Wanted: Perfect spouse
The perfectionist agonizes over any slightest defects, and that means just about everything. The other party also goes crazy over all the ranting and complaints of the perfectionist spouse.
Who does not wish to end up with the person who fits exactly one’s ideals? That’s perfectly what “living happily ever after” is. Very rarely, however, do the ideals in one’s head match exactly the realities of one’s life.
Most often it’s the person who’s just good enough that one picks for his or her life mate. The better one is just not there. Everyone knows that the word “perfect” should not even be in the human vocabulary, because that quality does not exist in the real world. Everyone knows that whatever loopholes there may be in the couple’s individual personalities will be duly compensated by their love for each other.
The thing is, as the couple lives together the parties tend to be drawn to the minute details about each other. Their view of the big picture of the relationship is eventually lost. The beautiful things about each partner are pushed to the sides – and whatever about them gets to each other’s nerves becomes the focus.
Perfectionism can be very stressful for the spouses – both for the perfectionist or his or her partner. The perfectionist agonizes over any slightest defects, and that means just about everything. The other party also goes crazy over all the ranting and complaints of the perfectionist spouse.
The complaints and arguments never end. One thinks the bathroom is eternally messy and the other one argues that the only way to stop the mess is to stop using the bathroom. And the only way to prevent leaving water marks on the coffee table is… yes, to stop drinking coffee.
Well, if only the spouses are more mindful, much of the house mess would not even be there. But the home being such familiar territory, one is often tempted to let his or her ‘guards’ down. That makes the home the ‘comfort zone’ that it is.
Marni Feuerman and Sharon Martin, at the website www.thespruce.com, write that “perfectionism makes it hard to share who you really are – especially your vulnerabilities and inadequacies. And when you are unable to share your whole self, it makes it difficult to connect deeply with your spouse.” They suggest strategies to resist the tendency to be a perfectionist:
• Look for what your partner does right. It’s so easy to spot mistakes and problems. It’s not so easy to recognize all the things your spouse does right. Set an intention to specifically identify at least three pleasing things your partner does daily and communicate these to him or her. This helps train your mind to see the positives and it builds good feelings between the two of you.
• Don’t sweat the small stuff. Step back and put things in perspective. Consider your values and what really matters to you. Put your time and effort into the things that are most important to you. He or she
loads the dishwasher the “wrong” way?…
• Your way isn’t the only right way
to do things. Allow your spouse to do things his or her way sometimes, even if you think it is wrong. It feels disrespectful and condescending to insist that your way is the only right way. Unless it’s a safety issue, you are probably sweating the small stuff.
• Accept that the division
of labor isn’t fair. If you need a super clean bathroom and your partner does not, don’t expect that he or she will clean it to your standards. You must decide what is worth the battle and what isn’t. Furthermore, at times you must accept that it’s your particular need and not your spouse’s.
• Practice self-compassion and self-care.
Emotionally healthy people treat themselves with grace and kindness. Take good care of your body and mind. Check your angry, unkind thoughts out and begin to replace them with compassionate, forgiving messages. Negativity isn’t motivating. It tends to make you feel worse, which it turn leads to more negative thoughts and behaviors.
• Relax and have fun. Perfectionists often choose work over fun. Making time for relaxation, novelty and fun alone and with your partner are also important ways to build connection and strengthen your marriage.
• Over communicate. Help your husband or wife understand why certain things are so important to you. Everyone sometime fall into the trap of assuming their partners read what they are thinking and feeling. Get curious about each other. Keep talking until you really understand each other’s point of view.
• Share a little bit more of yourself. Connections are formed when spouses share their struggles, fears, and vulnerabilities. Gently push yourself to share just a little bit more with your spouse every week. Maybe even something about your family of origin that has influenced your view of yourself and your perfectionism.
To try to find a perfect spouse is an impossible dream. It’s a waste of effort or of expectation. Besides, it’s not realistic to look for in others the perfection that one can never find in oneself.
It is not a perfect world. But with reasonable compromise, it can still be a happy one. And such compromise shall start at home.