The Sibling BOND
It is a curious person who does not want to live in peace. In fact, peaceful coexistence is perhaps one of the biggest aspirations of the human race, next only to survival. There are global organizations, including governments, working so hard in order
Parents are alarmed over the increasing numbers of wars, the heightening rate of violence, going on these days. They are most worried of the future for their young children. And they are worried, too, of how the news of crime and aggression is reaching the kids right in their living rooms.
But, as with many things in life, a culture of peace begins at home. At the home level, parents and children can do much for peace. The parents may teach, and the whole family may do it. There can be peace among siblings, especially, who often find themselves embroiled in fights.
Siblings normally fight over just anything – which TV show to watch, whose turn it is to play video games, who’s doing the dishes, who’s being noisy etc. One sibling is often angry at the other one’s teasing.
Kids want positive interactions with their siblings, for sure. But cooperation, empathy, kindness, fair play, and selfcontrol don’t always come naturally to children. Buttons get pushed, defenses go up, and friction ensues.
Parents shall take a lead role in teaching kids positive values. Anything from small responsibilities, like making a bed and tending the backyard garden, to big ones, like choosing a career or good citizenship, can be taught at home by parents – either by actually demonstrating to the kids or by setting the example themselves. Positive values manifest in positive behavior, and positive behavior can help bring about peace at home.
Charlotte Reznick Ph.D. shares useful tips, at www. psychologytoday.com, for parents to squelch sibling squabbles and develop more loving connections among the kids at home:
Don’t underestimate stress.
When pressure is high, patience for little annoying behaviors falls. Teach your children to check and rate their stress levels from 0 to 10. Then, let them do slow deep breathing to calm down and re-center, lower reactivity, and raise tolerance.
Find out what’s under the big bad feelings.
Start by accepting and validating whatever your child is feeling about his sibling. Then gently guide him to the core issue. Listen to whatever he offers for angry or hateful feelings, then advise, “Close your eyes, and be surprised at what’s under your anger (jealousy, betrayal…).” When your child faces the emotions under his distress, you can help him make a plan to release them and make peace with his sister or brother.
Use Animal and Wizard wisdom in a pinch.
Suggest calling in a wise imaginary Animal friend or Wizard for advice on any sibling disputes. A Blue Bird may imaginarily fly in and recommended that instead of pinching a brother or pulling his hair, one may just pinch and pull her pillow. And Mr. Magic may offer the gift of a “magic eraser” to erase her bad thoughts about her brother.
Have feelings talk to each other.
Your child probably has a range of emotions about his siblings, some of which are as distinct as love/hate or happy/mad. Having his feelings “speak” to each other can result in a creative compromise. Once they get the hang of it, kids can practice together or role play, as the Anger of one negotiates with the Sadness of the other, helping them understand each other even more.
Give the marble jar a chance.
This usually works like a charm. To encourage your kids getting along, let them know you appreciate and want to acknowledge their efforts at being kind to each other. Then take a jar, and every time you “catch” them being “neutral or nice,” drop a marble (or pasta piece or colored glass bead) in the jar. In the beginning, lots of reinforcement is important to encourage positive behavior. When the jar is filled up, offer some terrific fun time. And along the way, reward them with something simple but enticing – picking the videos to enjoy, special icecream, whatever you decide together.
Parents shall always bear in mind that their kids are unique, not equal. They are different – likely different ages and certainly different personalities and needs. Parents shall find the time to talk to their children about their feelings towards one another.
At the same time, parents shall try to avoid favoritism and comparison among their kids. Instead they shall celebrate each child’s uniqueness, and encourage cooperation, not competition.