Stop blaming your parents
In the book, “Chicken Soup for the Recovering Soul," Ted Klontz confided, “I was thirty- eight years old before I understood that no matter what I did or said, my mother and father could not parent any better than they did. It was beyond their ability and more important, was nothing personal. One of the most precious gifts of my recovery was accepting that my mom and dad just didn’t possess boundless love, endless nurturing, playfulness, tenderness or fun to give. I was lucky enough and had the courage to find a way to let go of my idealized vision of what my parent’s love should look like. Before they passed away, the expressions of love that had started out as unilateral behaviors on my part became mutual.”
I remember one evening my friend and her children had a caucus after dinner. In that meeting the children poured out their sentiments and complaint towards their mother, ( My friend is a widow.) With tears in her eyes my friend told her children honestly and frankly that her parenting is the only way that she knew. She said, “I’m sorry if ever I have hurt you.”
Parenting is not easy. No parents have ever gone to school to study parenting. Usually parents learned parenting from their parents too. Hence, one writer said, “Stop blaming your parents. They did their best to become good parents.”
Razwana Wahid of the "tiny Buddha website" believes that we should stop blaming our parents for messing up our lives. She said, “Compassion taught me the following insights to forgive them:
Recognize that parents are human, too. As children of our parents, we often forget they had a life before us. They had experiences and challenges; they made mistakes and felt joy and regret. They had an entire life before we came into the picture. Start seeing your parents as human beings. Recognize that they struggle in the same way you struggle. They feel fear and loss, vulnerability and joy
Question them to understand them. By asking questions, and seeing events from their perspective, your mind begins to open. If your parents abused you, ask. What they experienced in their childhood and life before you that may have influenced this behavior? What was their relationship with their parents?
Forgive them. Questioning leads to compassion, and compassion has a tendency to lead to forgiveness. And forgiveness means you can start to heal. Forgive them because it’s a remedy to your pain. Forgive them because they too can make mistakes. Forgive them because they’re human.
Your parents are people. They did what they could with what they knew. One day, you may be a parent too, and you will see how hard it is to raise a person. Even, if you are not a parent, at some point in your life you will realize that your parents were humans susceptible to making mistakes, just like you. Your parents love you more than they even realize. Give back to them by returning that love and enriching their lives
As what an unknown writer said, “Our background and circumstances may influence who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.”