I'm irrationally scared of Apple's Face ID

Since Apple first gave me the option to use my physical human body as a key, I've felt uncomfortable about it. When I got my beloved iPhone 6s, I declined to enable Touch ID, though I didn't exactly know why. Then Face ID came along on the iPhone X, and I looked on skeptically as my clearly foolhardy friends followed the examples of Apple's smiling models.

My uninformed but generally mistrustful feelings about biometric security only intensified on Wednesday as Apple went all in with Face ID, touting one's face as the preferred and secure way to lock away your darkest digital secrets. With Face ID now available on all three new models of the iPhone, it's about to be a Face ID-secured world, people. And we're just livin' in it.

Judging by the Apple product unveiling event, Apple and its adherents are stoked about Face ID. It is the future! It is so easy! So very secure! You don't have to remember anything!

Still, there are plenty of criticisms about this new technology. No one asked for this future! It is glitchy as hell! Your password is way, way too public! Face ID normalizes surveillance via widespread facial recognition, which is a tool of oppression, y'all!

However, as I sized up the arguments for and against, I've begrudgingly come to the conclusion that my fear of Face ID is just the teensiest bit irrational.

...But no way in hell does that mean I'm going to use it.

If you're a normal person, Face ID is basically safe.

It was a hard thing to admit, but at least some percentage of my fear of Face ID has been formed by Face/ Off. You know, the Nicolas Cage and John Travolta thriller in which enemy cop Travolta vs. criminal Cage swap, erm, faces. Great film, really couldn't recommend it enough.

But anyway, not that I thought someone was going to full on Face/ Off me, but even making a 3D image of my face seemed inherently unwise. How did I know that Cage wasn't going to come looking to steal my life and family vis-a-vis my face?

Digging into Face ID I realized that even if a maniacal criminal with a plastic surgery unit at his disposal was intent on stealing my identity — or, say, a financial criminal, or a security firm or government agency looking to create a database of faces — they wouldn't be able to do it using Face ID.Apple doesn't actually have any record of your face; using Face ID does not mean that you're "giving Apple your face" like I thought it did. Instead, it only stores a mathematical representation of your face locally, on your personal device. Your face doesn't go into any database, it doesn't leave your hardware, and it's only a mathematical representation, not even an actual 3D image.

I was forced to conclude that using Face ID did not mean I was handing a key to my phone (and LIFE) to Apple, or any governments, corporations, or criminals unhappy with their own vi sages.

Still, with Face ID, my face IS my passcode. There is absolutely nothing secret about it! Maybe nefarious entities didn't need an image from Apple to penetrate my digital secrets. They could always make their own 3D scan of my face, and make a Charlie's Angels-esque silicone mask. Nice try, Apple! But the truth is that... I am a middle class journalist who likes yoga, dogs, and a good pair of Swedish clogs. No one is going to the effort to steal my phone and make a flawless mask in order to access the SEVERAL thousands of dollars in my bank account. If you're an international spy or President Obama, though, Face ID is probably unwise. (Security firms agree with this assessm en t ) .

But what about law enforcement, I thought! I had heard that police did not need warrants to open phones that could unlock with biometrics. But did need warrants to unlock phones with passcodes.