Betrayal of trust
Michelle: Betrayal comes from unexpected places. This is because you can only be betrayed by somebody you trust. And those you trust are usually those who have become close to you or you have allowed to come close to you. But no matter where or who betrayed you, it is painful and difficult to accept. Deception hurts in many ways. There’s the emotional stress from being betrayed, the loss of self-confidence and the increased suspicion, or even paranoia. Not to mention, the financial cost. So how does one deal with betrayal?
DJ: Apart from being initially shell-shocked by what has happened, you will have to come to terms with how you really feel and find a way to mitigate the damage done. I think it is safe to say that we have, at one time or another, been in a situation where we experienced betrayal. It does not have to be from a romantic partner or a significant other. Even at work, there is betrayal as when people stab each other in the back and conspire against each other. In many instances, the damage had been done and things would never be the same again. Sometimes, you just have to walk away. But not without going through some strong negative emotions. It is hard, but accepting these emotions and going through the pain is part of the healing process. At this stage, it is helpful to talk through your feelings with a trusted friend, a professional counselor, or even the perpetrator if the situation calls for it.
M: Talk is good but actions speak louder, and sometimes better than words. One clear action is not to take immediate action. When feelings of being betrayed are intense and we are confused, hurt and angry at the same time, it is not wise to retaliate. At least, not just yet. Time and space are important to assess the situation. Although it is normal to want to retaliate and seek revenge for the hurt you have suffered, this will not be to anyone’s benefit. And it is important that we learn not to dwell on being betrayed but deal with it. We cannot change the past, but we can take responsibility for how we deal with the situation now. For one friend, she dealt with the matter of betrayal by cutting ties with the person who betrayed her. Out of sight. Out of mind.
DJ: Betrayal teaches us a lot of things and we must learn from it so that it will not happen again. A bad experience teaches us not only about other people but also about ourselves. Did you allow others to constantly cross boundaries? Did you allow someone to constantly borrow money from you? Did you allow that person to take advantage of you by allowing him to not pay you back? Money we can earn but broken trust is more difficult to gain back. We must also learn to free ourselves from the blame because it is not about you. It has also something to do with the other person that you are dealing with and who betrayed you. Learn, accept and move on.
M: Or move far away. But even distance sometimes cannot erase the injury done to us. Though this is easier said than done, it is important to know how to forgive. Forgiveness does not mean that you are condoning the act of betrayal. It means that you are choosing to move on from feelings of resentment. It can lead to a greater sense of peace of mind.
I read somewhere that one can forgive without rebuilding. You can forgive the person who betrayed you without rebuilding your relationship. Some betrayals of trust mean the end of a relationship. But it is not the end of the world. Don’t feel guilty about ending something that is not worth keeping.