The mourning after

M: Happy New Year! But for Melissa, it’s not too happy a new year because of what happened last Christmas. She lost her virginity in one Christmas party and she is upset because he’s not even her boyfriend. Assuming that she was not taken advantage of because she was either too drunk to resist or a bit tipsy that she threw caution to the wind, she probably knew what she was doing and could have stopped it if she wanted to. But what’s done is done. The year 2018 just started. Either she can remain in regret or learn from what happened. DJ: Rihanna was once asked by renowned magician David Copperfield in an interview last October where she would choose to go if she should disappear and reappear anywhere in the world. Her answer? Ten minutes before she lost her virginity. Her response was a surprise, hinting that she had regrets over losing her virginity. It’s understandable for Melissa to feel bad about what happened. Wrong place, wrong time and wrong boy. Her first time was a big deal for her and she hoped for it to be at a better circumstance. M: We all make mistakes and regrets are always at the end. The good thing is that we can decide to make a new beginning. Tabula rasa. Clean slate. You can wipe off your past by forgiving yourself and moving forward. There is no sense in beating yourself up for a lapse in good judgement or a bad decision. DJ: Unfortunately, she can’t take her V card back. At the risk of sounding like an inspirational Hallmark card, I hope she’ll be able to eventually shake off what could have been and focus on what can be. All, if not most of us, have done something that caused us to lose things that are important to us. It is okay for her to mourn for something that mattered to her. She can give herself a time period for mourning. It is up to her. Then decide to move on after that. Prolonged grief over something that’s done can interfere with the other areas of her life—relationships, health etc. She can start by identifying the trigger points. She can prevent having sex with the wrong person from recurring when she’s able to manage or avoid the points that led to it. She can consider looking for someone she trusts and whose opinion she respects. I hope she will forgive herself. No one gets it right all the time. Melissa can turn around and see the right things she’s done. What makes her funny, loving, reliable, a good friend and other multitudes of desirable things about her? M: Melissa, a new year is a new chapter in your life. Last Christmas was last Christmas. You gave away something you valued to someone who you now think did not have value in your life. He was not your boyfriend and I hope you do not have a boyfriend with whom you ex- pected to give your virginity as this creates another set of concerns for you. Nevertheless, this year, it will be good to take the time to really discern your path and purpose so you do not lose your way or your direction. Love and light going your way. DJ: How she views what happened last Christmas, ultimately, comes down to her perspective. And the thing is, she has the power to change that. Life is now and she has a choice— wallow in regret over what could have been or use her energy to create what can be. These clichés are worth paying attention to. I hope she will allow herself to accept her imperfections, including lapses in her judgment, and trust that she’s a stronger and wiser person going forward. She’s already learned the lesson. Yes, the first time is important. But that doesn’t mean the second time can’t be just as important.