Guilty and proud

I previously mentioned that I took part in the Queen City Plus campaign (look them up on Facebook!), a local initiative for the International Women’s Day celebration. They recently posted my story and thought I’d share it here as well.

I’m half-German (and yes, I get jokes that will add “half-shepherd” to that–and that’s an old joke, really). When people find out about my mixed race, I get mixed reactions: “Oh, gwapa kaayo ka kay ‘half’ man ka,” (what?) and “Oh, you’re pretty kay German man ka buuuuuut you’d look better if you’d lose some weight.” (Uhm?)

I’d get a lot of “feedback” about how I looked. To some, I wasn’t the stereotypical fair-skinned foreigner and to others I didn’t look like most of the Fil-American/Europeans you’d see in the magazines. I wasn’t tall enough, white enough, skinny enough, blonde enough and blue-eyed enough.

To many I was too short, too fat, either too dark or too white, or too red, too loud, too flawed, and just not pretty enough.

I remember getting really, really uncomfortable when people commented about my size back in the day. When I was a fresh grad and work had me on field, I remember getting really crude comments from bystanders and lewd calls from strangers.

I eventually caved and hit the gym. I grew more uncomfortable by the comments I’d get and just wanted to fit in their criteria of what looked pretty and I wouldn’t have to lie on being big-boned. My first try with the gym didn’t last long. I wasn’t getting the results I wanted and I eventually lost interest.

Later on, I stumbled into the world of training and mentoring youth groups. I became an “ate” to amazing kids and journeyed with them as they grew, discovered more about themselves and learned to love themselves and others more. As I journeyed with them, I realized I discovered more about myself, too. I learned to love myself more. Loving others begins by loving yourself.

Our “flaws” do not define us and they should not become insecurities to draw us back and hinder us from doing the things we want to do and achieve in life. I learned that flaws are not necessarily flaws. They are sources of strength, so we may become better, stronger, bolder and more beautiful.

In recent years I’ve gone back to the gym, taken up yoga, ate healthy and began living a more mindful life. I do this not for others because I’m worried that I may not look like your stereo-typical Fil-German. I’m doing this for me because I care for my body and I embrace my strengths and my flaws.

I am #Guiltyandproud of my flaws. They are a part of me and they tell a beautiful story. I love my flaws.