TO AGREE OR DISAGREE WITH AYN RAND

Seen. The word glared at me sharply as I looked at the screen of my android phone without interest. I just sent a message to a friend via messenger.

I locked the screen and put the phone in my pants’ pocket, thinking how the same four-letter word had ridiculously become the basis of my worth some months ago.

How many of the people out there are experiencing the excruciating thoughts of being unwanted and rejected by simply contemplating about the implications of the word? I asked myself that question in silence as if an invisible cigarrete was locked in between my lips. No, I don’t smoke but funny how I pictured myself looking like a person lost in her thoughts while enjoying the puff of smoke. It must be the solemnity that the smokers have on their faces that made me thought of myself in that situation.

An hour or two after, my phone pinged. My friend apologized for the delayed reply and that he hoped I won’t take it as an act of snubbing. I laughed. Hard. Not because I was amused but because I know that if

I was talking with him face to face at that moment, I was very certain that my right hand would land hard on his face as I slap him. The urge to be physical was not inspired by any resentment or ill feelings but because of something I could not even name which made it insanely funny.

I am probably reading too much Ayn Rand, I told myself so as to dismiss the thought. But it continued to linger on my mind so I indulged myself the benefit of thinking, hoping that somehow I could give the thought some kind of form for clarity.

Why? I searched for that stirring feeling within me as if rummaging through some piled up emotions and, after series of attempts, I finally got a hold of it.

“I don’t like people who speak or think in terms of gaining anybody’s confidence. If one’s actions are honest, one does not need the predated confidence of others, only their rational perception. The person who craves a moral blank check of that kind, has dishonest intentions, whether he admits it to himself or not,” echoes the words of Francisco d’Anconia from Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. I did not even know why the quote suddenly registered in my mind.

Rational perception. Right. That’s the most important thing, I told myself, contemplating about the famous Ayn Rand quote.

Ayn Rand has been criticized for the selfishness of her philosophy of objectivism but as she claimed, there is, I think a virtue to it. What highest virtue there is available than to do something yet not expect anything from anyone else? Remove the question mark and from that premise, you will understand the source of my irritation.

I knew by then than it was anger over the idea that my friend apologized for not being able to reply soon enough. I certainly don’t need that crap.

I just don’t want people to teach me to expect something from them. I don’t own their time and attention, hence, their apologies are unwarranted. I give them my time because I’ve chosen to and not because I expect them to give something in return. To put it simply, I do things for others not to please them but because it makes me happy. That’s the core of Ayn Rand’s philosophy. Selfish. Yes.

Yet, if through this one can be hated, then I would much prefer that than to inspire hate to others by unconsciously suggesting acts that would make them expect something from me as if they are bound by some unspoken contract of reciprocating what is bestowed to them. Being unable to fulfill such ‘inspired’ expectations could often lead to resentments.

Although I don’t subscribe to all of Ayn Rand’s premises, but at least, I know I can work on this one.

I will look back with pride knowing that one day I had entertained the idea of selfishness and I would not ever deny the sincerity of such thought by disowning what I strongly believe at the moment. Doing so is like betraying my younger self. I am open to the idea that what I believe today might not be what I would believe in the future. I guess it is safe to say that I am loyal to change.

And in the future, who knows whether I would agree, or not agree, with Ayn Rand? Remove the question mark and from that premise, you will understand how I see the world.