Sorry not sorry
Dear Cindy,
I’m very, very quick to apologize. Sorry, but that’s how I am. My husband, I regret to say, isn’t the apologizing kind. He seems to think it’s a sign of weakness.
And there are some people who always say that they didn’t do anything wrong and they don’t need to apologize. As for me, well, why not?, if the issue is trivial and doesn’t represent any serious misunderstanding. Am I right in having this kind of attitude? What do you think?
Marlann
Dear Marlann,
Apologies can heal pain, restore broken bonds, and soften the desire to exact vengeance. And an apology genuinely felt and eloquently delivered can be a powerful tool, too.
An effective apology is much more than a couple of muttered syllables. It’s a process (a complicated one) and hard to get right. Apologizing is making an admission that we erred, and we don’t like having to do that. It makes us vulnerable because we’re requesting forgiveness that we think only the person can grant and we might be rejected. Once you admit you’ve done something wrong, the other gets to tell you exactly how much he’s been hurt. And then, to cap it off, you often have to change your behavior so it doesn’t happen again.
A timely apology is preferable to a delayed one, but there’s no statute of limitations; if the apology is heartfelt, it works, however late it may be offered. There are some apologies that don’t work and may even make things worse. People try to weasel out of real apologies in a boatload of creative ways. Some seem to be of the opinion that the words “I’m sorry” work much like a garden hose: one quick spritz of contrition washes away all bad feeling, responsibility and accountability. They’re wrong, but they’re not alone.
Women seem to have an easier time with the “I’m sorry” stuff than men do. Like you said, those words slip out of your mouth all the time. It’s your husband who is sorry-challenged. That is because women tend to focus on the question, “Is this conversation bringing us closer or pushing us apart?” Men, however, are inclined to focus on whether the conversation is putting them “in a one-up or a one-down position."
Sometimes going just a little further with a bouquet, a small gift, an extra token of your appreciation for the person you’ve offended can make all the difference. Think of it as adding value to your apology, or as supersizing it. God bless, Cindy