entered med school.
For other “tried and tested coping strategies,” he listed “movies and TV series, chocolates and other good food, playing with my dog, exercise and mostly spending time with loved ones.”
Said Antonio: “The tragedy of depression is that how you see yourself is completely disjunct [from] how others see you. You might view yourself as terrible, insignificant and unworthy of love, but in reality, it is totally the opposite. And who better to disagree with your depressive views than the people you most care for?
“So when push comes to shove, and so long as you ask for help, your families and dearest friends can really surprise you. When you see all the love and care [given] to you regardless of what you are, the self-depreciation lessens a bit. The anxiety lessens a bit. Healing, no matter how incremental or exhausting, begins.”
Personal experience
Antonio, who fights his disorders with medication and monthly psychotherapy, said he would use his personal experience to be an effective healer.
“Wounded healers heal more profoundly simply [because] they know what it is like to be wounded,” he said. “Because they know what it feels like to be in the dark, they try to build a better world where no one else will have to feel it—and that makes for a brighter, kinder future.”
Antonio said that while the
COVID-19 pandemic and natural and man-made disasters had worsened the lives of many people, “I believe [being wounded] can be a gift: It allows space for God and others to work into our lives.”
Help in this time of suffering is prayer in action, he said.
“Admittedly, this can be quite tricky,” Antonio said, citing his own “contradiction” of wanting to be left alone and yet wanting to be reached out to.
Those wishing to help “can never go wrong with ‘ How are you doing? You can talk to me. I’m here for you,’” he said. “Just act as you would as a good-natured person. If they refuse help, it is OK; give them the space. Just sit with them in the dark and hold their hand until the walls come down.”
Seeking treatment
Antonio encouraged those with anxiety disorder not to be afraid to seek professional help.
“When I sought help and got treated, I was surprised that my functioning improved dramatically after just a few weeks of treatment. My mood stabilized. My anxiety lessened. From one of the poorest performers in our review school of thousands, my grades significantly went up. I enjoyed learning more. I was becoming more confident. Above all else, I was more appreciating of myself,” he said.
According to Antonio, people with depression should realize that it is a disease that can be treated.
He described it as “a medical condition brought by circumstance and our brains becoming haywire.”
Studying for the board exam while in depression was hard, Antonio said, but he prayed and “bargained” with the Divine: “If God willed that I pass, I promised to dedicate my life in service to the marginalized sectors and far-flung areas. That prayer did not change after passing.”
He added: “Now that I am a licensed physician, this definition of ‘healing’ becomes more profound. Healing begins with gentle listening. It involves a compassionate touch. It entails calling out the demons by name. It promises companionship as wounds are treated with care and support. Jesus Himself showed us what healing truly means—to love another person just as God first loved us.”
Before passing the recent licensure exams for physicians last month, Alberto Antonio Jr. was diagnosed with depression in 2013 and bipolar and generalized anxiety disorder in October this year
What he wants to be
Antonio is seeking admission to the Department of Health’s Doctors to the Barrios Program.
Hebelieves in the importance of improving primary health care—a result of his yearlong stint in Eastern Samar where he saw for himself the poor state of public health.
Antonio observed that people in mountainous areas had to trek for hours and those on islands had to take a boat ride to reach the nearest hospital.
The Philippines needs over 60,000 doctors, especially in the provinces, he said. “This is the kind of doctor I want to be: to treat communities, to prevent them from even getting [sick] in the first place, and to make sure that even those in the marginalized areas get to see a doctor,” Antonio said.