LIVE TO TELL
Dear Cindy,
My last relationship was three years ago, and it ended with me getting really hurt. But I’ve kept the faith in love, so I go out on dates in the hope of finding Mr. Right and now I think I found him.
But the problem is—he is my friend and I just can’t tell him about my feelings. He too had a bad break-up with his ex-girlfriend last year and he told me how badly he was hurt by that. Though he refuses to admit it, I know deep inside that he still loves her in spite of trying to move on.
My friends urge me to tell him about my feelings, but I don’t have that much courage. For one thing, I’m afraid I might not like his reaction. Lately, I’ve been keeping my distance from him.
He questioned me about the sudden change, but I gave the excuse that I am too busy. The truth is I’m hurting deep inside, but I don’t want to get hurt anymore by expecting too much. I’ve told myself I shouldn’t focus on one person whose feeling for me I’m unsure of.
Am I being unfair to him? What should I do?
Sandra
Dear Sandra,
I wish the courage that you’ve shown in writing will also be reflected in action. Don’t waste your life on anxieties. If your feelings for him are as intense as you claim, then not acting on them will only leave you more restless. Can you actually see yourself continuing with the status quo for an indefinite period? If not, then some action is required on your part.
The action that you have undertaken so far, that is distancing yourself from him, may seem to him like you’re practically punishing him for something that is not his fault. He seems to regard your friendship warmly and withholding it from him without explanation is unreasonable and downright wrong.
It is also unfair for you because you are not only depriving yourself of something you deem valuable—his friendship. You are denying yourself a chance at happiness by taking the cowardly way out.
So you feel that you might not like his reaction if you tell him how you feel. What if he ends up with someone else because you didn’t tell him how you feel? Can you bear the though of that. Had you just said something, then you would be with him now.
Sandra, you have to weight the consequences of action versus inaction. Whatever you can’t live without most is what you ought to do. If you guessed that I would respond as your friends have to your situation, you are right. For my advice, let me quote what someone once said, “On your deathbed, you regret not what you did, but what you didn’t do.” God bless, Cindy